Fuck these people are annoying as fuck... Loudly exclaiming every fucking action as if anyone gives a shit about it.
Grumpy as fuck today.. I blame the late bus.. the Santa Ana winds.. and just, fucking over things at the moment..
The idea of a job job keeps haunting me... Get one don't get one... Then again I say it like they are ready and waiting...
Here's another.. essential song from the past... another one of those bands that were essential to the "background noise" of my life, especially growing up. KROQ...
But this song... there is something about this beat that emotionally hypnotizes me... REM Radio Free Europe.. INXS Don't Change... Tears for Fear Change... Replacements Alex Chilton... more that I can't think of.. but these ones.. definitely...
So I found out I hate wind...
It's been windier than usual here in So Cal ( imo) and I've come to realize that it fucking annoys the hell out of me. Only because it's not like a day of wind it's a fucking season of wind. I'd like to not have to batten down the hatches when I go out.
So I was cruising through my YT history and stumbled back on the Cyndi Lauper Prince cover which gets me all worked up.. I stated as to why in that post.
There's this weird sickly addiction that I can see how people get wrapped up in an endless cycle. So the video got me doing a bit of a Prince retrospective...
Review of his albums.. ones I know and ones I don't... Wikipedia review.. listening to old tunes and songs I miss..
Glamorous Life is a song that'll get me all worked up and it's an absolutely zero emotional connection... it's this fictitious notion of a nebulous non existent fantasy land idea of a past that never was. It's the lamentations of an imaginary situation that never was... a childhood that is gone and can't be relived... rewritten.
I have these weird hooks... these tethers that are rooted in some sort of gnawing attachment to a grab bag of melancholy emotions based on a wish sandwich..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hz0UvIZw-Y0
The Chips, ''Rubber Biscuit'' (1956)
I've noticed that If I spend too much time "teasing" my emotional state I am able to get that existential angsty feeling...
I'm waiting.. and I'm doing.. but waiting... I'm not producing.. sigh.. I feel.. anxious.. I feel like I'm comparing myself to others and losing sight and focus.. my thing isn't their thing..
Songs that make me cry even though there is no reason... I'm gonna say it's the combo of Her amazing voice on this and the song itself that I think I've attached to broken relationships... it's not one in particular.. it's the heartache of loss... even as retarded as we are mentally about relationships and human biology and sociology and evolutionary biology and etc...
The excitedness and naivety of first relationships.. the emotionally highs one can get.. that endorphin rush...
Ultimately that's what it is.... it's chemicals in our brain that tell us what we crave or desire.. life is to be addicted to moments.. one after the other.. the routine..
A week or so ago I stumbled upon the cookbooks that reside in this house. Then it dawned on me that the cookbook I noticed was none other than a Better Homes & Gardens Cookbook. Just like the one I used to have, I think I'm still a bit bitter about it. Mostly because it was a snapshot of a time long gone and how tastes have changed. The one I found was newer but still had the same nostalgic feel.
That's where I got the idea for these pot pies and thinking I like pot pies, why not seafood?
So here's the gist of it. I finely diced upped the following.
6 oz Frozen Orange Roughy 1/2" cubes
2 tbs fat/oil - Butter & Bacon Grease used
2-3 cups milk - Lowfat used 1%
1 cp frozen peas
2 peeled russet potatoes 1/2" cubes
1 carrot finely diced 1/4" quarters
1 diced celery stalk
1/2 cup small dice - onion
1/3 cup finely diced - mushrooms
2 cloves garlic finely diced
1/2 tsp ground thyme
1/2 tsp dill weed
1 tsp smoked paprika
3 tbs flour
- salt was added during the whole cook process and not any specific amount.
- I diced the potatoes first to let them soak in a water salt/pepper bath
- Melted better, garlic powder, dill weed was brushed on the crust before filling and after top crust added.
Directions
In a stock pot over med-high heat saute onion for about 2 minutes, add garlic and mushrooms, add a dash of salt or two and cover for 5 minutes. Remove cover and stir on occasion for the next 5 minutes. Add thyme, dill, & smoked paprika, 1/4 tsp salt & pepper. Stir till fragrant about 45 seconds then add flour and stir for about a minute or two, then add milk stir to combine. Once it begins to thicken, remove from heat and add carrots, celery, potatoes, peas and fish. Stir to combine.
In muffin tins carefully mold and shape the pie crusts in each one. Brush melted butter with garlic powder and dill weed on each crust then fill with 1/4 cup of filling. Cover each with a crust, brush with same melted butter as before. Bake at 375 for 20-25 mins, or until browned on top.
So while not in a full blown state... I'd have to say I'm definitely not giving a shit at the moment.. which is usually a precursor for more crap..
Haven't been working out on my 3x wk routine.. just meh about it.. and my junk food intake has increased... Ugh.
I've noticed that while I do have a tendency to start lots o projects.. hardly they ever get finished.. lazy grammar.
Any who..
Good mood.. bad mood.. indifferent??
Woke up wanting hollandaise sauce on some potatoes.. so I made some and some bacon and some poached eggs...
I have to say there is something about cooking that makes me feel all warm inside .. besides the food that ends up there.
I'm guessing it's a multi fold issue on accomplishments/tasks and doing something that my younger self would have had no clue on how to accomplish..
I'm finding that I need to work on something still.. still.. always.. it's never ending and well some days I do get a bit tired of the rinse and repeat shit about life..
I'd like to not have to do the plasma thing...I'd like to not have to work.. or at least work according to the current standards imposed on us today...
I generally feel good.. generally.. hmm.. things to do today.. plasma.. weed.. store? comics to continue to catalog..
Feeling a bit scatterbrained but in a good mood...
I've noticed a few times this past month that I could easily let things escape from me mentally if I allow it.. focus.. center.. breathe...
things are good... perspective...not necessarily ideal.. but oh well... things to do..
Family is always on the mind... esp.. X..
I'm finding myself in a bot of a panic at the moment.. well at least a panic for myself.
Mid life crisis?? Mid age awareness?? The END IS NEIGH!!
Stressing about things and that usually means I'm allowing myself to become unfocused... misaligned... out of whack.. stressy.. a tad nervous.. panic-y...
The hot toddy should help and in fact I think it's all kicking in right about now..
Was going to blather on about being a whiny bitch... and feeling old and lonely and feeling like I've jumped off a cliff... the weld/make things endeavor.. I'm just getting my feet wet..
Took a flexoril and having a spiked coffee..
because I can.. but I've been listening way to much to my stomach as of late.. eating out of boredom... knowing that it's my stress reaction.. my stress eating to cope with shit.. stress eating.. I need to figure this one out..
I was thermobating the story of how I feel like a gacked out crackhead who just got his tax check cashed as I've been binge eating junk for the past few weeks as I've struggled with doing my physical 3x week exercises.. the Darebee ones.. which includes my stretches.. I need to get back.. crack crack..
things can be shit if you allow them... this is coming to terms with who you are as a person and what you can handle.. and not be unaware of the rest of the world. You can't be afraid to look at your faults.. I struggle with things.. things that I now will help me grow into a better person.. fuck I'm not even going to delude like I'm someone better... I've just found through science something that I think would be able to get people to evaluate their position in the world.
I need to get back down to at least 145... 145.. I'm 35 lbs away from that... 35..
Almost 2?? Weeks since last workout.. haven't felt like it and I think there's a bit of apathy/depression involved in that.. more just not wanting to.. still walking.. bike riding however..
Was thinking about this thing I have for certain 80's songs... This weird.. can't describe it... Songs that aren't even from fav bands but songs that make up my life.. probably talked about thisb4
..
Google phreaking and captain crunch..
so I was thinking I need to go tend to my nuggets as I just heard the timer go off.. but I was sorta feeling like I'm either a.. going a bit sir crazy now that I haven't really been out in public for a bit now and was feeling like I'm chomping at the bit.
Weld gel in hand.. will start this week?? hopefully... few more things to tie down and plans to write/draw up... we are go time.. in the go year.
Very interesting thoughts today... ideas about what is socially acceptable isn't always what is "normal".. or thereabout..
Society feeds us the cohesive anxiety driven paranoia... culture.. and what we deem normal.. why.. what is it? what makes it normal.. what's something you think isn't. or shouldn't be.. why..
most of which it is all revolving around this sexuality road I've been hanging around on lately.. this train of thought? Mood?
Never turn away from opportunity but it'll take time to develop that skill and education through failure is the best teacher.
I'm optimistic and scared and happy about X and slightly lonely.. feeling adventurous but not sure when.... ok.. goal time..
finish cart... eval... then comics and then beach trip? The non-committal committal..
thoughts are all over... meditate time...
So road trip today.. well at least on the bus to go to the metal store..
And my insignificance was brought to light via random thought about Netanyahu walking out during his corruption trial. Skimming the comments and the bullshit oppressing the Jews card is mention which makes any conversation moot regarding et al.
Which got me thinking how much we scramble as a species into our camps.. fuck we need a meteor to hit.
I was thinking just how identity is such a big part of humanity but we're only one species that's managed to fuck this planet all to hell. That and the billions.. (maybe trillions) of other stars and galaxies that could have a similar evolutionary history with a carbon bipedal being decimating it's planet as well..
The billions.. billions . Etc.. that's were I went.. I'm not even a fart on the cosmic scale of time..
Today is a gorgeous day.. smoke some more weed.. ride the bus.. go get metal.. and maybe some gel to start early.. we'll see..
So I'm trying to do some sort of documentation.. and autobiography of sorts.. and it's a fits and starts progress.. but none the less I trudge on like the westward bound vagabound that I am...
humor people.. laugh.
I unleashed this one...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xl6HerBQJJI&list=PLfimnwaZdumgiwd_XHHNYm02R30RDRXU0
Clan of Xymox - Theme I from Medusa.. in fact playing the whole album...
This was such a bug album for me in high school.. so over emotional I was... fucking depression and hormones... and the shitty .. shitty childhood...
The years I cringe and cry over more than anything if I allow it to over take me. I know it's in the past, but I just remember so much grief over who liked me and who I liked and not having a clue about other people... fucking hell.. I was super shitty back then.. and I hope less shitty today.
So here's the rub..
a song that would always get me out dancing seems to be some straight up jibber jabber..
https://genius.com/Skinny-puppy-worlock-lyrics
Who knew.. so I guess I just made a bit of a differentiation here in my music situation music...
so there's the bands that I listened to a a fairly frequent basis that weren't all dance tunes all the time... So Skinny Puppy I heard those handful of club songs and that was about all the interest I had in them say compared to Sisters of Mercy or Siouxsie or even Xymox. All of which I had at least 2 or more albums from.. only 1 from SP.
Hell the Cure is more or less the goth captain of very few club songs typically heard.. at least in LA.. I mean you did but were surprised to hear one.. pleasant surprise..
So I see these articles or news stories and wonder what does the average reader think. As these words are carefully cultivated for the "average person". So one is lead to believe, though overall I think it's the anti socialist approach seems evident when they just dump these stories with out a basis in relevance. Why do these stories matter enough to be printed. Propaganda... It all propaganda and it's the society we inherited.
No true scotsman.. is this communism?
It's obvious that there is no TRUE communist nation, because they wouldn't clampdown on their populace if it was as true as it should be.
These stories just continue to perpetuate the fucked ideologies in this world.
https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-china-55926248
China seems to have a machismo issue..
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/When_You_Were_Mine_(Prince_song)
I love Prince... He's one of those that I grew up with... re-discovered later and glad I saw him.
Missed him more than Bowie..
and for some reason this song get me all weepy...
It's the pain of loss.. usually by your own stupid ignorant choices or that's what I'm thinking back then.. when know that I look back go fuck you were dumb.. sooooo much ignorance.
and the FUCKING CYNDI LAUPER version is amazing.
Hmmm... I don't know where I am at the moment..
I'm questioning a number of things.. primarily the psychological notions of personal identity and those "things" that we consciously and UNCONSCIOUSLY attribute to the make up of our character and our being. What we like and don't like.. it's not as obvious as it seems or as society would dictate to one.
I gravitate on the left side of thinking.. I'm not convinced of the little I have read of anarchism (Conquest for Bread - Kropotkin - I think a modern version or interpretation needs to be done.) and the partial reading I've done on the Communist Manifesto.. granted lectures on these topics has giving me an incomplete but sufficient frame work for me, coupled with the contemporary yet pedestrian knowledge of various era's via Wikipedia and YouTube. I have a better than average knowledge of 70's - 80's pop culture, music in a post punk, alternative, heavy metal era... but it's far from complete and rather American culture specific.
I was raised in a non religious household, I'm guessing my parents intentions we're of the notion that "my brother and I will figure it out on our own". Granted they weren't pagans or atheists but disaffected Traditionalists.. aka the silent generation. I had to look that up.. interesting name. They were anything but traditional, brown meets white. I wonder what the situation was like for my parents... question has been asked.. just waiting now.
The long short... you are a product of your experiences and your own physiological chemical make up.. aka part of each of your parent's own DNA/RNA, epigenetics.
The world we learn from is what we want it to be, it really is. I wrestle with this one thing on a daily basis.. to smoke weed or not. Now I know all the "arguments" and the pro's con's of the weed question that I need to know.
Yes this is probably some sort of confirmation bias thing or it's me coming to a conclusion that I know how I am as a person stoned vs not stoned. I also know how it affects my mental health and am also aware enough these days when I feel off kilter or out of whack. I've been off meds for over a year and half and have managed my episodes to a phenomenal level. Weed helps keep me straight, or I should say on a perfect wavelength.
Present of mind and thought, cognitive behavior therapy via philosophy... via the long way of nothing via religion.. that's another story..
I found myself saying the actual words.. in my head..
I'm attracted to what I am attracted to.. and my personal preferences are what they are..
Whether it's tits and a cock or a cock or tits and cunt.. I am attracted towards those who are compassionate and patient yet playful and curious and science minded.
Though changing towards an artistic approach later on in my life... I need to make this happen. I have an idea.. and they just keep growing.. like my inspiration behind it.
but anyway... definitely non binary... most likely bi.. getting turned on thinking about it.
fuck it's cold today..
Radio Free Europe...
Makes me bawl at a past that I barely remember but carries such immense sadnesses.i want to enjoy some part of my past.. my youth.. and I get the lessons.. and that what I need to be mindful of..
Another foresight event... Don't get caught up... It's in the past..
The song seems to bring forth this begining theme of songs.. Replacements... Other songs that are crucial to what I focused on.. and didn't.. it's hard to explain... Your life is like a web of experiences and moments and thoughts and feelings...songs bring forth certain thoughts and feelings and rethinking things long forgot..
It's a sweet delicacy of bittersweet heroin... To long for a fantasy past at best.. the reality was the feeling of uncertainty about everything...
But now knowing.. through psychology and human behavior and biology and evolution and understanding how it works at a basic understanding..
I left HS in the 10th grade.. I should have been here sooner..
Talk about a great fucking night..
here I was earlier getting all mopey over Smiths songs and old relationship.... and googleing them...
To now having the final part to my design projects....
So... I'm thinking have acrylic joined pieces..
broken wood joined by acrylic with plant matter encased components.. lights maybe? .. then met by a metal joint.
The nozzle gel is still on order after being lost.. so another 2 weeks.. which is fine I need a few more things.. and money is here soon..
Just finished the CC flick The Kid..
I watch old movies to help me connect to the past.. it reminds me that things weren't different at all.. the really weren't.
I love watching old films and sure I am feeling a bit more melo at the moment.. 3 double whiskey gingers will do that...
I guess I'm feeling way melo... thinking of 7-Eleven Newport Beach... High School... rehab.. M days..
Why does the past come so easily... why is it the first... why things that don't matter... or have any relevance to today...
I am feeling lonely...
a bit despondent... just a smidge..
wanting things to get better... but also wanting to have certain things finished...
divorce finished... start on welding.. I need to do this..
Am I testing myself enough.. am I getting comfortable again in what is and isn't...
I've had some thoughts as of late.. some interesting thoughts..
thoughts that I'm not comfortable putting down at the moment... I'm not sure if they are what they are and need confirmation...
I'm wanting something.. or at least I think I do..
I want a lot of things.. things I don't want to really think about at the moment I'm guessing.. they aren't front and center..
a relationship of sorts post divorce.. post covid..
I'm not hopeful.. I'm not optomistic.. I'm a realist.. law of averages.. what does history say.. whats the REAL data on all this shit...
I know what I want and I'm not hopeful.. though.. though.. I may find if I pursue my volunteer interests.. I need to find a viable social source.. bars are not them.. or are they?? Don't pigeon hole.. be open.. but cautious and aware.
Is that desperation?? Is that a weak ass grab on a alternative?
I like this drinking shit... tomorrow I won't....
Spreading his magic... ha ha..
