my fucking hips told me to stop..

Industrial night is the truck with 3 squares.. Tesla bar..

I get to live my unconscious heroes... I call the that because in all honesty because I think major ones would call for the search for truth and wisdom being of import.. but reality must be instructed in a personal way that builds upon developing what reality via the tools of science..

been working on this for a bit...

So I've had bits and pieces of this in my head for some time now... As my previous notes/posts may indicate.. I think I have a good summary here finally.

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We are governed by psychopaths and sycophants who have bamboozled, hornswoggled, and hoodwinked us for generations. Promising change if you just elect them, and any time red or blue has been elected either nothing happens or it gets worse. All the while those with the true power, those who pull the strings of these elected officials, the corporate puppet masters, have flocked, fleeced, and fucked us to the point of starvation and death.

Laws are there to govern the masses and protect their property, any benefit you might get is ancillary. They pay a fine, you do time.

Human greed is a cancer killing us and killing this planet. Capitalism serves none but these monsters of humanity.

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I need to write some more... But additionally I have some more reading I think I need to do.

This was done laying in bed having just finished my post wake up doom scroll...

any vote

Any vote..

Be it red or be it blue

Is yet another vote for genocide

Not just for Palestine

But for us all..

How are you/we not repeating the same thing over again and it not be insanity.

media.. news

So am at this point in noticing that I'm trying to find an alternative to doom scrolling news sites or other social media... My brain isn't in a reading mood at the moment and honestly I think I need to write more.. which is part of the issue.. switching gears..

That said.. this is nothing new.. my observation that is.. news is garbage.. straight up garbage.. it is the LCD of infotainment... Granted some are algae eaters.. or carrion scavengers.. or shit eaters..

Rare is the news outlet that hammers home the reality of the exploitation that occurs hand in glove with govs & corporations.. for one is owned by the other. 

snoopy worships the Old Ones

There's a song called Snoopy vs the Red Baron by the Guardsmen

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wtJ1Gnh9wPU

My twisted take is this... So Snoopy needed to consult the Great Pumpkin in order to be victorious. This leads me to believe that Snoopy is bound by blood oath for this to be successful. Seriously a dog vs a WWI biplane pilot that was apparently the terror of the skies. That dog is a servant of the Old Ones. The Great Pumpkin screams "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn."

science has all the answers...

For now....

This is A. A great joke and B. One that could use a bit of explaining.

Education keeps you aware of the reality as currently can be explained by the current available evidence as it's been peer reviewed or subjected to the trash bin if other failed human ideas and or the junk drawer to be brought on occasion to no significant use longer than needed before going back in the drawer..

Science is ever changing based on new evidence.. hence.. "for now".

no news

Reading the news cycles...

Slow news day as it seems the no news is now news.

I'm not..

I'm not Jesus.. da Vinci.. le bron.. woods... Einstein.. Caesar . Sócrates.. morimoto.. Hiawatha... 

I'm not Gandhi.. or tutu or anyone else but myself...

I'm an imperfect being doing imperfect things..

But we as a species have this impression of things needing to be perfect in order for us to accept them. Material and immaterial...

We crave heroes as we are not... Look all around.. our entertainment heroes are everywhere... And to some extent we accept them by blocking out the bits of discomfort with irrationality.. instead of changing our perspective to accept them..that requires us to be fully thinking entities.. instead of reactionary gremlins of the capitalist wasteland.

This is also a rant at myself for my inability to accept change.. differences.. no one is immune.. 

Not sure if the 5htp or other supplements are doing what they need to but it seems as if they are. Also is it writing... The thing I have been haphazardly doing in my spare time for decades now... Words just seem to come out.. like a sort of mental block has been removed...

paradoxical truths

So I've been on a bit of a inspirational surge of activity...

Now while I do make it an occasional habit to document my moments here and there.. I do not do a daily archive of events..

Did my shit smell more than yesterday? I picked a massive booger out my nose.. more hairs plucked from the ears... Nose.. misc new place..

Seriously weed calms me the fuck down...

Now I do like to post insights and good/bad news..

For a bit now I have been hung up for lack of a better phrase, but hung up is not something I should get worked up about.. if I'm at an impasse or things seem stagnant.. remember seasons.. everything in time.. cycles are real and creativity doesn't happen all at once... So while this is occurring I really want to make the most of it..

My contemplating the ALL as of late has been around the hung up notion I am in at the moment.. life/reality is a simulation.. and by viewing it as such it does allow me to disassociatiate from reality from time to time or at any prescribed moment that I haven't surrendered to my emotions... Sort of the notion that I mix up spectrum thought, that is polar opposites as in the two examples of an extreme and paradoxes.. jumbo shrimp, military intelligence.. etc.

Paradox, something that shouldn't be but is.  Life is filled with them.. go Google that shit.

Especially when you try to remember how you may have felt on a particular issue but have since done a full 180 turn about on it. Going from ignorant to less ignorant.  Though here is something that I'd like to expand on just a smidge. I fully believe that we are 10000000000% dumber than a box of rocks. Case in point and this may just be waaay to simplistic. However the default position is zero correct? Philosophical speaking. That is unless proof is provided for a claim the default position is to assume it is not so.. zero, nada, nothing.. not making up reasons.

So if the evidence to date from science provides the best picture of current reality, by default we are just evolutionary self learning machines, that encodes and stores core events in ones life that gets passed on to the next generation. Now some of these have become hardwired into subsection in the brain as instinctive traits, habits that become or or less prevalent over ones lifetime through the various physiological stages one goes thru as a human up to date. The paradox of thought.. of consciousness... To be able to think but not.. to imagine a reality so true that others mock your insanity for embracing it.. the way humans align and faction themselves... That the faulty nature in ignorantly commiting to a belief structure that requires more than a high school education in a small town in mid America with a population dictated by churches and an over glorification of sports. 

So, without going totally off the rails. I firmly believe that with what I have gone through and what I have read and fully have to believe what I say..

There are thousands of years of recorded history and your dumb ass can barely get past 18 years... You dumb as fuck. Educate yourself.. one one is going to save you but yourself. The Ancient Greeks had the same fucking problems... Learn how language matters and the words that you use matter and the way they are arranged matter and that if you don't know the rules of the game you will be played... As you are now by everyone who owns a part of the game.. and unless you don't have to work.. you owned.

It doesn't have to be this way... A bit of my opinionated summary to a history book I recently read that was a new view of how human society has evolved based on multi disciplines knowledge to date. The Dawn of Everything thing.

Case in point.. reading one book that essentially game me a readers digest version of what the knowledge is to date.. again.. multi discipline... Years and years to get an entry level admissions ticket to begin to say I have a decent idea of the place, but let's go explore those ideas. Why do we have this ability to develope ideas in to practical tools??  That's some amazing fucking shit.. surface level.. sooo much we take granted.. we over look the day to day and mundane.. which is why you can use them as a means to meditate... 

Example.. organizing ones thoughts... I do this quite a bit.. and it's something that like to use again and again..  it's a genetic dna thing..

Copy.. cheat.. steal.. procure.. obtain.. apprehend.. covertly borrow on a semi permanent basis.. sail the high seas...

So if I struggle with something.. I want to know enough.. whatever amount of data my brain seems to crave at any given period of time.. if it's a new task I look for things on how to.. depending what the task at hand is... Knowledge is power... Just I can't seem to generate enough to pay the bills.. my thing with art is using what I know... Granted it's for who I am at any given time...

Balance is a paradox in the process that is more about ebb and flow.. or perhaps it's my viewpoint.. as far as I envision it... To me.. balance in an Eastern philosophy perspective about balance evokes a light/dark, ying/yang ☯️ elements, withe cycles being a dominant topic in many of historical writings within mainstream contemporary writings as well. It's a part of the culture. Also noting that it's not just limited to Eastern cultures, it appears to me that once monotheistic preferences became predominant that it was of the adolescent budding of human hubris took effect and those of the Old Ways had their beliefs stopped out. Cycles also being an inseparable belief as well.

mit

This moment in time is unique, there will never be another.. these series of events will be unique in order for a lesson to be learned from or not...

This moment is gone...

I left the house without my glasses 🤓

Seriously... What I was in a rush once that panic notification went off I was expecting a bit more time.. ran out without my glasses..

Veerrryy unlike me..

seriously.. seriously?!?!

Day 3 of having the ganj again.. absolute realization and panic stiken in the same post... Realization that weed is the catalyst for my creativity.. it help slow my brain down... I can hyper hyper focus on shit now.. 2 projects in one week.. unheard of productivity...  Off to solidarity event.. #freepalestine

dare say giddy

Are we on an upswing....

So struggling (read not doing) therapy exercises.. aside from vits... Though the concepts are there at the forefront of things.. not gonna lie.. feeling stressed as hell atm...  So it's a bit o struggle but not unbearable levels like before.. I've been very creative as of late...

Feeling good at the end of the day... Which is better than b 4... 

Have the book that I've been wanting to do finally going..  and an art project... I hope the TVs are still there...

weed

Lol .. I started this to make an anecdotal about this... Being away for 30 days being moderately sober.. but realized how through the roof my anxiety was... Having now smoked for the past few days I'm very aware at how they have dropped and my creativity juices are flowing again... My brain is super slowed at the moment.. I can get distracted but I feel like I can focus on something if I need to.. like this paragraph right now.

My belief that says this is the med I need to maintain my sanity... My creativity... My ability to focus on the writing aspect... I have an outline.. mostly.. need 2 more topics for chapters and I'll be able to get cracking.. but I'm not slacking in fleshing/note adding to those identified chapter topics... I'm gonna transfer this list to a spreadsheet and add references and topic chapter notes as I come across.. chapter format will be.. introducing the basics, the importance of knowledge and the varied ways of how it's been passed down through the ages... Introducing the other chapter topics concepts... showing the spectrum reality concepts... Evolutionary biology... History and origins of topics.. explaining the life is a garden concepts... Using many examples and varies explanations for the topics and reinforcing the topics and how they intersects... Showing how things are interconnected.. explaining in known topics, hobbies, and other shared experiences... Historical, science based, philosophy influenced, basic building blocks to have better understanding...

And this is why I like weed... I get that it's the critical moments in life that we have a tendency to learn from.. and I'm also at that point where I do need to write pretty much everything down... 

I have it mapped... This does feel like another moment.. another moment that seems to say this is the one... After all the other outlet attempts... This seems to be the one..  I've been making embryonic attempts at so many things... And been trying to figure out things about my life... Pointing to things that I know about.. and using all these easy to find references...

This is exciting actually... To be able to stay focused know...  I have a contented feel that this is the one... I can self publish this...

Understanding that the narrow indeed attempt to have certainty in our lives has to be viewed through a clear and polished lens on this reality we share. It means being honest and doing the work that is needed to do this means that we have to be willing to look at and reevaluate what we think is truth. As truth needs to be able to withstand scrutiny. Truth should be self evident. How does one know? Truth expects to be questioned. Truths demands validation.

Truth is or is not. There is no in-between... Logic 101.

my anxiety to connect

So it's almost a month in being here in FL.. it's my bday and I'm doing my usual scan headlines across my typical news sources.

Reading an article in The Guardian 

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/aug/07/a-moment-that-changed-me-i-quit-my-phd-and-left-my-severe-impostor-syndrome-behind

Got me to thinking about my own struggles as of late, wether it's the depression, or ADHD or OCD or a host of other mental issues that is struggle to recognize and or identify properly... When the line about avoiding a social mixer caught my eye and had me wondering about all these times I've said no to or even better said no at the last minute even if I had planned it.

The imposter syndrome over all is a big one, having only become aware of the term and it's meaning in the past few years. I find myself becoming more obsessed with definitions and analysis on myself (know thyself), that it at times seems I am incapable of completing the tasks I need to. Which at times has me wondering is this making it worse? Is my knowledge about it in these defined parameters providing an excuse - having a bad day, chalk it up to my mental illness. I'm mean sure yeah but conversely do I subconsciously use it as a means of escape or to further self sabotage. Adaptation of a sort.

This small powerful voice inside that continuously scream to not give up... And has I begin to ask why, I question that why. What is it that makes it this way with me? This not wanting to bother, in some ways I think I understand but ultimately I feel I should not rest on such assumptions. As if I am a being of evolution and just one of billions upon billions upon billions of evolved cells. That does seem to scream something beyond my comprehension. My limited knowledge coupled with the limited available knowledge just points back to my sheer and total complete ignorance of everything thing. As the "most evolved species" on the planet only we put meaning into things and of what we observe.

sourdough starter

So the wiki article on recursion is using sourdough starter as an example...

Now while I get the analogy.. one could always make a starter from scratch but even that process requires you to remove and add in that process..

Brain itchy

frustrations

What is that triggers this frustration feeling when I attempt to educate myself regarding recursion?

I want to add anything else math related to that as well...

This cascading feeling of discomfort and what feels like a wall being assembled in record time...

Is it the lack of related knowledge to the subject...

As there are a myriad of other topics that are readily available to myself that I can think upon that generally don't bring discomfort... Is it always that of the unknown.. the difficulty in addressing these things in my realm of ignorance.