Jaded to joy

 Today's my oldest boy's b day....

Thinking of that day... of Potholder and oatmeal.. and thinking of how I have this bad inclination towards not wanting to remember the joy...there's this history of grief that seems to have muddied the water a bit..

Tho it did prompt me to self reflect about how there's this youthful ignorance about the joy from that day... joy that I can't describe about this child being born and me being a clueless fuckwit.  not so much the fuckwit part, but just that joy and wanting more for him - all them... struggling with myself on how to accomplish that still to this day.

If I focus too much on this I will lose myself in sorrow.. self pity? remembering my constant drive for myself and everything else was ancillary.  A peripheral for the moment... I do beat myself up on my failings... despite hearing the contrary from them on occasion...

I do find joy in some things, but I feel like I haven't been able to pursue them as of late. The current state of the world has definitely had an impact on my state of being.

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Piggy backing on this post... I have been feeling overwhelmed atm. The spectre of hopelessness has creeped it's toe in the door this past week. I'm struggling with a sense of balance right now in my sanity... while I need to work. I absolutely feel that this reality of reality has me at a crossroads of a sort, a point of interest of sorts may be more like it. Is it that I have developed a sense of resiliency or inner strength to deal with it or that I have learned to deflect, ignore certain aspects of that crushing feeling of having to dance that dance.