Nothing matters
Apathy
Just don't give a shit
Are these true and or correct?
Is my situation (here in Tx, lack of money, lack of prospects, lack of a lot of things... that I could probably go on for a bit... things that I could fix, but would I rather just not? Would I rather just complain? Would I rather do nothing and just bitch?
Or is it something else entirely? Am I missing something... which I very much think it is..
I'm tired at the moment.. mentally, physically, and emotionally... I feel off.. sinus issues, allergies are driving me up a wall at the moment...
being here in this fucking state which is a hell hole and a half.
Wondering how my kid is doing knowing his shit show of a situation... his is truly a shit show..
Shiny Shiny
Genius of Love
Oingo Boingo mix
U2 Boy
What is it about the music of my youth that sends me down this path of melancholic nostalgia.
Songs that are not really in lists of anythings aside from being the glue to it all.
These peripheral bands.. music I heard again and again..
and now thinking of that damn Black Mirror episode that absolutely send me in a nostalgic tailspin of sadness. What is it about the past that does this to me? This longing for a time that I can NEVER recapture. That throws me off emotionally and mentally time and again. Granted it's no where as bad as it was in my late 30's, early 40's where I would avoid it completely. Songs of my youth that I avoided so as to not feel that way.
Ozzy
Fuck HH
Chuck?
Yes this is cryptic but google current event deaths.
Ozzy was my childhood, HH is a racist irrespective of childhood connection, and Mangione is part of my background childhood soundtrack in my household.
There's this melancholic feeling of numbness about a time no longer here, but ever present.
The past filled with hopeful ignorance, naivety, and a beguiled innocence.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Single_point_of_failure
This has me really thinking at the moment about the current state of affairs.
The absolute shit show that humanity is.
I personally think and feel that humanity is a failed experiment in the course of evolution and is nothing more than a cancerous parasite. Given the fact that the worst of us seems to dominate the current state of humanity since the dawn of humanity. Riddled throughout humanity's minimal time on this planet is nothing but one overwhelming example after another of their failed actions, especially with regards to humanity's numerous attempts to rectify the calamitous actions of humanity, only to be thwarted again by humanity. The Sisyphean concert of life via evolution' chaotic song. Where even those deemed to be stars are but a speck of dust.
I'm aware of my failings and more failures are to be discovered whilst I still breathe. I do believe that mutual cooperation is humanities best path, but that seems nigh impossible given that we have been ruled by the spectrum of the most depraved of humanity. I feel that science and history show this to be true given that the systems in place have always benefited a minority, sacrificing the majority, but theses seems to scream at the forces beyond our control does it not. The forces of nature, of chaos, of evolution, of our primal drives, and most especially of our own ignorance towards these things. I know I have limited skills towards anything of a single purpose. Let alone the minimal experience in the hobbies and passions that do drive me. I know enough to be dangerous vs helpful. I think my latest vehicular maintenance activities scream at that. Seriously I took for granted my abilities and my ego and hubris got the better of me, once again financially and emotionally.
This conflict of reality ever present that drives our anxiety, the escapes we as a species go to to avoid thinking of it at all. One' existence, this existential workout of either letting go or fighting to hold on to the illusions we are presented. All while being blind to what matters and what doesn't. Yet is that not also an illusion, this socially constructed reality of what matters and what doesn't?
Science presents the data, we have to interpret it, we have to give it meaning, but only if we determine what matters and why? You have to understand things that are more than, most likely never have been taught to us, or explained to us in a non bias manner.
Though we all have a bias, it's only through analysis that we determine how it effects us.
This is where we have to have a spectrum way of thinking. How one thing effects another through the totality of reality via the forces of nature that govern us. What is reality? Who are we? What drives/motivates us to do what we do? What is the big picture?
So what does this have to do with SPoF. Humanities greed will be our downfall, humanities cowardice is it's shame. Through ineptitude and inaction we've sold ourselves out to a minority for an illusion. An illusion of power and greed, via audacious ego trips both of the ethereal and historical moments.
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/if-you-say-science-is-right-youre-wrong/
So I'm thinking about this quote.. you have to explain it so a 5 yr old can understand or something to that effect..
but I think this is erroneous.... because this seems to imply that there is enough knowledge for a 6yr old for them to be able to comprehend it.
Or am I wrong in this? How do I explain the science of the universe to a 6yr old?
Again i know my own failing are numerous as is my lack of education and knowledge. This is where I know I get stuck in my head... and what causes me to go out and look for answers outside of myself. That said there are a number of times in the recent past where I have read something and another or so and formed an opinion that was found in something later. Though i couldn't for the life of me tell you what anyone of those instances are at the moment. Though it does have to do with human behavior and psychology and biology and history and et al..
So I was thinking what would be needed to explain it away ... that is how would I group or classify the things that I would need to touch on for someone to have a sufficient template or list or syllabus to read and examine/experience for oneself to understand?
What human experience allows one to be able to see beyond the self? Which again i am conflicted as life to me seems as only an illusion. To which I ask myself how much of this opinion is based on "true reality" versus my subjective one. True reality being the reality that exists for all though some or most or all may never be able to experience it due to the nature of reality and ones individual life experience inside of spacetime.
My 21st century experience is different from a 19th century of 4th century or 300th century bce experience.
The knowledge I have and what is current and available is only present here and now. The position that I occupy in spacetime is only here and know. Never again will humanity ever be in this part of the galaxy again. Again we are a moving trailer park in space. Ever expanding, ever moving.
So what aspects does one need to know and understand about this reality to allow one a sufficient set of tools for the mind to be able to navigate it?
Who What Where Why When How
Still in my brain since 6th grade.
Analyzing the subjective through the objective lens of reality.
I know I have failings, failings that seem to be consistent versus inconsistent.
So I'm in this weird place in my life.. or at least I think I am..
shit right now I am both exhausted and on the verge of tears perhaps...
but also calm as hell..
that and stoned..
but I digress.
Why does evidence matter in regards to determining the truth of something? I'm trying to determine how evidence gets categorized. What makes some evidence better than other?
If life is a spectrum and everything in that is one as well (spectrum not linear per se). That there is a spectrum to everything in existence. Think of any topic, there will be a spectrum of representation. What the topic of spectrum is, is tbd.
So when the evidence is presented, how does one interpret it? This is the line of thought atm.
Again, chaos theory, evolution, physics and the related sciences that support this all. How does one escape the past which also seems to be our inevitable future? Our past is what guides our future and if violence has brought us this far, how do you reason dna away?
Is this not the exclamation of the enlightened and reasoned? That with education and awareness we will change for the better. All the while the boot of oppression and its vile machinations squeezes the world more for it's pound of flesh. It's hubris of self is on full display in only the most developed parts, its debasement found in the oppression of the poorest/richest. Is the world of humanity not it's own doing? Oppress, extract, and discard.
Death and destruction is all that humanity knows. As our history says so. The Stockholm syndrome that infects so many, the ignorance of the masses, and the monopoly of violence are what keep us here. Your life is but a commodity to be extracted by those who would deny you rights inherent with your humanity. Imagine being told you have no skin in the game and that the game was developed long before you were born and only a few control it. Freedom is an illusion, as is any sense of democracy or liberty for that matter.
Forgot this...
https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/evidence/
Coupled with my already existing apathy, I'm still struggling this day. The past week has been a shit show... mentally that is.
Aside from the already shit show that reality already is, just look at the current state of affairs, irrespective of my own personal shit.
Wars ever present and ever escalating.
Lack of well being in the supposedly greatest country on the planet, it's own clam and not mine.
Housing insecurity, job insecurity, financial insecurity. Inequality for numerous marginalized groups, environmental concerns, this list is not short or unrealistic.
Yet this has been going on for decades, generations and here we are repeating the same old cycles yet again. Which is one of the reasons why I do believe that this reality is nothing but hell. What other reality would take you on highs such as your first experiences to never experience again and yet you chase all your life searching for.
First love
First joys
First accomplishments
a never ending rat race in pursuit of meaning when none is to be had when it's all an illusion. Whether we look at the image directly or the negative space around it...
All this effort and for what...
The never ending cycles.. again and again.. the more they change, the more they remain the same...
and here I am.. not wanting to have these emotional cycles of depression or melancholic moments that either incapacitate me from doing what either I need or want. To be held hostage in a reality of zero choice.
I really don't want to work... I want to sleep forever.
Today's my oldest boy's b day....
Thinking of that day... of Potholder and oatmeal.. and thinking of how I have this bad inclination towards not wanting to remember the joy...there's this history of grief that seems to have muddied the water a bit..
Tho it did prompt me to self reflect about how there's this youthful ignorance about the joy from that day... joy that I can't describe about this child being born and me being a clueless fuckwit. not so much the fuckwit part, but just that joy and wanting more for him - all them... struggling with myself on how to accomplish that still to this day.
If I focus too much on this I will lose myself in sorrow.. self pity? remembering my constant drive for myself and everything else was ancillary. A peripheral for the moment... I do beat myself up on my failings... despite hearing the contrary from them on occasion...
I do find joy in some things, but I feel like I haven't been able to pursue them as of late. The current state of the world has definitely had an impact on my state of being.
----------------
Piggy backing on this post... I have been feeling overwhelmed atm. The spectre of hopelessness has creeped it's toe in the door this past week. I'm struggling with a sense of balance right now in my sanity... while I need to work. I absolutely feel that this reality of reality has me at a crossroads of a sort, a point of interest of sorts may be more like it. Is it that I have developed a sense of resiliency or inner strength to deal with it or that I have learned to deflect, ignore certain aspects of that crushing feeling of having to dance that dance.
I just want to escape from Alcatraz x3
Repeat once
It's twenty twenty-five and I don't wanna be alive
Suicide Prevention has been served detention
Red hats and hatred
Fascist American Gestapo
Jack boots spilling black blood
Capitalist American Freedom
I just want to escape from Alcatraz x3
Trans are being banned
War on distorted conformity.. distorted normality
Humans being hunted in politicized sport
Zionism eating itself and terrorizing the not forgotten
Free Palestine from the yoke of colonial terrorism
Tear free the leash of the dog of the west
Let those people go
I just want to escape from Alcatraz x3
Lard crusted orange booger eating schmuck
Such a shriveled up mushroom dick lame ass fuck
Would probably try for his daughter but no such luck
Now he's just an Epstein's jet looking for a pre-teen suck..
I just want to escape from Alcatraz x3
From this hell, and the only way out is through!
Educate yourself
Strengthen your mind
Exercise your heart
Be all things to help those in need
Be all things to those who oppress
Buster Poindexter aka David Johansen diagnosed w stage 4 cancer...
When your younger and you read about the old stars from before you were born starting to pass due to old age versus being young and reckless hits a bit different from when your know older and see some of the generation before you start passing, or becoming debilitated. The end is what we scream at, the end of their reality but I think it's more so your having to contemplate your own demise. Which really hits hard when you feel like you have gotten to a point in your life where you no longer wish for sweet death to come take you. I may have previously, but for some fucked up reasoning I absolutely don't want to leave till I've had the impact I feel i need to have on others... but that's the thing.. reality don't care what I want... Not a very big NYD fan.. but I do like a handful of their songs and just feeling weird about this.. not sure why.. another human who has been a part, even as small as his, of my life that for some reason is messing with my head.. Sad to hear about it.. sad about this existence... sad about the realities of life..
