The Well

 My friend Terry's husband passed away recently.

I met him once, I see that I'm quite possible a type for Terry. He likes them moody bitches. I jest, as even for the past 10 years that they'd been together I was happy to know that Terry had found someone and it's difficult to put in words what I'm wanting to say as I have a flood of thoughts coming in.

But I'd just finished up our first conversation since he informed me about Helmut's passing and was think how wrecked he is. It's only from the years of working in the fields that i have worked in and knowing who/what Terry's sorta personality type is... similar to mine but he's and extrovert. I read his very informative and somber email... then listened to him talk about it all. He was someone holding it all back as he spoke... I'm just imagining the pain.. and then thought of this.

Once again I come to the well of pain to drink, it's icy cold water chills my bones. It fills my core.. my being.. this icy numbness pours through like a rush.

I come not of my own pain but for that of another... I think I do this to attempt to evoke the true emotive feelings of loss and despair and fear and the sheer fucking heart break of losing YOUR love.

Yet there's a problem... or is it.. you tell me..

While the death of a loved one should not be compared.. are all the motives equal or am I lumping in things I could have prevented but due to my negligence caused my pain and suffering vs mourning the loss of Bear... something that is beyond my control vs  what is in my control.. are the motives i have to equate my pain and suffering  - are they valid? Do I have enough of them for them to be sufficient? 

That is.. I admit my past cruelties.. and by cruelties I mean just that. The ghosts of the past have truly come to haunt me. I'm revisited by new ghasts more frequently than I'd like.

And this is where I need to be sure to remind myself of my ignorance... and yet I have this need for paying for my mistakes. Do I think that by doing so it'll lessen my guilt? I actually just thought of this and now need to dwell on it for a bit because I view that in a most dis satisfactory manner that make me doubt my continued existence.

I also need to keep things in perspective of what I knew and motives.. and much like the ignorant fuck I am now, I ABSOLUTELY was more so back then.

This is how I have to keep myself from getting lost.. lost in my own emotional despair.. the fucking tricks and traps the mind plays on you. Hence know thyself... and yet I still don't...

I truly mourn for his loss... but fuck that well..

it's the same well of emotions... it feels like a million but it's the same vessel that contains them all.. it's the journey to make them one... to find that balance in life.. that peace .. harmony with evolution..the universe.. but the more we push the limits of not only sacrificing our humanity through hand over fist at all costs paranoid readiness and mutual self destruction we've completely polluted this Earth and irrevocable set forth in motion global potentially devastating consequences for the not just the future of humanity but the future of our existence and the only planet we can exist on - along with everything on the planet we need to CO EXIST with!

There is no god.. only the humans who pretend to be by their bullshit traditions of ignorance filled with liars, murderers, and thieves. Who threaten with violence because them assume that their deity is unable to defend themselves and/or they are holy vessels unleashing god's wrath... religion is a mental disease.

but the ignorance.... how do you overcome the collective education level of maybe a 3rd grade education globally??

Thoughts... Passing of time

 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_perception

 

So here we go again... I got a bee in my butt for some reason about wondering the passing of time.. or how is that we as humans comprehend this concept internally? As a child I distinctly recall and even as a parent seeing the same exasperated expression about having to wait for a period of time and in hindsight as an adult I view the passing of seven days to be relatively short, yet as a child it was agonizing to wait that long. Why would an organic species need to be cognizant of time? 

 

This leads to keep gong down the trail of "reality is a program"... sooo many pieces of evidence towards that...

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/do-we-live-in-a-simulation-chances-are-about-50-50/

 

https://www.vox.com/future-perfect/2019/4/10/18275618/simulation-hypothesis-matrix-rizwan-virk

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Simulation_hypothesis

 

The more i read.. now now now now.. I also know that i'm just getting started on getting an education.. holy crap am I just getting started..  I'm not discounting the possibility there is some piece of evidence(s) that could say no... I'm saying what I've read about this in the typical physics/astrophysics and related fields that discuss time, biology, psychology, neuroscience. I do not have a degree and do not claim to be knowledgeable outside what i've experienced and been educated on will attempt to point in said direction. wikipedia and science journals and the like..

Just google.. are we living in a simulation you'll get a ton of links..

Self reflection should hurt

 True honesty is true honesty...

With this I'm talking about not bullshitting oneself... now while I will never in a bajillion years document my atrocities on any medium... sooner do a porn again...and that's not happening either...

But understanding the impact i have had on others.. my behavior.. who i was in private and public..  that piece of shit.. that's the one I'm confronting.. I think I was borderline on so many things...  

I  really hate myself for the things I've done to others... 

I'm not happy with the current state of things... I feel out of control in some respects... once again on a collision course of uncertainty where I'll be left worse for wear once again..

I'm feeling a bit lonely.. frustrated with everything... especially X, always unpermanent job situation, always never quite being in the right place at the right time on what I think I want.. but hot damn I'll admit I've had a blursed life...

My 9 lives are about up...

my inability to stick with something...  i never finish anything... I'm completely self absorbed.. and stand offish.. snob.. stuck up.. know it all.. i just have a bunch of wrong vibes or something....

I'm stressing... because what i think I need.. is this..

I don't know what I need... because I don't know what i need for him.. I'm guessing.. grasping at straws...

I'm in fantasy land.. I'm thinking that I can have a hobby business and that when i get bored with it there'll be something else for this grasshopper...

and i think I'm clever but I'm not really... even with a smirk behind this bit.. I'm trash.

Furthering the chaos....

 We are creatures of habit that don't like change, but we adapt to whatever environment we are put in... typically. Now the social aspect.. what do we have in store for us.

On being selfish..

 

Zero expectations

Giving of yourself

In volunteering, should one have zero expectations in getting something in return (materially/financially) or is there something else to it. That is, what are your motives for volunteering? Do you seem the action of volunteering as a means to an ends? Do you volunteer because you want to or see it as the right thing to do? Something else? Social network? Is knowing that it can change me for the better a good selfish desire?

Why should I do something?

What is in it for me?

Why should I care?

What motivates you to action?

Wanting to be better... 

I'm conflicted on this as i think on it... We as humans are a self centered species.. but i think that's primarily due to mechanisms inherent in the evolutionary 🧬system. See Richard Dawkins book The Selfish Gene, watch some Stanford Prof Robert Sapolsky videos, esp his lectures about evolutionary behavior biology.

Even so it's through my education and experiences i feel i see something of a decent enough big picture of reality that I'm know capable of attempting a reasoned explanation. Knowing what i know... We work together better... But not if there isn't one accord in that goal.

Evolution is chaos... And knowing what i know about Chaos Theory.. I have an observation of mine... That they are intertwined... Chaos is reality.. why we always will never have a Utopia.. i do think we are far closer to being in the Dystopian spectrum of the swing.. it's more than evident how fascist totalitarian capitalist entities have put a stranglehold on freedom around the world. Especially so called Democracies that dominate through militaristic means of keeping the world economy going in what is modern day slavery.. As long as humanity is not self enlightened - educated about the world around them, the science and history of the world - we'll continue down this path of "society of the week", empire of the epoch...  nothing lasts forver and to not see the change that always present..

Consumerism of the planet is pushing it into extinction for the masses of poor as global temps are ever increasing. We are kept ignorant on purpose, though a good part of it is we are a fucked up species mentally. The sheer number of psychological mental issues that are known and affect pretty much every one to some degree, coupled with physiological conditions, and.. well there's more there's so many more data points to connect to. But the the big 1 is Capitalism is killing us...as consumerism is the driving force. To save the planet.. we need to have a come to Jesus moment, colloquially speaking, with the whole planet. But you can't reason with crazy.

Actual scientific, epistemologically based reality. No punches pulled history of this planet and everything.

The world.. humanity needs a punctuated equilibrium moment in education and self awareness that statically speaking I don't ever see happening.

Humans forgot they are animals and think they are gods... Just look around. Save Earth!!

Thoughts - Are interests genetically linked?

 so I really don't know if I'll ever be able to get in a disciplined position to document things as adequately as I should...or I should say to a certain level or standard.

So a recurring idea i have is this...

I strongly feel... have an inkling.. this question...

I know that I'm always looking for answers and that I'm a very slow to adapt myself to a much needed course correction... that is it's taking me a long time to get to this point in my life that i feel.. i know enough now that I'm beginning to accept my humanity... I also know who I am to a greater degree than 10 years ago and I'm really wanting to expand on that even more.

So this idea i have is in relation to ones interests.

How does something become an interest. That is, what is it internally/mentally/biologically/etc that we go "this interest". 

Now this is a observation I've made... if my armchair Wikipedia understanding of epigenetics is correct in this one aspect that traumatic events can encode themsleves upon the individuals DNA and be passed down generationally. Conversely isn't this how instinctual information would be passed down?  I honestly don't know just curious..

Flight or fight.. I get the behavioral aspects to an extent, along with physiology and the typical biological growth dev of a X-type species of animal we all share air on this rock with. So I'm wondering how much does that play a part in it? Along with environmental factors... socioeconomic.... geographical... right time.. and place... those events that get passed down from one generation to another... foods that just seem to provide a primal dopamine warmth or pick and choose an event that is shared... why do we have the satisfied feeling we get when we empty a very full bladder.... like how was that evolutionary process for us to end up with that?

Having a broad shared level of experiences I think just broadens the elation with those in a shared moment that feels human, a higher level of empathy. I have or at least I believe I have enough documented evidence that I have always have this love for corn... aside from this weird period as a kid I avoided corn tortillas for the most part.. mainly flour was my go to. Then I had real homemade fresh corn tortillas... magical... real food.. homemade comfort food.. what is that primal feeling.. rice and beans.. it's just something beyond...

having real food.. just seems to activate this deeper level of satisfaction.. at least for me..

So I wonder do others have that sense about other things that they seems to be inextricable drawn to on their own..

Post NC

 Fuck I'm tired.. so fucking tired.

Probably one of the... THE... most stressful weeks in a long time...

and after some sleep and a real coffee... I feel better.. maybe it was the post coffee poop... but I'm still stressed but i feel good... which is fucking weird... 

Sorta weird happy... excited... so.. I have my side eye going on as well...

any who.. I'm overwhelmed but feeling good... if that makes sense,,,

looking forward to some indian later... and ??? still tired.. need a bit more sleep and get this haze of stress outta my head... hiking maybe??

Pre Code Film

 Love love love pre code movies...

Also helps with all the Looney Tunes references...

That's All Folks!!

A Flock Of Seagulls - Wishing (If I Had a Photograph of You) [Official V...

why are we fucking made like this.. why is life such a grab bag of who knows what the fuck will happen..

I look for answers but keep coming up to dead ends.. I find no solutions.. because whatever I find seems to be some sort of polarized existence...

good character.. the things Socrates liked to talk about... I'm stuck in a fucking groove of skipping and repeating..

at this moment I want to cut off my cast arm.. because I'm done with this cast..

ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

doesn't even begin to describe my DQ moment...

The fact I know it doesn't help... I miss shit.. I miss everything I walked away from.. this is why I'm fucking having a moment... is it purely emotional reasons... is there any rationality to it?

Walking familiar roads just brings to mind the past... the past of either good or bad.. only highlighting the differences..  what's diff?

I honestly don't feel better atm... and it seems like there is nothing I can do to override my programming..

personality.. behavior.. i'm an ignorant fuck... and I feel like the more knowledge i acquire isn't helping...

I'm trash.. and my mind is not at ease.. i'm not balanced atm... I see how I overreact to everything..  I don't see the positive in shit anymore.. if i ever..

knowing about oneself is not liberating... not everything can be fixed..

being here in this state to see my son has seriously opened a can of worms that I... don't know.. I would like to sleep... permanently..

 

Wow... just like that .. again...

 dropped all my 22' classes...

needless to say my opinion of myself is not at an all time high...

I over reacted... I thought something was due today... but it was 2 days ago.. panicked..

this does not bode well for my psyche atm...

Feeling depressed.. also the laundry thing with Bart this morning set in motion a panic I wasn't expecting... toys. laundry.. yadda yadda yadda...

I'm freaking over Russia/Ukraine... as if I have precognition and SEE WWIII on the horizon or something... not that history has taught me anything.. and mayhaps it hasn't.

I was looking at hanging out at a bar.. but I think i actually hate those places now... is my misanthropic attitude tied to my own self worth opinion? 

Not hate.. but really see no point in going to one.. I did for a spell... and there is nothing of worth there... I get the isolation.. the wanting to be alone.. and it seems to be a plague for thinkers..

my mind is exploding with chemicals and a maelstrom of emotive thoughts.. i sense these waves... i'm trying to overcome them... not in a avoidance but acceptance.. and I see the whirpool of blackness open before me... it's sweet sickly familiar breath of death... that endless pit of nothing.. but I feel like I've come to a point... it's recursive.. it always seems recursive... like I've been here before... and I wonder is this a trap..

I'm not 5 or 15 or 25 or 35... My "understanding" of historical events within humanity are very Westernized and I get that I'm very very very very very limited in wisdom. For wisdom is the knowledge of what to do in a given situation. WHAT TO DO... seems a bit moral relative.. and that what I need to work out.. because I don't fucking know.. I try to think and atm my brain is so fried with so many things... dropping school.. me myself and i.. my kids.. but I feel like i'm lying to myself again somehow.. the dropping school because i panicked.. that's not necessarily "wise" or to me I perceive it as such.. I felt that I wouldn't be able to keep up with studies.. plus i think i just killed my school option with these latest withdrawals..

depression.. I feel 1000000% responsible... ashamed.. guilty.. embarrassed..

there's this sense or notion i have from time to time when I have these highly charged mental moments... fringe ideas come to the forefront so to speak... impetuous thoughts or desires to be irresponsible 

this didn't help..

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuroticism

feeling atm

 Btw in the back of my head as in learning about the history of the US and NA.. I'm fully aware of the conflict in Europe atm.. the echoes of the 80s.. 50s.. nuclear war..

Only this time for me i am aware compared to the 80s.. 

There's a bit of fear.. anger.. 

The Apology

 So homework this week for intro to Phil is reading Euthyphro an The Apology.

Now a year or so ago I had already read these, I think in NC so i was vaguely already familiar with the content. As of late I've really been trying to get better at studying and school, which even for my stoner ass is a bit of an achievement. I read, listen to any audio versions i can find, and make flashcards. I've never done this before of any serious note. My previous academic pursuits were always no measure, i can't say half because none was made. 

Yesterday I was listening to the librivox recording and had to stop halfway through my walk and thereafter on many occasions. I found clarity on more than one point during Socrates "apology".

So now I also find myself critiquing it in light of today's information. 

Im having a one with all moment... That's is I'm reflecting on this moment.

It's day.. cool.. there's a storm on the wind. The birds.. my breathing.. my body doing it's involuntary actions..

Other beings that i occupy space with are having similar functions.. the earth and it's sounds.. spinning in its axis.. in this moment in space.. the sounds the galaxy makes as we glide through existence.. in this... Universe.

I know nothing.

A unexamined life is not worth living...

For Socrates the later I'm guessing he ment with oneself.. the inner person or as he called the soul. Through philosophy you can attain this... Though now that I'm here.. i do have more questions..

So what is "good character" that he speaks of and it seems to be a running theme to some variation or another in the other books.. justice.. old age.. wealth.. how one conducts themselves... Some of the answers always seem to point towards - good character blesses all - or something similar in that regard. What are modern day critiques for Socrates and are they valid?

And a hawk cries in the distance.