so felt a bit mopey today..
unsure... I'm a bit stressed atm and burned out.. in general.. just struggling wanting to breathe.
I feel it when I go to inhale and I can't catch my breath... at least not nearly as deep as I used to.. but that probably could also be related to the pot smoking... I need to look up those breathing exercises...
why do I hold on to it with P?
Why do I resent her? Do I equate my mother's bullshit to other women? Is that really a thing?
So..I'm trying to keep an even keel.. which I know is pretty much impossible as we have our own realities determined by our knowledge/experiences and the summation of us trying to decipher that reality via our genetically uniquely evolved mind. My ability to fathom the things I do k/now is not the same skill set I had 20 years ago.. 30... 40... etc.. my comprehension levels are larger to some degree than before.
So why do I resent her? Do I take in (internalize?) this concept of what a relationship should be and conflate it with what reality is?
I'm at another point again.. again with wanting to make some fucking sort of dramatic change.. but always feeling like I just can't ever fucking do it.. and watching tv shows from 20 years ago that speak volumes on this and other related subjects is really burning my britches.. but I know Rome wasn't built in a day.. and I need to actually start doing something.. but it seems.. just maybe that when I'm about to have something good happen... reality is right there to tell me to suck it up.
I resent her and it makes no sense because I have no fucking right.. well the fake it part.. the fake it till ya make it shit... that's not a reason to? Do I feel more betrayed by this than anything else? I already have severe trust issues... and writing this shit down.. just makes me want to bawl my eyes out...
i feel like the feelings I have are not legit.. that they are not valid considering the pain I have caused others... I am my own worst enemy.. critic..
I despise that I can be quick to using critical language.. or coming across the wrong way... but I can't please everyone and the language I use I attempt to convey my sincere thoughts..
I'm binging the Sopranos atm.. and why the fuck does it (or does it?) trigger so many memories and no.. that's not it.. it's something else..
I feel regret.. sadness.. at the moment.. but during that time did I feel the same..
and is it relevant now?
What is it about the Sopranos that I see P and I's relationship in there.. the sheer level of dysfunctionality.. the moment Carm lost it on Tony - season 4?.. hit very much at home.. the level of incredulity from Carm about T's infidelity and taking her for granted... the rage in her eyes..
I know that P and I are finished.. because not even for all the tea in China would I want to be her again.. she has nothing that I would be interested in as far as another relationship goes..
Her inability to communicate on a meaningful level, to have a meaningful discussion about reality and science and interests... she is devoid of. That's her experience..
So it leads me to this underlying thought that I have had for some time now.. the interests that we have will shape us.. the things that we are drawn to, guide our path towards our ideals of not only ourselves but the world around us...
I'm a broody drama queen who's very self centered.. or at least that how I view myself.. who can never seem to shake the past.. because there's always something there to remind me...
I think I'm lonely as fuck at the moment but I'm to afraid of myself to change.
this emotional backpack is killing my shoulders and myself..
This is a real conundrum.. a pickle you might say.
I somewhat feel as if I am at another crossroads so to speak.. another moment .. a pause.. a breathe before the shit storm.. because that's all I can see.. is shit storm after shit storm and I am not prepared.. I am in no fucking way prepared and there's not a god damned thing I can do at the moment and I'm freaking/not-freaking out about it.. like I'm 10000% aware of it.. but I'm like wtf.. I can't do what I can't do.. but then again I'm sort of like new tricks biotch.. learn em.. and another part of me is like fuck that shit... I feel my inner nag nagging me to death... just constantly judging me... every fucking thing I do.. me myself and I.. but why.. because I know time IS of the essence.. tick tock.. muthafucker..
if everything is a cycle... evolution.. the systems within this reality that are governed by them.. can you you truely have a sense of balance without being too much in one aspect... but I think that's something already been addessed.. hence the notion of moderation... but if that is the case.. then this reality that we do experience is all that we have... at the moment...
I'm barely begining to fathom this concept of escaping this consciousness.. this reality.. transendence.. but if we are just part of the system.. and from what we can tell at the moment it is closed (Quantum physics? Super position.. et al.), there are parts of phsycis that we are fairly certain and it's well established.. theories.. 4 forces.. etc.. and now we have to figure out QM.. and that paradoxes within.. Reality has a lot of those..
So programming errors? If this is a simulation.. simulacrum.. would that not make sense that we share the same errors... is life recursive.. is reality cyclical? Considering we have this picture of systems/cycles, matter in a state of vibration at the atomic/quantum level.. I know this is not anything new.. death/rebirth.. these concepts have been in play for generations..
perspective.. life has so much greater meaning via perspective... and we can only get perspective through experiencing it in as many ways as possible... sadly for some that means a path of destruction... behaviors/habits are taught/learned... poor examples can have poor results.. though not always the case..
I'm in a weird spot emotionally atm.. trying to push the melancholy out.. trying to be more for myself.. trying to not let shit get me to pre occupied.. redoubling efforts.. and trying to refocus.. so less fuck around time and projects/learning... not a resolution.. but something that I need to just do.. plain and simple.. time will tell.
This is not a love song... p.i.l.
I hate... hhmmm... that word again.. or at least me pointing it out.... Things to do.. using music to distractivate (ditract+motivate - things you do right before setting into action typically geared towards self improvement. ex. Spending a significant time to find the "right music" to workout to, study to, chores, etc.) me..
Anger is an energy - p.i.l.
