stuck in the middle with me

Finding that as I try not to over think things I still end up overthinking things....

then again.. what is overthinking?

Sure you can look at a menu for too long... hell I spent 40 minutes driving around Costa Mesa trying to figure out something to eat only to end up at Del Taco... again..

Other times I just rush right into things.. with out spending an ounce of thought into whether it is a good decision or not.

I'm there again... on more than one thing to.

I'm tired.. slightly hung over... but I find myself wanting to end things again... what do I come back to this... again and again..

This is were I come to some bad conclusions... namely lack of self worth.

I really don't see a point to life... yet to scared to want to end things.

This existence is fairly mundane and repetitive and boring as all fuck... granted if ones has means I'm sure it's a lot better... but after years of putting in time and nothing to really show for it... working that is.. it's hard not to be beat down on life of what the fuck is all for? so I can be old and in shit health to have that prolonged.

I'm really at a crossroads here in some respects...

tired of being tired.. and nothing seems to work.. (or at least in my head nothing seems to work)...

What do I get from my troubles... nothing but more troubles.. (Sounding like Poopdeck Pappy here now)..

I'm not saying that life couldn't be better I honestly don't see it happening.. even with my harebrained ideas as of late.. I just see myself stuck in something else... why am I wired the way I am and why does it seem like I can never break from it... my habits and behaviors... (getting over emotional again)..

What changes.... can I effectually do?

Oh hey...

Just remembered one of the big reasons why I do stay around...

Despite the statements of how I'll break her heart.. sad to say but divorces can do that.

However... it's also because of the notion that I think she'd actually die from a broken heart... stroke prone and all. So that's why I feel trapped... not too mention kids that are completely directionless.... oh to be that age again. Well at least 2 that I know of.. ohh the suspense.. naww I'll you try and figure it out.

Shit I can't post on Facebook

I was scrolling down Facebook...

45 Grave page comes up with their song Party Time.

My immediate reaction was to post a comment about how I almost lost my virginity to that song. Getting busy with the girlfriend, this is in the late 80's, the said song was playing with one of the greatest zombie flicks of all time.... Return of the Living Dead

This was the first time trying to get it on but needless to say with no experience in said act no one knew what to do precisely.

That someone is Meredith... now that's a story for another day. That story is not going be a good one...

And I found out a painful truth...

So today is the over emotional.. but thanks to smoking some herb... my emotional levels have stabilized?

This song..https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NyLGYDBkLzw

Sergio Mendes
Never Gonna Let you Go...

I'm pretty sure I put this on a tape for Pam... waaaaaaay back when. Back when one professed their true emotions on a mix tape of current music.



I figured if there was song that I would associate with... this would be it... but it's not. Missy's?


I was surprised it wasn't her... couldn't think of any one else. Then it looks like it's actually some fucked up reminder about my Mom... and actually I can see why... I was on my Georgia trip... this she was playing this song during our trip... The visual of the memory is faded... I just remember it was in the car that she was driving... and she had the tape it was on. 70's/80's Jazz/R&B was what i was raised on... Miles.. George Benson.. Spyro Gyra..  Donna Summer... David Sanborn.. Steel Pulse... KEARTH 101 when they played stuff from the 40's, 50's, & 60's. She'd gone to the Playboy Jazz Festival on more than one occasion. It's weird but when you get older you start to analyze shit in more detail... either that or I'm really getting over emotional at the drop of a dime lately. No I think this is just how I'm dealing with getting old...  or the stress over the past who knows how long.. Xander?

This is one of the points I'm at... I'm fighting.. shit.. I'm fighting myself...  I know I am... it's the waaaaay too lazy part of me making excuses.. on sooo many things...

projects... well actually I've been fairly busy since the 1st of the year.. maybe a couple of wknds I could've gone and worked on shit... but honestly I think I'm approaching the point of no return..

not in an end my life way (not that this past melt down at work it's didn't come to mind more than a few times) but in a change my life completely sort of way. I feel like I'm being held against my will in a manner of speaking... or having conformed to manner through emotional bonding over the years on a I feel like I have grown as a person in ways that I can convey fairly textbook on how I feel, but would be meet with strong resistance even to the point of emotional manipulation. Now before i go further.... 1) I am fairly stoned at the moment.. but honestly I feel a bit better after a mild cry.. mild in my opinion... compared to say.... Xander... if you know what I mean.

anywho..

after 20 years... after everything we have been through and back... I struggle with the idea of ending it all.... I feel like there is a big part of me that wants to be ALONE going forward. Why.. well let's just say if this is your first reading of said grievances then just wait.. it goes back to Thanksgiving 2015..  usuyally the more mad I am.. the more straightforward the post title is.


But most importantly... I don't have to really give you an answer... There really is a big part that wants to say do it..

but I stay.. I don't know why... at least that what it feels like at times.

I feel like I'm 20 years too late for anything now... whoo hoo the wonderful self esteem..

I talk a lot... and I'm really chomping at the bit with hopfeully being self supportive... but scared shitless at the same time...

I'm struggling to stay... and I still feel she could've done better.

Songs I heard but didn't really listen to...

So in my blissful listening to Rainbow I get side tracked with an email from work about the Song of the Day...  a random co worker will submit a song (sometimes) on Friday.

And I'm finding myself getting completely over emotional about songs I heard as a kid... some of which I guess are ingrained in my memory... and most of the ones I have now gone on rabbit trails after... On YouTube you have your video but recommendations for other video maybe by the same artist or similar artists or songs.

Chaka Khan
George Benson
Michael McDonald
and I'm sure I'll find more if I keep acting like Alice...

I think I'm going to need to get this out of my system... whatever this is.. and I hate that I can't figure out what this is...

What is this shit....

Under Pressure

Why does nostalgic sentimentality get me?


Just wanted to watch a David Bowie video or two and the rabbit trails go from there...

What is this.. why am I so quick to being over emotional... and then I stuff it down for another day..

Well being at work doesn't help and if I had the privilege of privacy for some time I'd be a wretched mess.

Getting old sucks... this human experience.. this point in time in the world and in life. he knowledge that we have now versus say even 100 years ago... hell 50 years ago.

Anywho... nothing really matters to me or so the end of BR goes.

Do they realise...

The complaints from conservatives about government programs and especially the bs with Sanders being labeled a commie and shit.

They complain about the cost of shit has much has the next person. Though they don't see the government sponsored program for what it is. Which is their tax dollars being spent in a manner that makes it affordable to live and thrive. They're to caught up if one cent of "their tax money" goes to some gay illegal who is seeking asylum from a Middle East country.

We all were a part of being fed a line of fairness and American Dream bullshit if you've attended any public school since well before McCarthyism here in the US.

American culture is primarily left or right, though there is this culture in the middle. For me I'm to liberal for my conservative friends and too conservative for my liberal friends... Which is more or less my perception.

Next steps...

Now that is part of the ride... the past few days have really thrown me for a loop and then some.

I've been trying to figure out what to do for some many years and I think I've finally figured it out.

So I figure why not start growing on a more permanent basis.... it really is the only thing that I can do at this point that doesn't require a shit ton of education to move on to. I've done a ton of preliminary research and practice. Well one grow isn't a ton but I think I've figured out enough to where I can grow enough to maintain a decent life hopefully... 

We'll see. will need to start looking at building materials and what not.

I'm no where near where I want to be but I think this is my last chance.

Not of sound mind

I see why people drink and what not... I see that is masks everything... I also know that I can't see myself going that route... I'm not scared of death... I'm scared of life.. I'm scared of everything..

Im really tired of it..  I don't want to live.. Or do I?

I hate myself on so many levels.. And my regrets seem to be center stage as of late.. And the shit at work is just the icing on the cake.

I hate this existence...

Life sucks

Sad to say seeing my blog title makes me cringe as probably this post will too.

Why is it that I feel like I've been feed a steady diet of bullshit since birth?

Here I go again with over emotional rants on stuff... that I have conflicting feelings about.

Conflicting feelings about life... my life and all that it entails.

Right now I would take the easy way out... maybe.

I'm trying to get my head around things... but I'm not able to... I feel so inadequate about everything...

I feel everything is useless and pointless... this is the biggest topic at the moment.

this is the one that drives me again and again... to wonder why bother..

to what end?

For what?

Outside of family... no one gets affected and so what.. life goes on. obla dee obla daa

I'm back here again... back again.. here..

tired... of it all.. tired of being broken..

I hate being here... I hate it.. I know me... I know what I do... and I don't ever see it getting better.

I'm tired of it all because I don't see it ever getting better.... no matter I do... it just goes to shit.

This is what takes me to this point... this point that I've been to before.. and right now I'm not sure..

I'm not sure about what I want to do... I'm tired.. tired of trying... I don't want to anymore..

I give up...

I don't believe in miracles....

Miracles are for those who can't understand shit and want to have some sort of imaginary reasoning behind the way things are.

With that said... it'll be a miracle if I get through this day.

In this context I'm using it as there isn't another phrase I can think of at the moment.

It's pretty bad at the moment.. the depression that it... literally on the verge of losing since this morning.

It's not good.. not good at all..

I'm really not having a good time at all... everything thing seems to be an never ending shit storm.. and I'm feeling very defeated at the moment. in everything... and really not able to through through said shit storm.

Growing Apart

How long is love?

How long is marriage?

Why do we cling to our past? Or at least why do I?

I had something sort of an epiphany the other day while talking to my wife... I feel like I've grow beyond our relationship and beyond her. I doubt these revelations and feelings... I doubt them because I know I have a tendency to get ahead of myself...

but I take note.. just as I take note with a number of other things that have happened since then...

I'm a bit confused on this... on so many levels.

Have I really grown beyond the relationship?

Do people stay in relationships just because?

I don't really see her changing... I don't like that she hasn't change now that I look at things.

I'm also under the impression that if I left... it wouldn't be good for her at all... given the stroke from last year along with everything else.

I really think she'd die if I left..

And I don't think I have any options if that is the case...

More silliness..

I call these events silly...

silly in my eyes... my over emotional response to the events at the end of Dragons of Spring Dawning. The whole book itself.

The events, the characters... whatever it is about this story. It speaks to me in sweet tones of adventure... and more.

Silly and dumb

If I could live my life in a fantasy realm such as DL it would be amazing.

Chest pains

Side note... I've been having some slight chest pains over the past month...

Part of me thinks its the high cholesterol... It could very well be. After 40 heart attacks are possible with HC.

Part of me doesn't care.. a part much larger than that that does.



Not liking the body at the moment... Not sure what I can do.. that won't disrupt my already complacent apathetic do nothing schedule... while there is some truth in this...

Weird day... head feels cloudy... unfocused more so than usual. tired.. very tired.

I always have this lingering feeling of weird stuff from time to time.. weird thoughts...

being trapped in this body...

knowing that I know nothing... to an extent.. but what I do know is somewhat terrifying I guess.. or what I choose to believe for the moment. My current paradigm on life and what not...

Not trying to sound pretentious... but the more you think about life as we know it especially if you prescribe to atheist leanings or the current hot controversial ideas of the universe.

weirdness level 99

Dragonlance Chronicles

It's silly... but none the less.

The chronicles brings me much happiness...

I don't know how to explain it. The struggles they go through... even with a number of other books I have read... the stories around this group are my favorite.

Nihilism or not

For me it's difficult not to see the glass as half empty... though I'll joke about the glass being the wrong size to begin with. There are so many things that make it difficult to see the "roses", let alone devoting time to smell them.

Despite this I know that there is no time like now. Holy shit do we live in a fucking awesome time, conversely it is shit as well.

Sadly I don't spend more time enjoying what is... though this is mostly due to my situation (or what I perceive).

We truly are our own worst enemy.... and I am jealous for those who have the self discipline to conquer this. I struggle with self discipline horribly... and quit way to easily.

This troubles me to no end.

Though I know things are good... depending on how you look at it. Though I don't deny the shit-cicle that we have to contend with as well.