dropped all my 22' classes...
needless to say my opinion of myself is not at an all time high...
I over reacted... I thought something was due today... but it was 2 days ago.. panicked..
this does not bode well for my psyche atm...
Feeling depressed.. also the laundry thing with Bart this morning set in motion a panic I wasn't expecting... toys. laundry.. yadda yadda yadda...
I'm freaking over Russia/Ukraine... as if I have precognition and SEE WWIII on the horizon or something... not that history has taught me anything.. and mayhaps it hasn't.
I was looking at hanging out at a bar.. but I think i actually hate those places now... is my misanthropic attitude tied to my own self worth opinion?
Not hate.. but really see no point in going to one.. I did for a spell... and there is nothing of worth there... I get the isolation.. the wanting to be alone.. and it seems to be a plague for thinkers..
my mind is exploding with chemicals and a maelstrom of emotive thoughts.. i sense these waves... i'm trying to overcome them... not in a avoidance but acceptance.. and I see the whirpool of blackness open before me... it's sweet sickly familiar breath of death... that endless pit of nothing.. but I feel like I've come to a point... it's recursive.. it always seems recursive... like I've been here before... and I wonder is this a trap..
I'm not 5 or 15 or 25 or 35... My "understanding" of historical events within humanity are very Westernized and I get that I'm very very very very very limited in wisdom. For wisdom is the knowledge of what to do in a given situation. WHAT TO DO... seems a bit moral relative.. and that what I need to work out.. because I don't fucking know.. I try to think and atm my brain is so fried with so many things... dropping school.. me myself and i.. my kids.. but I feel like i'm lying to myself again somehow.. the dropping school because i panicked.. that's not necessarily "wise" or to me I perceive it as such.. I felt that I wouldn't be able to keep up with studies.. plus i think i just killed my school option with these latest withdrawals..
depression.. I feel 1000000% responsible... ashamed.. guilty.. embarrassed..
there's this sense or notion i have from time to time when I have these highly charged mental moments... fringe ideas come to the forefront so to speak... impetuous thoughts or desires to be irresponsible
this didn't help..
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuroticism
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