Musical Obituary

So I'm in the process of trying to make a video record of things.. I don't know why.. I just am...

I hate this I hat these flood of emotions pouring in from songs that don't really do anything aside from bringing light to my past... my earliest memories of music... whether they are songs that I personally enjoyed or heard in the moments between moments, these are the songs that I recall... now I don't have dates around them all I do know where I was (though probably don't know what I was thinking).

These songs are bring forth a sense of sadness I didn't really want to have to contend with.. let alone thought I would have to contend with. I hate being out of control with my feelings... the senselessness on how I just reacted to everything... I didn't think.. I just reacted driven only by instincts and the endless pursuit of pleasures...

I ... I'm feeling like whatever protective shell I've had on the past months is now gone.. whatever thin veneer that was is no longer.

What is this blubbery mess that I've become...

I miss my family?????
I miss my childhood???
My teen years???
Past relationships?
Past events?

Why am I so blubbery... I can't put my finger on what is making me this way?

I've recently left the East coast from N Carolina, ending a 25+ year relationship, separating family members, bringing some back together.

I'm without a job... not knowing how I'm going to make some payments on things here in the near future that I have to make...

I'm outta shape.. over weight.. easily swayed by my emotions from one day to the next...

and always back at square one... with less than before... I think I've come to a point where I can diagnose things.. but I'm wondering what I'm missing... sigh...