peering within

I was trying to think of the most pretentious title I could but I'm not that creative...

So what if it's all... Reality it's totality.. just one illusion upon another.

Just because we have mechanisms in place that help us measure said reality... Science and it's various disciplines... We already know that illusions are present and the reality is already skewed.... We as people share it but individually it's ever so varied... Hence ones intereptation is ever so slightly different... Experiences are unique.

It's all a computer generated construct as played out via organic evolution.. or whatever... Don't look at me.. I'm a moron.

why I poo poo things...

Dumb wedding videos...

It's an addiction.. a longing, a never wanting to end experience, it's bewitching, entrancing, exhilarating, exasperating. It's a breath on the neck, a whisper in a ear, a caress on the arm, a joy that drives the want..

In a blink the dream becomes reality and then you have to work to keep the dream alive.

Work.. effort... Love doesn't grow on its own.

I find myself afraid.. of myself.. of wanting something I feel would be tainted by reminders of the past.. fear of something possible..or im...

Get into the groove

 So I'm sorta at a loss for words atm...  Today I dropped what games I was playing... in fact I think I realized my first addiction... one that's been with me since childhood.... now games aren't bad.. just how much time i was spending on them... also I think i'm trying to scratch an itch.... some what.. I've been hobbled with the knee issue, waiting for surgery in a couple of months.. and trying to find something to fill that void and i know i said in the back of my head.. just a game or just for a little bit.. I can't do that anymore... that is the endless playing a game on rinse & repeat... Looking at you Sid!

why do I...

So introspection is key...

Why do I... Doom scroll news, reddit habitually... Hourly.. everyday.. well when I'm not busy that is... Pavlov.. and shit 

time

Feeling at bit of everything at the moment... Feeling like I don't have enough time..

Feeling that time has moved too fast too far...

The past shadows of yesterday grow thin..

The memories that haunt... 

These necrotic vestiges of what was...

This maggot filled decayed corpse of a past...

The purifying stench of decay has blinded my senses..

Supposedly it's in how one perceives the moment... Yet when you're surrounded by shit it's difficult to see anything but.

Is being positive a blessing or a curse... Is being negative just an imitational noisey clamor of reality.

I wake up tired... Tired of breathing... Tired of living.. tired of repeating. Supposedly the future is for one to make... Supposedly 

why do we bargain with those who hold us hostage and sell us out?

So... I'm about done with that history book I've been reading for over a year...

It's amazing to learn about how a possible reality feels like an illusion... Yet again.. humanity is locked in a program of predetermination. Fractals being a good basic... Lol basic... They are fucking weird... The close you get the more of the same..

Science is fucking amazing... I sorta get it.. I get enough to know the biggish picture... The science of evolution... The history of humanity... The cycles of everything that we are all attached to... Evolution.

We are a blip on this rock... In this galaxy.. universe.. reality.  Bittersweet at best.... Hell is a better descriptor.

The 2nd law of thermodynamics... Aka fun killer.

If there is a beginning... There is an end.

I know I have my social walls and "idiosyncrasies"... I'm trying not to be an asshole. 

I've been a bit more contemplaty lately... The phrase you are what you eat... How it's not just about food but what occupies your available time will produce same said product. Why am I obsessed with this information?? 

At times I feel like my brain is a breakdown away from oblivion. There's a governor... Restrictor plate... Blocker that seems to prevent me from putting shit together...

There have been a handful of ah ha moments in my life.... Ones where I not only got self confirmation but outside neutral confirmation. Pursuing education... Philosophy especially... That leads me further down a path of trying to maintain a sense of balance... I'm no longer drowning in my own ignorance.. 

It's harder to build... Than to destroy.

It's harder to love than to hate.

Idealistic

What the hell is this shit...

Pissy mood

 I'm grumbling this morning.. grumbling about all the little bullshit things.. that really don't matter but here we are.

I'm tired of sharing space with others... I think that's it in a nut shell...

When you have people with divergent ways of going about their lives that - education/privilege/life choices/goals/aspirations even - it can cause stress for those who are up tight bitches.

Is this that though? Am I being too much of a bitch? 

I'm not the person I once was.. I don't tolerate or I should say I don't put up with other people's shit that intervenes in mine... which is another reason as to why I doubt I'll be in another relationship....

a) do i really want to to in that kind of effort? 

b) I'm too fucking tired atm to come up with other reasons.. 

again I'm feeling pissy..

I really can't fucking stand people like my mother... lazy good for nothings.. but that was me.. 

how can I be upset when i fully know that life is a chaotic shit storm of who the fuck knows you'll get.

When I know what I know.. how can I be upset? Anxiety.. impatient... fear?

I'm over a lot of what reality has to offer.. at least the advert shit. This capitalist offered curated special limited engagement once in a lifetime offer...

my anxiety levels are up... i can tell by my leg jitters.. 

balance.. really chaotic mood... not sad.. not depressed.. pissy.. feeling like I don't have time... or that reality is going to shit on my cereal soon...

almost

Was trying to sleep ..

Your ideas only go as far as you mind has been.

comida

Eating at my local Indian market... Love the cash n carries that have a kitchen. Love the ethnic markets that have kitchens, typically good cheap food options... And with my first restrictions as of late... Indian is a default these days... No complaints love the cuisine..just sad no more meat...

Completely a reluctant veganish... 

But now I forgot what I was gonna write.. it was something about me thinking about a barter of labor for food...traditions.. and how I tried to find my own traditions via a sense of identity and sadly my choice was one many take... But yet here I am where many are not... Not in a bragging sense but reality.. sheer numbers... How my lack of identity or traditions led me to craving them and seeking out the communal identity through social activities... Inspire of those ideas being batshit crazy... Fuck humans are dumb.

"Reality"

 So in the wake of my step mothers death I'm thinking about the totality of reality. lol

Then read this...

Especially around how we perceive it, and how it's our experiences that shape us (positive and negative experiences that become our guiding path our referential moments, memory anchors that help shape our reality to be and at present. I personally believe that life does not have a simple answer, but once you understand enough science and history coupled with the time for introspection, weighing yourself against all of this. This being the opportunities to reflect, contemplate, meditate on the information you have up to date coupled with new experiences and information.  Reality for me is this... I see how evolution/the science of the "Big Bang" (universal expansion), coupled with biological evolution, philosophy, history, psychology, physics, and a spattering (smattering?) of everything else sciency... PBS shows, TV, Film, etc.. School... Understanding that humans are complex, and layered and being able to understand yourself and the world around you. Emotionally aware, cognitively aware, am I here??? 

That's the thing about reading.. all it's rabbit trails....

When you see the intersections of reality come together.. the connections in a web of information, of experiences, of your life, of who you are and the world around you then you'll know. The information is there to pull yourself out of your shit.. you just have to accept you are nothing... pure humility. Tear yourself down.. strip your ego from yourself.. rebuild it in the image YOU want... who.. do.. you.. want.. to.. be..

I want to be a better person than who I've been... both in what I think are fundamentals... better in my health.. mindful of my physical well being... in all aspects.. but understanding the balance needed in all things... my health and as I age dictates choice I have to make know because I WASN'T mindful 20+ years ago...  Mental well being... same as above.. How cognizant am I of my habits and behaviors and do you understand the current typical biological responses that drive them. The psychology behind human behavior... By understand I'm talking college level 101 classes in around human behavior, sociology, see above...

pain

Why do we hold on to pain?

Why do we inflict it upon ourselves...

Especially for those we love? Do we think that this is the only way we'll remember them? That if we stop hurting that somehow we'll forget them?

I have a handful of people I can't let go of, granted some of this pain is new and fresh and honestly I don't want to not hurt when I think about it... But there are others that while it's been decades... I can easily lose my shit about it.. them. Losing my shit in the sense of becoming almost inconsolable, with an overwhelming sadness. Fuck my anxiety is through the rough at the moment.. and trying to focus on work and having a difficult time about it.