my mental health again...

 so in my hypocritical examination of myself.. I hear myself ranting at myself... what are you doing.

which for the most part I ignore.. I look at things (my thoughts/desires/internal feelings).. and go I don't know what I want to do..

but here I am writing about this experience.. wondering.. what the fuck do I want to do.. as I know full well my audhd is gonna fuck me up.. but to which i also counter who's stopping you but yourself.

this is me..

 

and I wonder why I do this.. honestly I care but not enough.. I'm lazy. I really just want to go live by the beach and do jack shit, but I know I would get bored with that.. so then what.. do i just keep looking at my dirty room and act like it's not.. just continue to ignore it day after day.. this is life.. 

we see the problem but instead of dealing with it (because we make excuses about how to address it or where to start) we just ignore.. and work around it..

we "cope" with the anxiety by doing everything but what is actually going to solve it.. because we know that the problem will come back up... again.. to which we don't want to deal with it.. again.. and again.. because then it becomes a full time endeavor of always focusing on the work and not play..

I would rather be entertained vs educating myself and dealing with it.. doing the work.. but i question that to a point.. that is are this thoughts accurate.. original.. authentic or are they a conglomeration of indoctrinated talking points I have distilled down to have this view point?

 3 days in a row.. a headache.. I wonder.. what the fuck... about it all about myself about what I think about what I know about what i should or shouldn't do. I wonder.. how much longer am I just going to stay here in this bubble of fear.. uncertainty.. and doubt.