The Well

 My friend Terry's husband passed away recently.

I met him once, I see that I'm quite possible a type for Terry. He likes them moody bitches. I jest, as even for the past 10 years that they'd been together I was happy to know that Terry had found someone and it's difficult to put in words what I'm wanting to say as I have a flood of thoughts coming in.

But I'd just finished up our first conversation since he informed me about Helmut's passing and was think how wrecked he is. It's only from the years of working in the fields that i have worked in and knowing who/what Terry's sorta personality type is... similar to mine but he's and extrovert. I read his very informative and somber email... then listened to him talk about it all. He was someone holding it all back as he spoke... I'm just imagining the pain.. and then thought of this.

Once again I come to the well of pain to drink, it's icy cold water chills my bones. It fills my core.. my being.. this icy numbness pours through like a rush.

I come not of my own pain but for that of another... I think I do this to attempt to evoke the true emotive feelings of loss and despair and fear and the sheer fucking heart break of losing YOUR love.

Yet there's a problem... or is it.. you tell me..

While the death of a loved one should not be compared.. are all the motives equal or am I lumping in things I could have prevented but due to my negligence caused my pain and suffering vs mourning the loss of Bear... something that is beyond my control vs  what is in my control.. are the motives i have to equate my pain and suffering  - are they valid? Do I have enough of them for them to be sufficient? 

That is.. I admit my past cruelties.. and by cruelties I mean just that. The ghosts of the past have truly come to haunt me. I'm revisited by new ghasts more frequently than I'd like.

And this is where I need to be sure to remind myself of my ignorance... and yet I have this need for paying for my mistakes. Do I think that by doing so it'll lessen my guilt? I actually just thought of this and now need to dwell on it for a bit because I view that in a most dis satisfactory manner that make me doubt my continued existence.

I also need to keep things in perspective of what I knew and motives.. and much like the ignorant fuck I am now, I ABSOLUTELY was more so back then.

This is how I have to keep myself from getting lost.. lost in my own emotional despair.. the fucking tricks and traps the mind plays on you. Hence know thyself... and yet I still don't...

I truly mourn for his loss... but fuck that well..

it's the same well of emotions... it feels like a million but it's the same vessel that contains them all.. it's the journey to make them one... to find that balance in life.. that peace .. harmony with evolution..the universe.. but the more we push the limits of not only sacrificing our humanity through hand over fist at all costs paranoid readiness and mutual self destruction we've completely polluted this Earth and irrevocable set forth in motion global potentially devastating consequences for the not just the future of humanity but the future of our existence and the only planet we can exist on - along with everything on the planet we need to CO EXIST with!

There is no god.. only the humans who pretend to be by their bullshit traditions of ignorance filled with liars, murderers, and thieves. Who threaten with violence because them assume that their deity is unable to defend themselves and/or they are holy vessels unleashing god's wrath... religion is a mental disease.

but the ignorance.... how do you overcome the collective education level of maybe a 3rd grade education globally??