optimistically a realist

So for some weird reason (perhaps the T Day cooking high), I have this weird bit of optimism. Normally this would be grounds for concern, though this time I think I'll just embrace it.

I have some high hopes going forward, and in fact feeling maybe a bit more confidant in some choices and goals for next year. Definitely gonna be busy, and hope to get the ball rolling. I have more than enough notes and material to get the ball rolling. Actually it's almost comical in some respects.. or so I think, at just how much material I do have to use.

5 yrs, and while part of me will miss here, more seems to be laughing at this while absurdity of it all. Yeah for fam but ugh at same time. Not my monkeys.. not my circus.. but it takes a village.

The idea of having just a conversation with myself...

I'm the moron.. and I view others just the same, my mental issues make me struggle with others.. etc.. 

illusions and misdirections

 I think about the way I think about...

I question the drive, the purpose behind it and it all..

an unexamined life is not worth living..

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_unexamined_life_is_not_worth_living

yellowstone

As one who wonders at the human experience constantly...

I'm struck in the notion of meaning.. the things we giving meaning and to what degree.. 

Especially considering everything and it's impermanence..

Does meaning in things provide meaning in self?

Or is it the pursuit of it?

I have a hard time with the things that seem beyond reproach or things "you don't question"... Things that trap us because of tradition... 

We are trapped enough as it is, wether via geography or ethnically or nationally or number of others...

pleasures

It's not that I avoid the pleasures of life, cuz god (tic) knows I've embraced them with a fools glee more often than not, now it's just to avoid the consequences afterwards.

It's not that I deny myself pleasure but I think in some ways, maybe, I have discerned that there are some pleasures better than others.

The moment being one.

Tongue in cheek 

violencia

Is violence required for peace, that is, is violence a precursor for peace.

I was thinking about something I had read that talked about how it was possible for art and philosophy to come to fruition in ancient Greece was when the society had reached a specific level of stability and governance. Which got me to thinking that in order to maintain that one would have to exhert a certain level of violence.

Reminds me of the DRI song Violent Pacification.

exploitation

You are being oppressed & exploited and in your ignorance celebrate it as freedom

You oppress & exploit and in your ignorance call it freedom

You have been brain washed to accept the oppression and exploitation as a freedom, when it is anything but.

old

4:30

@elrealunder

Old n tired atm

Slightly disappointed in music playlist tonight, but once again had great conversations.

art = resistance

If there is one thing I took from my trip to the art museum today is that art is many things, one of which is resistance to the systems that exploit.

Aside from capturing beauty and the moment, it captures the absurd, the abstract, and the future.

travel

For a split second last night as I woke between bathroom calls.. felt homesick of a sort.. which I think is more or less the notion of feeling vulnerable and broke as fuck.. the alcohol induced reflection is my guess..

cdmx

Love coming here, and even with rose colored tourist shades on I can still see that the grass is the same on this side of the fence... Never the less, if I had the opportunity I would make this a perm/semi-perm destination.

But that would require a specific set of requirements to make it so.

On a roll

 So here we are with a circus of thoughts today..

A proverbial clown car in many respects..

 

One's purpose... The futility in most things.. I would say the futility is in most things that deal with the base and carnal pursuits that manifest the worst in us. The never ending pursuits, greed, envy, malice, the never ending pursuit to murder or main anything that prevents one from obtaining what I would consider the purest forms of evil, a total lack of empathy or concern for anyone/thing. Only the self and its twisted perceptions either through nature or nurture demanding that everything else submit to it.

If I am to be in this thought, of reality being a simulation of sorts then all have a destiny, a purpose for being. Whether to be the example or learn for the example is determined before, but to escape the illusions or even to have this idea that it could even be possible is a feat of its own.

Humanity runs from the reality of being, that is, questioning this existence in and outside of oneself, in every conceivable way, even if some of us are incapable of conceiving such ways. Now while there are a minority who make attempts to do as such, we still balk at some of the most absurd of possibilities (see history of science) and in some occasions, even if it's years later, eventually come around to accepting some of them.

It is up to oneself to self awake, but that is missing one of the most obvious's of obvious's. Not all will have the opportunities, let alone experiences or privileges to allow this to happen. If you use the analogy of the mind akin to being a garden, examine all that is needed to cultivate a successful bounty. Then one should also realize what is actually needed or required to do so. From the quality of soil, nutrients, favorable weather, etc., not only having a bountiful harvest but being able to continue such without depleting  the natural resources required to do so. Such as there are seasons one must take this approach to life. We don't need to be as productive as we are. We can play more, be more, experience more, if only we were honest enough with ourselves and this reality we share. If humanity only controlled itself the way it attempts to control everything else, maybe, just maybe we could have a more ideal existence for all.

Shame?

 So what I thought was an error that could bite me in the ass on this upcoming Mexico trip was my first name having a misspelling, this incident made me realize that I'm such a coconut.

Calling Aeromexico and giving them my identifying information one of which was my last name which is of Hispanic origins. I typically have a "white pronunciation" when I say it. Though depending on the ethnic company, usually whitewashed or other mixto types that have fully been indoctrinated to US culture, is when I will make attempts at the correct pronunciation. Nothing quite like a reminder as to your lack of knowledge about "the language of your people" from those who are fluent questioning your obvious inability to know how it should be pronounced, especially ones name.

infringing

Maybe is this bowl but if the constitution tells us what our inalienable rights are.. Life, Liberty, & the pursuit of Happiness. Then why the fuck are we letting a minority few, wether you call them the bourgeois, the upper class, or whatever term used to describe those that exploit and oppress all these rights. This is what has happened since these were declared.

- Christian ideals on love, ect.

Whatever rhetoric was common at the time around the Constitution still neglected others and continues to do so not only in our country but throughout the world. Through hegemony and military might via propaganda in all aspects of the patriarchal culture that as dominated as well.

These rights are an illusion to keep the masses unaware of the vile darkness that rules.

evovled thought

 So as I continue down this road of teaching myself, educating myself, reading up on those who have made observations that I am now just coming to, am once again realizing that there really is nothing new under the sun. Sure it gets rebranded or repackaged for the modern ear, but the struggle for humanity and the world we live in, to live as one should be able to choose, is as old as time.

Currently on a Howard Zinn rabbit trail, anarchism, Pentagon papers, and whatever else tickles my fancy that I come across this expedition.

History is written by the conquerors.

The reality is most people in the Western world, or any capitalist society, have been fed a bullshit since birth. Though this seems to be the case throughout history, now though I wonder about things that pop in my head as a result of reading, things of Enlightenment and what is needed for one to "wake up".

Education, experience, these two go hand in hand. Removing oneself from the bubble they have been raised in and then continue in life as that is all they know of. The pain and struggles of life that teach us either to reach out or recede further in to the back of the cave. (Plato)

 I find myself asking these questions time and again... what is MY reason for existence? Echoing those Subhuman lyrics like a mantra of sorts, chastising, myself for my own inadequacies and lack of discipline to accomplish specific tasks or endeavors that I may view as declaring my humanity. Often reluctant to do so from this imposter syndrome that seems to plague me. Lofty ideals of being and influence to others when I can barely keep my own shit together and struggle with advancing or strengthening my ideals in a specific manner. Typically I confuse or conflate scenarios or the like either based on some fanciful notions or grandiose beliefs that they'll have some sort of beneficial impact.. again this ego that likes to get in the way of wanting something pure and true. What exactly are those things? Am I capable of creating something as such? I have this nagging feeling that once again I presenting with a paradox or another of life's illusions that grabs humanity in a most forceful and violent way of wanting to establish an absolute on an idea.

 

 

ignorance

Your ignorance is required for this hell scape we call modern society to continue...

Your ignorance of your self.. of your humanity and it's history..

Your ignorance of the requirements of capitalism to keep you a functioning cog of this dysfunctionality...

To always be consuming without question... The powers that control it all gaslight you into being cheerleaders for your own death squads.. 

Observation

 I feel chipper and sociable after doing house chores...

Like really in a good mood mood...

mental note... hmmmm

paradoxical illusions cont..

 so I'm thinking here.. or attempting to.

Is it maybe that this really is hell..

that is look at how fucked up humanity is.. on the whole we are pretty fucked up, and I think it has to do with the fact that we are just incapable of really figuring shit out.. we get to this point or some do in life where they become sufficiently self and world aware. only to realize that they really aren't.

We delude ourselves and write things off as well that's it.. that is how things are so what is there to do about it...

Taking aside all the fucked up shit about christianity.. there does seem to be a bit of theme in the sense of how people do fucked up shit - ignoring the bollocks about sin, deities are contrived dog shit ingrained in our dna unfortunately.

The notion that we are more than liars, murders, & thieves... well not all.. but not the least.

We are constantly in a state of ignorance.. as the knowledge and habits needed don't seem to be a resource in demand nor supply.

zero tolerance

 I have zero tolerance or what I believe are some things that are bullshit. Things that allow one to be taken in by one's emotions versus logic.

Now that's not to say I'm probably a bit susceptible to a few things that may be counter productive - inherent biases. How I gravitate to my own acceptable reality. Through science and history and philosophy (or my limited knowledge of those things).

Religious beliefs

Spirituality type shit 

Horoscopes

Ect..

Stuff in opposition to critical thinking...

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK TEXAS!

 I fucking hate Texas... I hate most of the South... but Texas especially.

I know hate is a strong word but that is how I feel, I hate the personality of fakery that is prevalent in the stereotype of the redneck hillbilly southerner too dumb to think for themselves.

I know there is some issue with this, I am aware of biases and the like, and I understand that not all fit that, but much like G Carlin, I take people individually and not so much in groups.

Fuck...with light of the current election here in the US my plans for Oregon are looking to shift to Texas... I fucking HATE HATE HATE that state.. ain't nothing good about the political climate in Tx.

The more I read about history the more I read about psychology and biology and sociology and the fuckery of politics throughout history.. FFFUUUUCCCCKKKK!

My reasons not being purely emotional, and getting confirmation from someone outside myself sure fucking helped. Thanks Pop!

Covering all my bases as much as I possibly can...

my mental health again...

 so in my hypocritical examination of myself.. I hear myself ranting at myself... what are you doing.

which for the most part I ignore.. I look at things (my thoughts/desires/internal feelings).. and go I don't know what I want to do..

but here I am writing about this experience.. wondering.. what the fuck do I want to do.. as I know full well my audhd is gonna fuck me up.. but to which i also counter who's stopping you but yourself.

this is me..

 

and I wonder why I do this.. honestly I care but not enough.. I'm lazy. I really just want to go live by the beach and do jack shit, but I know I would get bored with that.. so then what.. do i just keep looking at my dirty room and act like it's not.. just continue to ignore it day after day.. this is life.. 

we see the problem but instead of dealing with it (because we make excuses about how to address it or where to start) we just ignore.. and work around it..

we "cope" with the anxiety by doing everything but what is actually going to solve it.. because we know that the problem will come back up... again.. to which we don't want to deal with it.. again.. and again.. because then it becomes a full time endeavor of always focusing on the work and not play..

I would rather be entertained vs educating myself and dealing with it.. doing the work.. but i question that to a point.. that is are this thoughts accurate.. original.. authentic or are they a conglomeration of indoctrinated talking points I have distilled down to have this view point?

 3 days in a row.. a headache.. I wonder.. what the fuck... about it all about myself about what I think about what I know about what i should or shouldn't do. I wonder.. how much longer am I just going to stay here in this bubble of fear.. uncertainty.. and doubt.

 

truth

You are a moron, that is why your jobs sucks.

You are a moron, that is why you struggle with your relationships.

You are a moron, which is why you find this offensive.

Actual truth (nts*) will offend, will explain, and will give you tools to live and thrive. Actual truth is an illusion and a paradox.

But to say that it is one thing about all or any of this is just part of the larger picture. Life has no easy one answers, it is messy, it is convoluted, it is chaos. 

I think this is one of the problems that I have with logic in certain ways. The absolutes in logic and specifically the laws of logic that define it, seem like a bit of a trap, or an illusion, or a paradox at times. Pure logic or pure knowledge is never ending and just one side of a spectrum of things in this reality.

Being stuck in ones head... Is nothing but an echo chamber, it is the cave we keep ourselves locked up in by choice, thinking we are enslaved or are drowning.

gobsmacked

And imagine the insane being gobsmacked at their insanity

Imagine the ignorant being bewildered at their ignorance 

Imagine the hypocrites being aghast at the hypocrisy 

.

driven by chaos

Watching anime

Thinking on the days events and what is happening here in the US.

Feel a bit better now than I did earlier. For some reason Im still feeling from the lack of funds revelation the other day 

Albóndigas turned out good, cookies tomorrow.

But reflecting on my all over the board emotions of late, concerned about this spectre of terror looming here in the US.. gop looks like they have full control.. we will be doomed. Things are already shitty here..

I'm trying to ... Try.. and this has me tired, exhausted, and constantly feeling defeated. I know what I would like to do... Work wise.. refurb furniture of a sort.. fun stuff.. wired.. powered . Colorful.. and not..

But I get a feeling of chaos heading out way unlike anything we've seen for a bit

.

The Cure

 watching the Troxy show..

reminded me of how little I have left if anything from my youth during those formative ten years around music and especially them..

having a bad day.. very depressed and not wanting to be.. well mostly earlier.. now I'm just meh.. let's see how tomorrow goes..