resentment

why do I hold on to it with P?

Why do I resent her? Do I equate my mother's bullshit to other women? Is that really a thing?

So..I'm trying to keep an even keel.. which I know is pretty much impossible as we have our own realities determined by our knowledge/experiences and the summation of us trying to decipher that reality via our genetically uniquely evolved mind. My ability to fathom the things I do k/now is not the same skill set I had 20 years ago.. 30... 40... etc.. my comprehension levels are larger to some degree than before.

So why do I resent her? Do I take in (internalize?) this concept of what a relationship should be and conflate it with what reality is?

I'm at another point again.. again with wanting to make some fucking sort of dramatic change.. but always feeling like I just can't ever fucking do it.. and watching tv shows from 20 years ago that speak volumes on this and other related subjects is really burning my britches.. but I know Rome wasn't built in a day.. and I need to actually start doing something.. but it seems.. just maybe that when I'm about to have something good happen... reality is right there to tell me to suck it up.

I resent her and it makes no sense because I have no fucking right.. well the fake it part.. the fake it till ya make it shit... that's not a reason to? Do I feel more betrayed by this than anything else? I already have severe trust issues... and writing this shit down.. just makes me want to bawl my eyes out...

i feel like the feelings I have are not legit.. that they are not valid considering the pain I have caused others... I am my own worst enemy.. critic.. 

I despise that I can be quick to using critical language.. or coming across the wrong way... but I can't please everyone and the language I use I attempt to convey my sincere thoughts..