Chemical Discrepancies

Mentally a rough day...

I dropped my rpg game for the day..

video time with g-kids was lack luster...

I know things are sorta crappy.. crappy.. I hate to put a label on something that really is a matter of perspective.

Eating to feel better but not feeling better when I eat... or drink... or smoke..

and I know those things won't truly make me feel better...

what is it that is bugging me aside from the usual... I don't think I'd be any better if I did have $$$$ to burn.. but then again... no it wouldn't because $$$ won't fix the shit in people's heads... 

 

why is there such a big disconnect with things.. physical/mental.
 

I'm tired today... tired of feeling like crap(?).... feeling like it's all a rinse and repeat or rinse and repeat till it's forces you to change how you rinse and repeat..

 

I learned to adapt with the change in my life... but I feel like this constant change is maybe driving me insane.. but constant change is life.. change is life.

I had some disconcerting thoughts earlier... thoughts that I wished hadn't popped in my head. 

Today was an off day...expectations.. personal expectations about what I can and cannot control..

I'm tired.. If I had a choice I wouldn't wake up and I'd sleep forever.

The energy and motivation to do things is just not there today.

 

a big part of me today just doesn't fucking care.... and that bugs me.

 

I want to cry right now...  I'm tired of this constant struggle to want to live.. this constant struggle just to live.. 

Even trying to think of good things make me not feel good. Never seeing any fucking end to things... the work.. the day to day mundacity of living... 

I find myself arguing with myself about things that I can't even write down at the moment.. because I don't feel like... 

Spend more money on weed.. not spend more money on weed. I'm over it.. so over it.. 

tired.. I want to sleep.. even though I did a decent amount of sleeping already today..

 

and tv isn't cutting it anymore.. books?