on an off again

I think it was another one, I'm not sure I was tripping on shrooms candy but if so it fixed the breathing bug from the first one.

The seizure that is. 

The problem with trying to address this is.. A. World class moron trying to deduce the world. B. In a closed system.

Honestly do I need to go on. 

I'm questioning the methods of how things are. Now I'm on the verge of .... Nothing

In bed tired, back is sore (most likely from a seizure), tickle in my throat from smoking too much, and not trying to lose my collective shit over all... And have to go to the bathroom.

Would rather sleep for eternity... 

What is reality? Why is humanity seemingly on this preprogrammed path?

but the real thing...

 so the question everything...

I really am at this point that I'm know questioning the activities that we as a species do.

Why are we so busy?

4 f's

the fundamentals of the universe.. those things that drive us. Why these things? what drives matter?

the objects and functions of this existence... life feels more like an illusion now more than ever.

question everything

 so it feels a bit weird being here..

I have Jenny from Munich on my mind.. and it's weird because I looked at the situation a bit or tried to when I was there yesterday.. what were the dynamics.. who what where when etc..

i think i may have cocked blocked myself.. I was into her.. and it definitely seemed like she was into me.. but oh lawdy did it go south..

which is also why i question everything.. I'm in this moment that seems like a golden, but I'm trying to gather data vs being a test subject. Then I have no clue what happened when my sugar went south.

Jenny from Munich.. I have seen you before and may possible see you again. I am a hot mess though and last night was a new flavor of it. Almost like a super successful rebrand on roids.

scanners

 is there some sort of juxtaposition or schadenfreude something.. holy fuck my head is a mess at the moment.

I can't even really begin to tell what the hell happened last night...

party invite.. finally I can get out...

have a good time.. eat some edibles.. the shroomy kind and then it went downhill hill after the jacuzzi.. or was it the ride back... even now things are a bit fuzzy...

it felt like i was part of a system glitch... sadly the matrix.. and I only say that because it seems cliche that i need a pop culture reference to be able to equate to it.. that and or scanners.

The quintessential life passing before my eyes in some dystopian manner... experiencing emotions all at once.

the kicker was when it seemed like i would have to relive one moment again and again... the passing of time became a blink in that all of life would occur in between those moments. it felt like the totality of life was a cliched suburban event... like so many other movies that I'd seen.. and that's what's rubbing me weird.. i feel like I've already seen this..

those around me aren't really my friends but care takers of the system and are there to ensure the system fixes itself... 

holy shit.... it was an experience...

maps are a trigger

 well I should say when I go looking at historical places in and around OC.

I'm on the verge of just bawling my eyes out right now. I long for family but I have to stop myself and go why do I long for that dysfunctionality? Is it because it's familiar? Something known vs being alone.

Looking at streets and places and locations and memories of the past come barreling through like kitten across the face when your asleep.

Though the emotionally reaction is not the same.

Why does the past bring me to tears? Is it because I find myself in a not so great situation currently? My lack of emotional bonds with others close to me, near by that is? Family is out of state,  kids are struggling, everyone I know is struggling.

I want pizza... may need to go to Jerry's later today...

why does understanding feel like an illusion

 I googled the title... found this...

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/when-things-feel-unreal-is-that-a-delusion-or-an-insight/

It's difficult to try and go "a-ha!" when I'm constantly dogged by these notions of "rly?"

What is it about this for me anyway, (feeling like I'm pretending).. tired.. need nap.

physical health = mental health

 so that seizure did a number on my already fucked up teeth, and it's about to push me over the edge at the moment mentally. It seems like one monumental fucked up thing after another the past few years... I have my mental crisis, go into survival mode, weather the depression and fucked up thoughts for however long it takes. The storm passes and I deal with it and move on to picking up the pieces, that is, how do I get back on track now that the path is gone or that "hope" is not gonna happen. Primarily the job situation and that's already playing a number on me as it is. I had a job in the fucking bag, but it was contingent on the economy not taking a massive shit on that... which we know didn't happen. For the 3rd time I've gone through this being fucked by the economy and missing out on a job.

The problem is that I've been getting to a max velocity on boredom here.

So just to sum up the the mental situation...

Knee is fucked.. hips are fucked... feet and ankles are now screaming at me.

Back is fucked.

I'm paranoid about my physical health now to a point that I've stopped my beneficial exercising.. even that extreme shit I was doing.. the very long walks... inconsistently that is.

I'm losing my shit on my weight... which is making me eat like crap as of late.. because I don't want to leave the house to go shopping.. I don't want to have an episode out in public.. though I now what the signs are.. or at least for that last instance.

I'm finding that I'm getting bored of drugs.. well weed that is.. I think i've mentioned this in the past.

my teeeeeeth.... I'm stressing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!