creating our own realities

 I'm binging the Sopranos atm.. and why the fuck does it  (or does it?) trigger so many memories and no.. that's not it.. it's something else..

I feel regret.. sadness.. at the moment.. but during that time did I feel the same..

and is it relevant now?

What is it about the Sopranos that I see P and I's relationship in there.. the sheer level of dysfunctionality.. the moment Carm lost it on Tony - season 4?.. hit very much at home.. the level of incredulity from Carm about T's infidelity and taking her for granted... the rage in her eyes.. 

I know that P and I are finished.. because not even for all the tea in China would I want to be her again.. she has nothing that I would be interested in as far as another relationship goes.. 

Her inability to communicate on a meaningful level, to have a meaningful discussion about reality and science and interests... she is devoid of. That's her experience..

So it leads me to this underlying thought that I have had for some time now.. the interests that we have will shape us.. the things that we are drawn to, guide our path towards our ideals of not only ourselves but the world around us...

I'm a broody drama queen who's very self centered.. or at least that how I view myself.. who can never seem to shake the past.. because there's always something there to remind me...

 

I think I'm lonely as fuck at the moment but I'm to afraid of myself to change.

this emotional backpack is killing my shoulders and myself..