adhedonia

One moment I'm immersed in videos of cats and then the atrocity exhibition of a people who once were the exhibition to now see them being the perpetrators.

My brain is jello atm

crazy dream

Back in OC driving the 405 heading to seal beach like area... Job placement agency and I was held hostage by Indian recruiters and had to fight my way out. Seeing all the rest of the drones trapped in 80s styles like a dystopian Terry Gilliam movie maws agaped at my rebellion. A nerd drone making copies of d&d materials to load back up in their 4 door budget sedan bedazzled in sci Fi nerd regalia adorned on their back windshield. Droves of yuppie looking geled out dudes & dude totes bewildered at my repulsion of their shitty behavior as if I was the alien. 

Weird clone cars ... For some reason I had 2 red Xb's... And I was unsuccessful in getting them to merge back into one.

I feel trapped... This reality really is something of a mind fuck. The saccharine ballet of what is that is demanded of the populous. This hellscape of a reality that is foisted upon us all.. we are trapped not only in the illusion of reality but the systems we enact. With systems for the masses and something completely different for those who govern us. The lackeys of reality who subjugate us... Our mental being tied to these phantom notions of being and self so fragile.. so tenuous... That the mere breeze disrupts our well being. Nirvana truly is in getting rid of ones identity.

These tethers we place upon ourselves, the mental bondage one wraps themselves in, is the illusion of being, of identity.

analogies

 Comparing capitalism and it detriments...

Using garden or recipes or the body..

all have specific requirements to achieve desired results.

Garden require specific amounts of water, sunlight, nutrients, etc.

Same goes for recipes or other similar

As does the body, the organs, etc.. they all get what is needed to grow and thrive. When you omit or alter the requirements you fundamentally jeopardize it's outcome. 

Capitalism by nature is violent and exploitative, as it has no inherent ethics or morals and achieving maximum profits is a feature and not a bug. 

 

what made me happy makes me sad

Reading about the deathw of Louis Gossett jr today and thinking of the handful of movies I have seen him in and the stories mentioned of his his experiences with racism felt sad and inspiring. Prompting me to revisit some of what I've seen and to also watch what I haven't. Afterwards I was obviously feeling a bit more attached than I had realized and was trying to think of things that would cheer me up but even those things tend to make sad. Simple happy songs have turned into memories of sadness from the time now gone.

But why do I become sad .. why is it an emotional response?? Is it in my control... Cognitive...control.. reminds me of that movie I watched yesterday.. Pygmalion from 1938... The lead male character was a no feeling pompous ass... But c'est la vie all for the sake of story telling 

here we are again...

 no job

no prospects

feeling absolutely defeated

Wishing upon a star

and wanting companionship that is meaningful

The drive to do something meaningful is all but nonexistent at the moment, with no shortage of things to do on my plate. Self interest projects, household chores, exploration of this city. I don't want to do a thing at the moment, and don't want to delve into the cycle of self sabotage or self soothing via old behaviors of numbing myself to activities that while are more or less benign do nothing for me in the long run. They don't help.

The plethora of free time has me wallowing in this miasma of ambiguity dining on hors d'ourves of self loathing. I find my stomach guiding me to self comfort and an ever expanding waistline yet again. This circus of self destruction and I know I can, but I find myself not wanting to but hesitating even on the simplistic of actions to break free. The illusion of free will which I hold to, yet even in my "enlightened" approach question still. Is it the self that holds me back or the machinations of the universe? I want to say the universe, but that for some reason has me feeling uneasy and suggests that I'm not responsible, but then again why do I feel this need for self responsibility? Self accountability? Forever the victim to the whims of the world? I can only hold these things in my own power, of my own self, to task. Yet what of my emotional states, when I have no drive or passion or desires from one day to the next? I may want to, I may have a plan of activities or tasks but say "tomorrow or now I don't feel this way". This idea of being held hostage to physiological processes of my being. We are not as in control as we think we are, and then begins the mental flagellation of the self as to why can I not accomplish these tasks. I would devour a meal from Potholder at this very moment, in fact I can think of half of that menu and would want to consume it all. Not from the act of gluttony, though it would appear as such, but from knowing how satisfied I would feel from it. The pleasure of eating and feeling filled, the basest of all addictions. \

I'm hungry.. but I know I need to get on track, but for what and why. What do I have these ideals in my mind and why am I driven towards them and fight them at the same time. The effort and the struggle to do so. 

As I reread the beginning of this, my thoughts are to those in the world who have no comforts at all and are living a nightmare, hearing of those that would rather die than live. Knowing that I have a sense of stability but can't see that reality of my own. Preconceptions and false perceptions... I have some studying to do.. I have to kick my own ass into gear.. I have things I want to do and sitting and waiting will not make them appear.. I must fight my own wars and the war of the self is the toughest of all.

a few words

 I've been struggling since forever to find the magic phrase, that one set of words that would get whoever read them to pause and think. To go search out their own journey of self discovery and what this world has to offer, but I'm realizing that that is an impossibility. I do believe there are some things in this world that are impossible, but only in so far as what the universe unfolds or presents to us, how we are wired, and what we individually do to seek that out. Do we take the time to educate ourselves about new ideas? Do we revisit what we think we know to see if it holds true? Do we leave our locale to find others who challenge our belief structures? Yet the words.. know thyself, have been imprinted on me since I've sought to find myself.

Even know I'm done writing this... my brain has been emptied or I should say the synaptic pathways are no longer wanting to produce the wanted efforts..

the conflict of self

I want to be healthy, and safe. I want the same for others, but what do you do when others don't want the same. When others are obsessed with greed and hate. How do I preserve my humanity while fighting this?

How do you save those beyond saving? Those poisoned by ideologies of exclusion, by fascism, by polarizing beliefs that one group of people is above all others?

I'm told love is the answer, but what if that is not enough. When words have been exhausted, when they fail generation after generation? Or is this a skewed view and not addressing the systems that allow for inequalities to prevail? The love of money is the root of all evil. Greed poisons the well for all but a few and the power structures built to control these systems that preserve them.

Highly charged rhetoric, that of wanting to label cancerous ideas and is it beneficial to see that there are people that should be labeled as as such.. 

México

Absolutely gobsmacked at yet another out of country experience that has left me not wanting to leave. Though knowing full well this was a fun trip and not a day to day reality but that said would come back here in a heartbeat. I can see why my Dad attempted to retire here.

I think back on my childhood experiences of Baja Norte and even later, but experiencing Ciudad de México was more than I thought it would be. So much to see and barely, barley scratched the surface. Te amo México.

capitalism brings freedom

Don't worry about today or tomorrow

For capitalism brings freedom

Freedom from thought

Freedom from choice

Freedom from humanity

Freedom from ethics

Freedom from responsibility

Freedom from self

Freedom from doing the right thing

The capitalism made me do it are the words of the 1%

and the brain goes on

Thinking of old bearded fucks in togas getting me to think..

Asking me if I know myself

Asking if the shadows on the wall are a true representation of reality

Asking what is reality

What is love

What is justice

What is meaning

What is to do right

Knowing full well my list of transgressions

My lack of measuring up

But I see these so called leaders and their lack of humanity on full display in accomplices to genocide

Authorizing the sale of genocide to fascist zionist colonizers... My questions for humanity are many. At what point does one lose their humanity? Is it with the theft of another's? The violence whether physically or financially or mentally? Is it at the scale of a few or of many? It's unrepentant and unquestioning believing a lie that's old as time, power for the sake of power. 

4 am

I lay here in a bed in conflict

My inability to sleep the night thru

While in a city far from my home

Under blankets that keep me warm

The whirring wind of forced air 

Keeping the room I'm in comfortable

Yet these images from a far

Of horrors unimaginable come to mind

And I want to complain about 

how I can't sleep thru the night

My humanity cries out

Asking me what will I do

having 2 much fun

Drunk in Mexico City and at Cueva de lobos.. live band.. drunk ass.. having waaaay too much fun..

I love this city

i got depressed today

 it's really difficult going on day after day... unable to find work in any capacity.. in any fashion...

 

and i wonder how much of it is my conditioning.. the whole picture.. 

 

granted I can pin point a majority of if i use the Sapolsky video I watched the other day...

looking at my situation.. feeling stuck.. feeling helpless.. feeling powerless... wanting to do more but that's just the rub right now.. I don't have these things (skills to overcome) I need to develop.. and I think that's the hang up I'm trying to get over... this wanting to read... to study.. to improve.. but the depression cycle is just not letting me focus.. and I'm feeling mixed at the moment... somewhat optimistic while trying to beat back this wave of pessimism that is trying to paint this morbid picture of reality... one that I am way to familiar with..

and listening to clan of xymox again is nice... it's been awhile...

i don't feel the despair that I have in the past.. I do feel lonely and sad from time to time and would like some companionship.. but I also feel like maybe that is not for me.. not everyone gets what the world offers.. not every scenario that is presented to us in whatever "normal fashion" is something that everyone gets.. 

I need to get out when I get back.. museums.. explore.. etc...

music

Insomnia got me thinking of her

3 in the morning and it's the same girl

Why does she affect me this way

Chasing a dream from so far away

Flame of summer, youth gone by

Knowing that ship has gone, the sails been cast

Unknowingly fortunate for her

These chains I just can't cast

ambivalence

I have to do something...

Currently I have no clue as to what that is...

I'm feeling ambivalent to it all atm and I know that's not something I want to be at...

What.. what .. why do I feel this way...

toxic rents

Rents as in parents... Sometimes their childhood is worse than yours, but we won't necessarily see that anytime soon. It takes a lot of education and therapy and ones own self discovery to understand the how's and why's of our own dysfunctionality before we can begin to piece together that of our parents.

Monkey see.. monkey do..

I don't know that much, aside from the general crap of where she was from and a handful of other related details. Her sister, her shitty childhood that forced her out the door and then the handful of other shitty details before she ended up my mother. Leaving home around 14/15, education not being a priority, holy shit.

Yet this where we are, the garden of life and what is produced is dependent on a number of factors.

The cycle of ignorance that produces dysfunctionality again and again. 

Ignorance is the root of all evil...

hard pills to swallow

The siren call is a deafing roar these days on towing the liberal line... But those that are calling seem to be the voices for those who have allowed this situation to occur. The bootlickers, water carriers, whatever you want to call them. Those that say that freedom dies with the orange man...

I say let it die, let the ashes bring forth those worthy to carry on humanist values devoid of capitalism and fascism.. but even that is a bit of a dream like fugue state...

msm is complicit

Any media whatever the delivery vehicle has a message, some obvious, some not so obvious. Yet most (to not completely generalize - and I dare say all the big ones) are 💯 complicit in the in going propaganda and disinformation that plagues our society. Capitalism drives the news and to think otherwise is being completely blind to the machinations that drive our society. The politics over resources, the raping and pillaging of key elements from other countries... Our whole system is designed to keep the masses complacent and ignorant of these start realities... 

my words

The bitterness of my parents seems to be at the forefront of my lips

The vitriolic of unkindness the venom of of sour grapes

These thoughts are on my mind.. do I revel in my brokenness.. is that my identity

The dysfunctionality that was the majority of my life permeates through my being as I stumble through blindly.. yet again. Yet again.

Am I content or merely looking away looking through looking beyond the pain at hand.. the pieces of my mind of my body of my heart.. 

And I have food running through my mind.. masa filled dishes of green and red sauced plates.. feeling overwhelmed but am I just being a drama queen again..

I turn the page.. but it's me turning it back wondering what did I read.. what are these characters on this page.. these unfamiliar words that keep me disinterested wondering again what is this..