it's really difficult going on day after day... unable to find work in any capacity.. in any fashion...
and i wonder how much of it is my conditioning.. the whole picture..
granted I can pin point a majority of if i use the Sapolsky video I watched the other day...
looking at my situation.. feeling stuck.. feeling helpless.. feeling powerless... wanting to do more but that's just the rub right now.. I don't have these things (skills to overcome) I need to develop.. and I think that's the hang up I'm trying to get over... this wanting to read... to study.. to improve.. but the depression cycle is just not letting me focus.. and I'm feeling mixed at the moment... somewhat optimistic while trying to beat back this wave of pessimism that is trying to paint this morbid picture of reality... one that I am way to familiar with..
and listening to clan of xymox again is nice... it's been awhile...
i don't feel the despair that I have in the past.. I do feel lonely and sad from time to time and would like some companionship.. but I also feel like maybe that is not for me.. not everyone gets what the world offers.. not every scenario that is presented to us in whatever "normal fashion" is something that everyone gets..
I need to get out when I get back.. museums.. explore.. etc...
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