I don't want to write...

I hate that I can't do things... I hate that I'm so negative.. aka a realist. I'm not as smart as I lead myself on to believe. I need to find some really good therapy somehow....

I'm frightened that I'll never be able to get out of this never ending hole....

I'm afraid that my depression will come back so aggressively so bad that I'll be suicidal again...

There are a number of things that I still would like to do...

I'm exercising... I need to focus on weight loss or incorporate it as well.

I like cooking... I want to do the sewing.. and other things.. I have a plan.. I need to be patient.. focus on what I can do...

Relative...

Trying not to have an emotional breakdown.

So it looks like Metallica is now in that category of verboten music, and I'm not surprised, well I am but when I look back on it I'm not... it was smack dab at the beginning of my teen years that I was introduced to them... and at Crossroads none the less...

I was raised on those first three albums... Fade to Black was my theme song way back then. Seriously.. what's with this drama.

All I hear is tick-tock... tick-tock....

I'm trying to keep everything in perspective, but too much shit is going on.

A huge delay in an order and no fucking response.

Not too mention I have a feeling I'm jumping into something I shouldn't... that's the fear talking and I know it.

Xander is foremost on my mind...

I struggle as a parent...

Do I set my standards to high? Are my expectations, that I can't even meet, realistic?

Is that something I need to look into? I expect too much... I expect people to know shit I know. And here we are again at what is and isn't "common sense".

I'm not one to dwell on things, there is too much anguish for one to contemplate ones current events and life standing at the moment.

More like lack of.

This is not helping my mental health state... and things were actually getting better.

Why am I haunted by my past so much.... Why do these phantoms have such control of my thoughts...

------

So there have been a few things I want to get off my chest.. more in a "complaint to the universe" type thing...

I've become more or less a misanthrope, I really can't stand people. Then again I wonder how much of that is due to me not liking myself either.

Conversely I miss companionship and for some stupid reason think I can find someone worthwhile. That is, we are both looking for the same things.

I think I'm trying to find anything and everything to distract my brain from going off the rails..

Life is one long ass - 7 stages of grief.

I'm having a hard time with things... the depression is definitely creeping back in. I'm not a patient person... I can't wait for shit and well I can feel things are off kilter and with my brain going all the time. I'm wondering what's affecting me (emotions/memories/current state of things/etc) and where I'm at and how I'm processing things.

I have some things to keep me busy here soon enough, and a job with the Census I hope. It's more or less something that I'm banking on. There's not much else out there at the moment and well... Desperate Time.

Weirdness

So the last week or so has been weird... I think.

Didn't exercise today... in fact I've only played video games.. washed dishes.. made a sandwich... and that about it... haven't even smoked today.

There's some anxiety in here... but there's something else... there's this feeling I have in my stomach.



I think I've found my crack... as it gives me the sweats... GTA V


So I've more or less stopped playing games all day.. well.. mostly.

Then GTA V was free... and oh boy...

While I hate the PC controls... I need a controller, I'm figuring things out..


So I'm wondering... why is the game so big if you can only access certain areas at specific points during the game... I get it (game dev)... but none the less.


The overwhelming feelings are still sitting there... waiting.. watching..

This covid shit is beyond fucking annoying... and yet another fucking reminder of how i'm not in control... despite wanting to be. I've had to restrain that person.

The Last Starfighter

This is what should be rebooted...

they could totally make a kick ass flick about this.. make it a global championship tournament or something internet based MMO.

DOOOOODDDDe.


cerealy... reboot..remake.. whatever.. would totally work. There are more than enough 80's B actors you could hire.

But that's the thing it has to be low grain filmed like the 80's or at least filtered in a way that gives the feel that 80's films seem to have... Goonies... Fright Night... Any Hughes film with a good outside shot.. there's this "film quality" or filter to it that gives this... Lost boys is another.. maybe I'm just remembering them on the big screen...

hmmm....

anyhoo...

D&D helped with my inquisitiveness by constant research.

I just realized how D&D had a huge impact on me growing up.

The constant reading of those books that just continued my further interest in fantasy, that made me read stats on fictional characters rooted in reality. That's why I like this game a lot. There's so much that can be gained if the right conditions are allowed to be played out.

It helped me get interest in a number of things.... I know now that the current education systems really fucking suck.

Nostalgia - the mind killer

So for some reason another stupid monologue popped in my head on bullshit and not dealing with people who believe in it.

Which got me to thinking about how information should be handled, and then to some sort of defense about games & rpg's & fantasy & literature..

to think of a western or maybe fantasy setting for DS9...

Quart is a local goblin bar owner (though he is famously known for his illegal activities). His brother along with his brother's son help out at the bar.

See now... even has I try to dig for a bit more on this I keep recalling the show and it's moments and for some reason they are attached to a time that I miss or something.

See I don't know.... is the painful longing for something indescribable.. why is it like this..  I guess what I'm saying is I know some people have this worse off than I do.. and never get out of their past.

I know I chase after moments or have at least been known to.

Weird thoughts came in my head today... ghost in the machine sorta things...

the whole idea that there's a carbon based meat bag being driving by a result of electrical impulses via synapses inside me noggin. I'm looking through a optical cortex that has severely degraded over time along with the rest of this craptastical dilapidated system of chemical biomarkers the are pre-generated to release during ones life cycle in varying degrees that more or less drive you towards your day to day activities.  Only to be subject to the whims of whether or not one is truly in control of what they do. The inherent genetic traits that have been passed down from generation to generation, let alone the microbial drivers that reside in our gut. We are so much still in our infancy to learn about why people do what they do. We have a broad picture that is fairly well filled in, know we are learning more details and continue to revise the model of what is known.

Dunning Kruger of cooking?

So first off I'm not trained in any professional sense and I've more or less learned via the hard way... trial and error.. I'm a slow learner. I'm finding that concepts while generally easy for me to grasp, I generally only grasp the basics if that and then years later go.. Hey would you look at that. So it applies this way as well or .... I guess it's just getting a broader understanding of things...

So I'm thinking about what the basics of cooking would look like. I watched a ton of cooking shows growing up. The former SF Cordon Bleu school, CIA, Jeff Smith, Julia, Jacque, and others.

Read a fair number of books, but it was getting my head around techniques.. having this properly explained would have helped. I learned a lot about quality food products from watching cooking shows, and I guess more or less the basics to some extent. Though the fact it took over 20 years for me to get it all together... see... this.. this whole post right now...

So one of the things I've been conscious of is what I say, and I know a goooooood portion of it comes off in a negative context. So one of the things I have been pontificating to myself about, is to what degree does it actually affect others.

Then I have a part of me going, but the majority of the population is barely aware of existence outside their own skulls.

Anyway... I've developed my cooking skills to a point that I continue to improve... the successful Indian this week is proof... and with that.. I am on the verge of tears happy about.

Ohh. yeah.. craving Hawaiian... chicken and rice and mac salad.

Maybe musubi...

Things like this....

The girl's mother died when she was 3 months old and they don't have a picture together so an artist made this for her. from r/nextfuckinglevel

Every now and again I come across a feel good piece that actually feels good.

Nouvelle Vague / Dance With Me

Feeling Like Yesterday

So for some reason... this song makes me cry like the over emotional 16 yr old I once was. Partly because of Bob.. but this tune... it's a dancey... melancholy song that I would have given to who knows after a break up.



however.. there really is no.. one.... Maybe P... ok.. mostly P...



Am I that lonely.... Or just miss the feeling... the fleeting feeling of love or being in love...



I hate emotions... ha.



I really think I have higher female hormones than most guys...  then again.. maybe this is normal..



sigh..  I really would like to have a good fucking emotional dam burst and "get over" whatever feels pent up inside...



So much sadness... I want to get rid of it... so I can make room for more...



sigh...

No joy

So at age 46.. is that the reason why I no longer find joy in the things I once did.

Is it something as simple as I've out grown them?

Hmmm....

I mean I sorta want to do certain things, but I strongly get the impression. That part of this struggle that I have with myself is being able to let go of things that are familiar and habit. I have a good idea of where I would like things to go.

I have this gnawing anxiety at the moment... part of the big reason why I keep smoking.

Hmmm... doubt...  how much does that affect me? So many questions...


Currently watching contemporary blues video on YouTube... specifically Kingfish.. and Eric Gales. and Samantha Fish...

to be follow up with by Charlie Pride..


I'm trying to break the cyclical bullshit that permeates in my life.

I need to start writing for the YT channel... I have some roughs already.. I need to make a schedule of S1.

1 a month? Twice? More?

Hmm... Remember... this is not a race.. I can't force shit and I can mostly plan and prepare. Which I need to do... I remember the conversations in my head telling my bitch ass to fall in line. Fuck... If I don't listen to myself than there is no hope.... as much as I would like a nindo, that's not me... (fuck).

Like right now I think I need a margarita... and some more water. Maybe just water.

So maybe some good newsish...

But first..

https://www.discogs.com/Atrium-Musicae-de-Madrid-Gr%C3%A9gorio-Paniagua-Tarentule-Tarentelle/release/14500636

Got a bug up butt to look for a cd I had many many moons ago that I picked up at a "Ren Faire" at GWC back in the 80's. I may have been 10 or 11, this would have been after I got introduced to D&D so yeah go figure, not too mention I had a brother and father who were voracious readers. Me not so much, I read a few things but for some reason that bug as flown the coop and not returned for some time sad to say. Maybe I can coax it back here soon.

So yeah Renaissance music was a big part of my pre teen years, hell I saw Dragonslayer at the Drive In in Orange.

So I can see why I was primed for Dead Can Dance and all the other great post punk.

So yeah on to maybe the sorta goodish news.

Starting an actual business this time, and I think if I actually do this right I can get something going..

Sad to say, if it wasn't for Covid I wouldn't have started it.

Also after rewatching Naruto for the 3rd (?) time I've come to the conclusion that one of the reasons why it's one of my favorite anime is due to the fact that I'm reminder by all the kids and the house and even Pam back in GG.

So yeah... lotso tears day.