here we are again...

 no job

no prospects

feeling absolutely defeated

Wishing upon a star

and wanting companionship that is meaningful

The drive to do something meaningful is all but nonexistent at the moment, with no shortage of things to do on my plate. Self interest projects, household chores, exploration of this city. I don't want to do a thing at the moment, and don't want to delve into the cycle of self sabotage or self soothing via old behaviors of numbing myself to activities that while are more or less benign do nothing for me in the long run. They don't help.

The plethora of free time has me wallowing in this miasma of ambiguity dining on hors d'ourves of self loathing. I find my stomach guiding me to self comfort and an ever expanding waistline yet again. This circus of self destruction and I know I can, but I find myself not wanting to but hesitating even on the simplistic of actions to break free. The illusion of free will which I hold to, yet even in my "enlightened" approach question still. Is it the self that holds me back or the machinations of the universe? I want to say the universe, but that for some reason has me feeling uneasy and suggests that I'm not responsible, but then again why do I feel this need for self responsibility? Self accountability? Forever the victim to the whims of the world? I can only hold these things in my own power, of my own self, to task. Yet what of my emotional states, when I have no drive or passion or desires from one day to the next? I may want to, I may have a plan of activities or tasks but say "tomorrow or now I don't feel this way". This idea of being held hostage to physiological processes of my being. We are not as in control as we think we are, and then begins the mental flagellation of the self as to why can I not accomplish these tasks. I would devour a meal from Potholder at this very moment, in fact I can think of half of that menu and would want to consume it all. Not from the act of gluttony, though it would appear as such, but from knowing how satisfied I would feel from it. The pleasure of eating and feeling filled, the basest of all addictions. \

I'm hungry.. but I know I need to get on track, but for what and why. What do I have these ideals in my mind and why am I driven towards them and fight them at the same time. The effort and the struggle to do so. 

As I reread the beginning of this, my thoughts are to those in the world who have no comforts at all and are living a nightmare, hearing of those that would rather die than live. Knowing that I have a sense of stability but can't see that reality of my own. Preconceptions and false perceptions... I have some studying to do.. I have to kick my own ass into gear.. I have things I want to do and sitting and waiting will not make them appear.. I must fight my own wars and the war of the self is the toughest of all.