Russian invades

 I just took my the last of my Xanax script that I'd saved away for the past year. I don't have any confidence in the rest of this year any hope that I currently have is but a whisper at this moment. From what i have read of the current events of the past... since human documented history.... and don't see a lot of "change" societal aside from the ideas of how we can be kept under leash more than we are now. Also that we are doomed if and should we get out of the current situation.

ELECTED LEADERSHIP HAS FAILED US AGAIN!!!!

The fact that we continue delegate boundaries for ONE FUCKING PEOPLE (humans) is a good chunk of the problem.. but I sigh and take a breath as I peel back the onion.

Human behavior is another... another layer.

Traditions not based on rational thought... another layer.

Irrational thought pushed as truth... another layer.

I honestly don't have a clue aside from those 3 unanswerable questions that philosophy has taught me.

Governance

Education/knowledge

Conduct

Freedom is a double edged sword.... 

And here I find myself exasperating about my thoughts... as I never feel I'll come to an end with them. I never feel satisfied with an answer... it always seems a bit ambiguous ... like not quite on the mark..but i guess close enough... i guess.. sorta..

This just brings me back to the whole presentation from Sapolsky about chaos/reductionism

Questions...

for I perplex others, not because I am clear, but because I am utterly perplexed myself.

Bare skin....

 

warm water

 cool gel

short strokes in a circle

flexing away

inward reflecting

now vexed over materials

lined?

Baba O'Riley by The Who

 Newport Harbor Hospital I was 13 when Thomas Perri gave me a mix tape of what would be my intro to 60's/70's Rock. One side was a Best of Doors and the other was a mi of others. Otis Redding, Joan Jett, The Who, Lou Reed, Alice Cooper, Harry Chapin which apparently is the mother-lode of all trigger songs.

I think Blue Oyster Cult was on there as well. That is what I believe to be the list, questioning the BOC...

Thom was my peer counselor at NHH for the first time I was there. I think he left when I ended up back a few months later. I firmly believe that the methods used back then were pretty garbage. I mean if I look at it then and see it for what it was, the generational knowledge of "not knowing" being passed down yet again. Genetics, self awareness, exposure to differing ideas, the right time in human social evolution, being born to a specific set of parents, at a specific location, biology, social dynamics, and the way evolution and life have played out to today. Every person on this planet has a similar but unique experience here on Earth. 

I wonder what it is like from someone with an inquisitive mind who hails from the Asian continent, perhaps in a "bohemian way" they were raised that allowed them to cultivate philosophical inquiries in their day to day surroundings without reprisals yet thoroughly encouraged? Educated parents? Overseas travel? Or something completely else??

U2 - The Unforgettable Fire (Official Music Video)

Typically I don't care much for U2... however those first few albums are magical and this is probably my favorite song from them. I'm 10-12 yrs old again... Earlier?

Fuck so long ago...

7:17 on a Friday night...

So Sunday my 10 yr laptop fan gave up the ghost. Hearing it's last gasps of life earlier that day and attempting  primitive pop culture folklore remedies was to no avail. Yesterday the replacement fan came in and I was like WOO HOO, just in time for school. Only to open the package to a prophetic warning place upon the package to find that it was indeed the wrong part. In my state of discontent hiked over to the local electronics mega store to shop what my options were. Wasn't  until, today that I discovered all the required parts to have a working PC up and running were already here... it was 

had to stop to clean the keyboard... it was gross in one spot...

Which I find funny knowing how I would adventure through storm drains, dumpsters, and waist high channel run off thinking it was the best fucking time... playing a game that I would come to understand not personally but well versed in the horrors of reality even if fictionalized or dramatized there are resources on the internet, especially during the 90's days of it's infancy. The internet is a free market of ideas, some pleasant, some not. 

 

Looks like no Cure show...

Philosophy

 Philosophy, though unable to tell us with certainty what is the true answer to the doubts which it raises, is able to suggest many possibilities which enlarge our thoughts and free them from the tyranny of custom. Thus, while diminishing our feeling of certainty as to what things are, it greatly increases our knowledge as to what they may be; it removes the somewhat arrogant dogmatism of those who have never travelled into the region of liberating doubt, and it keeps alive our sense of wonder by showing familiar things in an unfamiliar aspect. - R Bertrand

Am I...

bad struggling to be good or good struggling to be bad...

and right there should tell me... that I'm out of sorts.. I know in my mind via words on paper I read, people on video saying this very same thing... good and bad are human constructs.. and there is a WHOLE lot of shit attached to that. Philosophically I know (see above) there are three things that humans cannot agree on...

Knowledge

Conduct

Governance

Sorry but after everything I've read and seen and maybe be supported by things I've read, UNKNOWINGLY confirming my beliefs. Which on one hand I embrace and it doesn't make me feel so much as of an outcast.. but I have nothing to contribute screams at the forefront of my head.

I want to cry right now and I don't know why.. and I think that's a big fucking thing hitting me at the moment.. that we really don't have a fucking clue...

The human experience... fuuuuuuuuuck

Seriously how is this not a fucking hell?!?! I'm trapped in a meat bag having to use this fucked up contrivance of a suit to perform this fucking physiological and biological tasks at periodic intervals.. why the fuck is this design something so sadistic?? Which again seems to indicate when HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW...  don't you love how this keeps going around and around.. 

Free will... it's not free it's chaotic.. because it's developed not only genetically but also influenced from internal and external sources. Female egg.. male sperm... whatever the mother ingests or doesn't affects the baby.. genetic make up of both parents... mental factors.. environment.. etc..

So that sets the stage for how we process information and like they say.. GIGO...

but again.. it's a feature not a bug. Seriously how could it not be?

Chaos theory... I feel like I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fucking wrong at every turn only to find a nugget.. see previous post about it.. that completely says "others think the same" and that's where I find I'm wading into dangerous waters.. and I'm not ready.. and I know this.. so I need to prepare.. but there's a huge part of me that seems to be fighting this.. and so.. I need to work on those areas...

money #1

must get better...

Having a day

 So my mental state is all other the place today... I've found myself lashing out at others... mentally and that's a no bueno...

I'm feeling frustrated.. about a great deal of many things.. and I'm noticing that I'm being SUPER sensitive to situations...I find myself not being able to chill... I have zero chill... at least with others.. or do i.. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

fear uncertainty and doubt... that is life..

I fear for my family and my situation..

the future is always uncertain

and so I doubt on what I need to do..

but I'm working

I'm trying to go to school

I feel like I'm trying and failing though.. that even if I start to act in a manner that seems prudent it ends in disaster... and I'm really trying to see it all. the big picture.. every fucking things I can.. but life.. life gets in the fucking way.. things beyond my control... 

I find myself at a proverbial mental crossroads so to speak.. it's the constant choice making that is getting to me maybe... lol free will...

Gear Second!?!

 OP4evr

 

 

 

So again inspiration from a foreign influence... eastern philosophy

 

I've been contemplating a lot today about what really is my objective... what is my end goal.. and I believe I've been wanting to make something a bit more definitive...

#1 Rediscover fun...

#2 Be human - self exploration

#3 Decide on a focused path... 

    A) Hobbyist/Whatever the fuck/Do Nothing but say big things...

    B) The Vlog + Art Projects - I need to step out of my comfort zone and this is it.. I need to move it move it..

 

and it's B

 

I'll need to get some story board type shit put together and other template shit.. production timelines... etc.. project plan.. heh heheh.

So I was thinking about my level of motivation atm... I was able to achieve things other people had not.. or ever as far as I know. Granted it was at a very young and naive and ignorant age... I did it. I have this weird mental block on all the fucking awesome shit I used to do... but I find myself right this moment hesitating to embrace them.. fuck my wrist hurts trying to type this out...

yeah.. car hit me the other day...

I'm feeling very conflicted here...  almost like I need to get rid of some things... but i question that.. as I do have some good ideas while stoned.. but I get the impression I'm hamstringing myself... I have this nagging feeling.. or am I having the fomo moment... fuck I hate my brain and my physiology!! 

So instead of pondering I'm going forward with B... 

as soon as this hand fully heals...  pre prod till then. 2 weeks? I hope

Squashed Ice Cream

 got hit by a car... one handed typing...