Happy Sad

New band name.. I claim it.

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This Mortal Coil - Mr Somewhere


This song makes me very sad... for no reason. I've really become quite a sight lately.

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Delayed update...


Trying to play Japanese Whispers... I guess it makes sense... if I'm becoming hyper emotional at the thought of my past who would have thought that one of the most influential bands of my life would be the Cure? Who me?

Is this the pent up grief since Xander? Since before we left Ca... after his first episode.... I had an almost breakdown in the garage... but bottled it back up.. 

I hope I get this job... I know I'm at a point in my life of  things are just going to get harder if you don't change... You said later... I don't know how many times I said that over the decades... now it has to change... I have the next round of food stamps at diet change... no more processed, almost 0 carbs (no bread), no potatoes or other starchy vegetables, limited rice (1/2 cp/day), limited legumes (1/2 cp/day), meat/fruit/veg focused. I'm needing to have my veggie intake be at least equal with my meat intake, which means decreased meat intake to compensate, rounding out with fruits. Increase water and decrease added sugars intake to no more than 20 gm day.  Need to make alternative veggie chip/veggie dip options aside from salsa & baba ganoush

Processed foods includes white sugar.

No more tortillas... no more buns... donuts.. muffins... corn tortillas but in moderation. no more than 6 a week or 3 tacos.

Jonathan Edwards would be proud?

So I'm thinking I need to re-evaluate my ideas on sexuality and what's appropriate... Here I found myself for a split second how it's a shame how people sell themselves on chaturbate.... and I'm like what a sec... consenting adults should be allowed to do whatever they agree to...

bizarro...

Ska ska ska... Jamaican ska

I've come to find that ska and or reggae are my secret happy music... or stuff that generally puts me in a good mood... might as well add rocksteady to that as well.

I remembered where I first heard the title of this post.... Back to the Beach... Fishbone was in it..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xK2--2TrJRg

New Music

I have to say I have been finding some good music lately...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQJuGKT7mAw

Going to have to spend some time curating a playlist of some kind... I just don't know if I have the time to do it though..

I'll just have to post stuff here...

Radio Free Europe

I love 80's post punk.. this song from REM is probably my favorite of all time... And all the other songs like it..

Inxs.. tears for Fears.. Replacements.. etc..

motel money murder madness

Found a dive bar... Bartt drunk is funny.. 2 drinks... and done.

Funny... Stuttering John at the bar..

Instant Replay... Last of a legend.. dive bars are the best.

Rise and shine

Waking up and the brain goes into overtime... Tired of the sadness, tired of depression, tired of the constantly thinking of my past and days long gone... Friends gone... Broken relationships...

Tired of being tired, tired of not being able to change.. what other excuses can I insert here.

My routine is generally the same... Tired of that as well...

Want to change but not motivated enough to do a damn thing about it... I have no discipline..

Tired of feeling lonely... Tired of always looking for the next thing...

Songs I'm surprised I like for $300

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrygAv93Ick

Poe - Angry Johnny

And it's from the 90's... again feeling overwhelmed???  Nostalgia for the past... and here's another one...


Andy Prieboy - Tomorrow Wendy


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZBQGCI2hm0

https://www.songfacts.com/facts/concrete-blonde/tomorrow-wendy

• Johnette Napolitano of Concrete Blonde didn't write this song, but knows the story behind it. When we spoke with her in 2013, she explained: "Wendy was a real person. She was diagnosed with AIDS and rather than suffering the stigma, she decided to commit suicide. It's an old song, so this is a long time ago, and not that anything's changed much, by the way. But it's basically her dialogue with herself as to the decision she's going to make on her own. She's making the decision on her own, it's her one act of dignity in her life. And it's heavy, to say the least.
  
  When that first came out, there was a lot of good old fashioned southern 'we should burn this record' kind of s--t. Between the vampires and Wendy, I think those people just about choked on their whatever." (Here's our full Johnette Napolitano interview.)
• This song was written by Andy Prieboy, who in the mid-'80s was lead singer of the Los Angeles group Wall Of Voodoo. On his 1990 album Upon My Wicked Son, Prieboy released a duet version with Concrete Blonde lead singer Johnette Napolitano. Concrete Blonde put it on their third album, Bloodletting, which contained their most popular song, "Joey." This version was sung mainly by Johnette, with Andy doing backing vocals, and was the last song on the album. >>

Lourtney Cove

I continue to find myself on the edge of tears... yet again... I continue to struggle with reminiscing about the past... no... I was brought to tears because of a video about top 30 female fronted bands and Hole came up... I never liked them back then.. but I do appreciate them now... a few other bands and names popped up that I was familiar with and quite a few new...

I'm having a hard time avoiding triggers that initiate this... has a number of new triggers are setting everything off.

Gluttonous

https://youtu.be/-Nq12k4xM7I


The cartoon has no attachment to me whatsoever... the song and the act of walking and choosing a song to remind you of another... have waaaay too much attachment.

Why am I wanting this... what is this... the overwhelming feeling towards another... the sappy being in a relationship that you want to be in feeling... it goes away.. it's not permanent..

Why do I want this?

It reminds me of my youth... and the careless free days? Fuck that's a conundrum... How does one process their life? What makes something the culprit to ones' 'idiosyncrasies'.

Could you tolerate being involved with a person who had the same bad traits as yourself? I still need to find something along the lines of a personal assessment...

fuck crampy spasm in left forearm....

on the water today... plasma tomorrow... $$

21st or 22nd?

So I can't ever remember T's bday...  I wan't to blame Pam... as she went on for forever about how it was one day but not the other or vice versa... that is... the date her Dr at the time gave her vs actual bday.

It's always stuck in my head... I found myself..(FIND) getting blubbery again... so many things I want to write... Your always in my mind/heart sweetie...

The wrong one I have chose?

So a song that I have no connection with whatsoever comes out of left field...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33N1j34UIJE


I find myself wanting companionship... and I do think quite often, have I given up on a sure thing?

but I think further and think there is nothing left of the person that I was attracted to... I don't see how she could still think that I'm the only one... maybe I changed too much?

Is that life... is that just another one of those aspects of life  (insert blubbery mess here)...

is life just one heartbreak after another... that's what scares me... do I keep it all at a distance? Do I have a wall?

I need to make a list of my plans.. and use that as a reminder... no dates.. just a sequential to do list..

Job is still first of the list...

I need to find activities.. free-ish ones.

Musical Obituary

So I'm in the process of trying to make a video record of things.. I don't know why.. I just am...

I hate this I hat these flood of emotions pouring in from songs that don't really do anything aside from bringing light to my past... my earliest memories of music... whether they are songs that I personally enjoyed or heard in the moments between moments, these are the songs that I recall... now I don't have dates around them all I do know where I was (though probably don't know what I was thinking).

These songs are bring forth a sense of sadness I didn't really want to have to contend with.. let alone thought I would have to contend with. I hate being out of control with my feelings... the senselessness on how I just reacted to everything... I didn't think.. I just reacted driven only by instincts and the endless pursuit of pleasures...

I ... I'm feeling like whatever protective shell I've had on the past months is now gone.. whatever thin veneer that was is no longer.

What is this blubbery mess that I've become...

I miss my family?????
I miss my childhood???
My teen years???
Past relationships?
Past events?

Why am I so blubbery... I can't put my finger on what is making me this way?

I've recently left the East coast from N Carolina, ending a 25+ year relationship, separating family members, bringing some back together.

I'm without a job... not knowing how I'm going to make some payments on things here in the near future that I have to make...

I'm outta shape.. over weight.. easily swayed by my emotions from one day to the next...

and always back at square one... with less than before... I think I've come to a point where I can diagnose things.. but I'm wondering what I'm missing... sigh...

P

I'd be lying if I said I have not been thinking of Pam these weeks since being out here. More so in thinking back on her own words of feeling lonely.

What is the smothering feeling that occurs when I try to sort how I feel about her. I hate that I feel confused most of the time, I hate that my feelings always waver towards others. I hate that I view others as just potential disappointments or some negative future events.

This is something I would get rid of if I could... I'm having a hard time with my emotions and keeping focus on the herenow.

I have I processed everything.. have I recognized everything... Is there anything else?

I'm not capable of living in the moment as my thoughts always drift towards worst case scenarios.

My head is stuck in Fantasyland... And my body in hell.. reality.

I don't hate her, but I don't think I love her... I don't think I'm capable of that..

I'm too self centered... I get the genetics thing ( or so I believe)... I'm beginning to second guess my choices... Things that I wish I could change..

I miss being in love... I miss the goofy feeling, acting towards another person...

I hate the loneliness but know that I'm no good in relationships.

new new new new old

I'm sitting on the 9th floor of a building in Woodland Hills, for an interview for something new. I'm also going through some emotional crap... Music seems to be a trigger and in the most unlikely of things it's a new band and not from the tortured soul days... Everything is fine for the most part... Well if you consider that I'm jobless, the home life has disintegrated, and I feel on the verge of a breakdown.

Lonely.. tired... tired... Depressed (?)...
I wonder if I'm making things better or worse?

I've found myself longing for days past again.. days that have long come and gone. Regrets creeping in and  ruining the mood. Cheesy anime giving me false impressions on imaginary situations of companionship and the like.

I have an idea on starting a business... Or at least some side work but need a job & $ to get going.

I find myself insanely sad at reminiscing the teen drama of long ago. What might of happened if done differently. The first time feelings... I hate the neurological bullshit that makes it so..