soooooo

When the nuklear dust settles and humanity crawls back out from it's years of forced subterranean dwelling due to the fact the US was subverted from within but those rotting carcasses we call humans ushering in our destruction like they think they are bringing their fictional dieties (Christianity is polytheistic, don't let them tell ya different) ideas of an apocalyptic ending here or what?!?

 fuck this reality

anxiety stress triggers

So part of the whole mindfulness thing is attempting to get ahead of feelings and emotions that don't help create a more positive mindset.

Though i find myself wanting to say fuck it on certain days.

I feel like if there is this dichotomy of humanity it's in this... Wanting to care and not giving a shit.

There are times, even bad times where I have this resilient focus (for the moment) and want to push forward.. fuck even in my more extreme (these days) moods I feel that I should look towards a more beneficial outcome versus say my scorched earth approach... My mother.. avoid/ignore/retreat

I'm finding that when I'm suuuuuuuper tired I'm a wee bit more cranky than my grandson. Things don't go well if I remain in that state.. 

Balance

The reality of shit is we don't have the same reality...

New books.. more read

But that's a dead end (???) 

That is i firmly believe I'll never have the level of understanding that i want..  it's a pipe dream and detached from reality. Again I have this notion that too poop much of one thing creates the opportunity for polarized thinking and that leads to extremism.

Tired brain no function..

cultivation

So I'm thinking about the cycle humanity... Socially speaking.

Because it's difficult for humans myself included and I'm probably being myopic in this, to see beyond themselves. 

How humanity is in this position of dispariting ideas and the lazy greed fueled ptb continued to drive us towards the edge, so what if a bunch of people die in poor impoverished countries directly as a result of a super power or by proxy...

This is where writing being becomes so important... Not so much for others but to get the thoughts down.. for notes.. this will be compiled at some point... Some point... Soooo much fam shit..

Such conflict atm.. internally... Why do i let it bug me?? Why do I get emotional.. apparently or supposedly it's because I care...

So my emotional how could you be so not observant internal monologue is because I'm emotionally concerned or something if the sort..

Hmmm... So now i want think about that.. which means probably not... Honesty.. I'm a bit stoned atm.

Why does emotional concern become aggressive?? Defense response?

Idea... It's easier and requires less mental resources if not in a specific care category???

So I'm self validating it happens???

Honestly no fucking clue... If I knew... See this is where I feel it's the physiological aspects that drive and determine out futures more than conscious thought... Our biological drivers... Mentally we finds the means and ways to achieve... Everything else is secondary that doesn't support those drivers.

Can we make a conscious effort to influence them.. absolutely.. we can see the effects.

So it takes conscious effort to effect change.

Desire... Why do you want change?

What for .. goals.. ambitions..

It's a self replicating, but don't confuse this with a one and done... Conscious effort .. continuously replenishing with new information, relevant, all imcompasing, foundational, factual, historical, relaxing, enjoyable, and at times entertaining.

Balance...

Learn your cycle...patterns...

Document.. journal...

learn the playground rules

It just dawned on me or i think it did...

So I'm writing notes down for the Logic book I have that I'm about to start studying... And it dawned on me.. why am I doing this? Why am I motivated towards this direction?

Because the person who I was up until a certain point....

Now i think that's a bit of a misnomer... Person who I was.. lol

I've come to the conclusion that my past actions define me as garbage. That is my personal assessment. Sure I could point and blame my parents or environment or socio economic status or family dysfunctionality or my unsupervised antics due to my parents being fucking broken like the rest of humanity. Now that said... Responsibility becomes apparent and using failure as a teacher and not the punisher.. unless it's something unavoidable. Inherent danger in the activity even after foreseeable precautions have been taken results in the harm of one or more. This concept that hard people need hard time... Holy fuck these people should be put down. Usually the polarized nut jobs with imaginary friends.

How are you cultivating??

disruption of balance

Whenever you have a disparity or imbalance of a system, it will exacerbate harmful chaotic elements into the system, the localized system of a region such as a planet, from there you can see the hot spots. 

Humans are garbage however I don't see... Exactly

I don't see. Because my knowledge is nothing compared to totality.

The disproportionate systems humans have developed flys in the face of reality, the reality of evolution, it's natural rythyms, it's natural cycles. Though what is expected when the average education level is 6 years at best. 

We are "advanced mammals". Who feel and act like gods...

The sheer levels of ignorance needed to overcome humanities shortcomings is that huge ass mountain on Mars... Olympus. Had to look up the name..

See.. humans have to make sense of shit... Label everything..

Don't hang your hat on knowledge... But absolutely avoid ignorance when it's possible.

make a list

So the no bullshit thing is bugging me... I'm feeling like I am.. like I'm a pedestrian to my own life...

A npc.. in my own world..i wonder what this feeling in inadequecy is... About what my expectations are for myself...

I think that's something I... I...

Hmmm... I very much feel this need to hurry up and purchase a car.. however I need to get started on the farts n craps dev aspect... Which involves tool and tool accessory buying..... Eek.

On top of trying not to go overboard on things... G kids... Impromptu trips.. i need to focus on finances... Food at home... Options.. 1 night out.. document cravings...

DINO OD

 Officially od-ing on dino's...  so freaking excited!

damn redhead

 And here I find myself waking up from a very powerful and vivid dream of that redhead.

I thought this was done but oh boy is that not the case.

Strong women... Strong intelligent women..

But I'm just feebleness at best.

I was at some sort of resort w retail.. 

I wanted to talk.. but it being a dream sure wasn't gonna happen.

And now the tears are here.

I think itore likely just the memories at this point... Powerful ones that are tied to it.

I need to get over this...

last day

So...

I think this trip was much better. No explosive meltdowns as of yet. Progress seems to have been made, but I'm not sure if it was progress of the necessary kind. The sustaining kind..

But it was a trip.

 

Bittersweet it is. Emotions are still percolating a bit so I'm on guard. 

What is i am after? How do I know know??

My ignophobia is present... But that isn't just about my own ignorance it's also about making sure what i think know isn't bs either.. is that possible...

Why does this drive me so?

Fear... Anxiety... Powerlessness...

I don't think I'm where I "need to be".. is it just my perception.. distorted yet again?

I'm thinking about that Carlin special i watched... His LSD experience..

I relate ... It scares me at the moment... Because I know there is this human connection.. and it scares and excites me..

Knowing that others see the world the same...

But is that an illusion.. as no information outside of oneself comes to but by instruction/experience..

I'm sure this is a half baked thought... As there may be an exception or two..

The "ah-ha" moments imo are a culmination of other events/information/experiences... 

I feel like there is this cultivation aspect... Baking a cake... Building a house... Etc.. that helps to paint the picture...

Hmmm... What do I want to do?

Everything... Damn it Zach... 

I need to create an income flow that works for me... That uses my skills.. grows me.. and helps me to achieve goals...

To do Historical skills list...

Skill dev... Mentoring.. social skill building... 

Fuck I'm an emotional fuck... 

I feeeeeeeels scared excited apprehensive curious wondering about the feels around the idea of change/growing beyond who I am....

Re invent oneself...