P

I'd be lying if I said I have not been thinking of Pam these weeks since being out here. More so in thinking back on her own words of feeling lonely.

What is the smothering feeling that occurs when I try to sort how I feel about her. I hate that I feel confused most of the time, I hate that my feelings always waver towards others. I hate that I view others as just potential disappointments or some negative future events.

This is something I would get rid of if I could... I'm having a hard time with my emotions and keeping focus on the herenow.

I have I processed everything.. have I recognized everything... Is there anything else?

I'm not capable of living in the moment as my thoughts always drift towards worst case scenarios.

My head is stuck in Fantasyland... And my body in hell.. reality.

I don't hate her, but I don't think I love her... I don't think I'm capable of that..

I'm too self centered... I get the genetics thing ( or so I believe)... I'm beginning to second guess my choices... Things that I wish I could change..

I miss being in love... I miss the goofy feeling, acting towards another person...

I hate the loneliness but know that I'm no good in relationships.