Ambivalence

 Coupled with my already existing apathy, I'm still struggling this day. The past week has been a shit show... mentally that is.

 

Aside from the already shit show that reality already is, just look at the current state of affairs, irrespective of my own personal shit.

Wars ever present and ever escalating.

Lack of well being in the supposedly greatest country on the planet, it's own clam and not mine.

Housing insecurity, job insecurity, financial insecurity. Inequality for numerous marginalized groups, environmental concerns, this list is not short or unrealistic.

Yet this has been going on for decades, generations and here we are repeating the same old cycles yet again. Which is one of the reasons why I do believe that this reality is nothing but hell. What other reality would take you on highs such as your first experiences to never experience again and yet you chase all your life searching for.

First love

First joys

First accomplishments

a never ending rat race in pursuit of meaning when none is to be had when it's all an illusion. Whether we look at the image directly or the negative space around it...

All this effort and for what...

The never ending cycles.. again and again.. the more they change, the more they remain the same...

and here I am.. not wanting to have these emotional cycles of depression or melancholic moments that either incapacitate me from doing what either I need or want. To be held hostage in a reality of zero choice.

 

I really don't want to work... I want to sleep forever.