maryilyn

Wednesdays club

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PKAGYj3DX2o&pp=ygUSNDUgZ3JhdmUgcGFydHl0aW1l

this is a good version.. check them all out and the movie

do you wanna party..

45 Grave

Off to Gothic club

no se

 yo no se

why am i even writing this at the moment.

I find myself flicking the door stopper of life atm... again and again...

I don't want to think about shit, because as soon as I do it's just another fucking spiraling moment. Down that rabbit hole of nostalgia, regrets, laments, and the same drama queen melodramatic bullshit. I go into this tunnel vision of thoughts and actions. to avoid and ignore the shit show that i am experiencing.

My reaction is to lash out at my surroundings.. but that is pointless. I'm not doing.. and it's my own fault?

i don't know how many more calls i can do for jobs that barely come in or submit another fucking resume..

i'm frustrated because I feel like there is this moment I am in that if I could get a new perspective I don't think I'd be whining as much as I am. That stress and anxiety that just fucking clouds my mind constantly..

I keep having fantastical ideas of stepping outside my comfort zone... ideas of doing something different and new.. but I wake up the next day and say no.

need sleep.. which is all i seem to be attempting these days and even that is difficult to achieve. Which i could sleep like when I was younger... not bothered by noise or the pain in my body that is just beginning..

death is constantly a shadow reminder these days... i think bout it.. not in a how to act it out.. well yeah.. but I dismiss it.. I question why I have this desire to live.. why is it so self serving? I look around me and I find nothing worthwhile... tv.. movies.. music.. reading.. interests.. my habits.. i question them.. but they also help to keep me here for the time being.. which is another thing.. having decent weed the other week helped my mind set a bit.. but I can't afford good weed. not too mention i need to be a bit more productive.. but not like i have been lately without it.

always something there to remind me....

 totally got fucked up with thoughts of Mr Chop Chop..

out of nowhere I had Mr Chop Chop pop in my head.. bacnk n forth.. back n forth.. LA - NY non stop

and googled it.. found a r/orangecounty post with some comments.. but the video of the band with the mr chop chop song..

being sung at the fairgrounds.. in the hanger.. 

i'm getting really tired of waking up and just feeling miserable because I go down these trails.. because i have nothing better to do than feel sorry for myself?

grief

I need to make a post about grief

drunken texts

 I write this after the fact, but in essence nothing was as dramatic as the this title. Now I'll will admit my buffoonery freely, but this is not one of those cases. This is years of experience that have brought me to a enlightened drunken state these days.. well aside from the alcohol, the other substances probably helped play a part in this as well. The story is this.. another night, another night at the club, another night of trying to have a good time, because well the good times don't last.

There was a theme that night for the music.. a foundational band to my identity in many ways, to how I felt, to how I viewed relationships and how I found an outlet.

I write this struggling to find the words, and my mind is feeling very tired at the moment. I want to use simpler language. Another night at the club, another night I'm reminded of the past. This night was a reminder of P and a revelation about her.

Yet even as I write this, post haze, I find this revelation to be in doubt. I doubt my conclusion because I doubt my reality. For years the Cure was my being, the music was my anthem, my language translator to the world. Granted that world was of a disturbed teen without a single fucking clue to the world around him, because the world in my head was all that I could see or hear. At 13 I was introduced to someone who would eventually become my first love... from there everyone else was just a comparison. A pale comparison... hormones and physiology can really do a number on a kid who already had a tumultuous upbringing. 

Then I get married, married and still dreaming of the first one. Always dreaming about the first one. (I have some other thoughts around this and the cruelty of reality). Let me try to minimize this drama...

While inebriated and thinking of my past, songs tied with so much emotion and history assault my synapses. I'm in a decent mode, as the drink and drugs seem to hold back what I fully well know to be an avalanche of historical emotions. I drunkingly text P - a timed text for her to call me when she can after she gets off work. I think i realized something that I had poo poo'd for so long... how I really feel about her.

I think it was through hearing certain fucking songs, that I realized that I did love her or I should say I loved her for a moment in time. As who she was then, but that would also point to me being different as well.

I'm glad I didn't write some long winded drunk text with this... because I know it would fall on deaf ears. Also I don't need to nor do I think she should be a sounding board for my emotional instability about our history. That ship as sailed and it's just as on fire as the one I'm on.

lost cause

The depression is in high gear at the moment. There's this thing if identified that has me thinking more on it...

I have a hard time with my broken mental state and more so with others as well. I struggle with people, I don't really want to be around groups so much. I go out.. I do things . But now it really seems like it is all forced especially with those I know and fam as well. I think about the dynamics of my childhood and the childhood of my kids. I really am having a difficult time seeing anything worthwhile or anything resembling a future worth having. 

This illusion of life with all its bullshit and subterfuge that is built in at physiological and biological levels pisses me off to no end. All this bullshit I get distracted with... that humanity is distracted with as well. The coping mechanisms and cognitive dissonance compounded by our ignorance... again I have questions about how and why we react or behave towards the situations that make up our days.

It's harder to build than destroy

It's harder to love than to hate

It's easier to keep ones life simple but there are caveats... the circumstances are not apples to apples. No two snowflakes are a like, or a zebra stripes.

Nuance, context

Comprehension is very much a part of this all .

pig whistle

So Im blogging atm on the orange line.. 

I've had a double.. triple of whiskey.. damn that shit is good

So obs

I'm in a much better mood than I was before.. is this the reason.. or one of the reasons why substances are so pursued..

If I am being honest.. I know there is this magic composition of substances that I feel make me into who my ideal is.. regardless of preconceptions.. Bukowski might be an influence.

When if had some.. whatever it is.. in the correct proportions.. life seems enjoyable.

That's sad in some respects.. but is it.. I question what is acceptable and not.. I find myself questioning "logic" as of late.. there seems to be something missing.. and I'm looking..

But tonight is fun... Shrooms alcohol fueled and then some.. F U N

entertainment

Why is it so difficult for me to find something entertaining these days...

I think I'm approaching a cliff here mentally.

Less than 2.2k left on UI.

No job prospects in the pipe atm.

And being broke asf is really dragging down my mental state. Hopefully tomorrow night is entertaining... It was last time.

Coming to terms with how bad my ADHD is.. not helping. My anxiety seems to be building. Google maps just triggers me in realizing how home bound I am.... 

I miss going places... Even if local to So Cal.

Economy is about to take a massive dump.

While I'd like to say things are what they are (c'est la vie), that is... History doing what it does. Cycles of life... That doesn't help.

I need to ..

?

At this point I really don't have a clue... At this point I'm unable to even decide shit.

talk about the weather

Those are lyrics from some 80s song...

But the drizzly overcast weather today was awesome... In spite of the depressive moment.

intrusive thoughts

Sitting in the bus, heading back from 99 Ranch.

Death, chaos come knocking on my door.

Driving by the Arco where my car got repoed and trying not to think about all the depressing moments thereafter.

Trying to find reason in sucking in air still. Railing against "logic", and wanting to put my head through this window or my fist. Wanting to scream at the top of my lungs.

I might be crungy... Cranky/hungry

Use hangry in your missives.

I wanted dim sum.. but wasn't an option. All other food would have taken too long.

So a mediocre donut 🍩 it was. 2 fucking bucks for a donut.

No pho either.. passed on crazy chicken 🐔... Teriyaki was closed..

Going home.. but heading back out. Need that adapter... Cheaper than a new cable..

Fud?