sadness

 Trying to decide if sadness is worse than depression or vice versa.

Sadness seems to encompass the heart more than depression. Depression has this overarching hold on everything thing about a person. Sadness seems to be a final nail, a sort or acceptance comes with sadness an acceptance of finality. Not in ones life but for the cause of the sadness.

This final acceptance of things never going back to how it may have been. Fighting the thoughts in my head.

I feel so outta whack emotionally and mentally at this point in time, past week?

So.. query.. these moments that come on me.. A) Im in a depressed and very sad state. B) Weed driven to some affect? C) Going from sad/depressed to a lingering feeling of wanting to rage and quit making excuses or am I making excuses?... Analysis paralysis...  Hamlet's dilemma.

 

What am I doing?!?! My thoughts for my family are all I can think of these days... What is the healthy balance? I was more or less ok till I heard the latest. What can I do? No job.. no car.. nada.. i'm getting lost on the situation... Not allowing myself to get stable and centered... Forest...trees..

I was sorta of the mind I've not been quite as busy either... Then again I want to make sure I have what I need.

Holy shit my head is a whirlwind of crap today... Thoughts of justification of actions based on biology and evolutionary genetics... Which is true.. need to get out... HD it is..

lament

 I find myself in a cold place, distorted over time and drenched in a bittersweet substance of vagueness of the past. The players are the same and so are the antagonists. Wanting something I can never have. Wanting something not in reality... A dream... A fantasy... 

Wanting to be rid of dregs and dross that cling like a cat. Yet I stand here waiting... 

Depression wasn't really here this morning but damn it is now. Now what...

This fear.. fear of moving from an unknown position... Fear of the unknown? Fear of losing more of what I don't have already.

reflection

 There's an emptiness I have that I can't seem to shake that comes from time to time.

Is it a lack of companionship? No doubt there's a chemical reaction going on. All sorts of hormones being produced.

Damn you Martha and the Muffins.

So here's a bit of what gets me going mentally... Being that we are humans of "rational thought", is it not in our best interest to seek some sort of continual change overcoming irrational behaviors in order to achieve our best possible idea of ourselves and humanity 

Or 

Because of the drivers of evolutionary biology this is just a sissyphean endeavor to attempt?

Not saying that it's an either or, there are a number of other things that could be put in place as well. 

This emptiness that comes and goes... I think I'm at a point that I need to be really productive. I'm finding I'm less motivated with the passing days and the nagging voice in my head that screams you failure. Why bother... Usually it's a whisper.. now as things seem to keep going as they are..

My stress eating has caught up.. fuck.. All that weight loss gone.. and even with a return to more regular exercise I'm still stress eating... 

I'm not sure if talking to people helps or hurts... The whole having a conversation with someoneand they bring up a subject that's been out of mind for a while.

Damn.. why... I want to cry.. I'm hurting for the fam... Mainly with all their struggles.

Feeling powerless sucks and I get the impression it's one of the biggest drivers for anxiety... Flight or fight.. life or death.

These primordial instincts... Neural impressions passed down the evolutionary chain.

That's a question....

Given what I know now would I trade it for ignorance? To be unaware of myself and the world around me... What would the difference be? 

I need to make some shit here soon...

The Huntington

 Btw.. place was amaze balls.. so glad I went..

However I did notice I'd like company.. great time non the less.

getting closer

 So big project here.. need to order materials and have delivered..

I find my anxiety driving me to look for jobs... I need to look for gigs...

Feeling trapped... Mentally.. I find my thoughts riddled with doubt... Doubt on if I can deliver.. am I always misjudging things??

Is it that I can't fathom a specific topic or thought that prevents me being able to see through on the big picture endeavors that will allow me to not work in an office... I need to make this work.. I have no ?! Options !? (Sorta)....

Need to order stickers...

Why do I react to others.. expectations.. re-eval if so..

and like that...

 So in light of my last post and the days after...

I feel there are the typical scenarios involved that got me from having the early onset stages of a depressive episode to having an awesome day out yesterday.

Btw.. the birds in the backyard help a lot.

I feel the notion of 5 stages or 7 stages or whatever it's called when you're confronted with a situation good or bad and how you process it.. primarily bad situations where cognitive biases kick in on top of chemical influences naturally occurring in the body or supplemented. Aka the psychological makeup of ones ID/ego/self/consciousness and what mechanisms we've inherited or developed along the way.

So by being able to quickly process those stages allows one to get back to being more capable of having a balance mentally in a daily manner.

Communicating with others who also are able to be a sounding board that's able to call out inaccuracies in assumptions and to validate known biases in attempts to promote honest conversation and perspectives. Knowing that others and the actions of others are not in your control and also not letting the emotional charged events to compromise facts.

So this requires amassing a certain foundational knowledge of a handful of subjects and I'd say experiences as well.

I need to review these... Philosophy.. history... These are what saved me.. my desire to question my beliefs..

To want to know the truth... And the truth is plain as day once you properly assess all the needed information.

Now that will be subjective per person... But for me it's really simple... A lot of info to process but makes the most sense..

I believe in science and the information it provides for the reality we live in. I do not believe any man made diety exists, our history explains this all. The collective history of humanity, so far we are the only species to decimate a good part of this planet but I don't really seeing the universe give a shit about that let alone some cosmic all powerful do nothing voyeur. My life has gotten better for it.

You get to taste a part of consciousness that seems to be addicting and will unlock this ability to build and build... I'm almost there and I can't wait.. 

Take the world around you and drink it up.. then create forever..

depression

 So it seems there's a bit of the ol depression trying to kick in at the moment... Sitting at a bus stop and I want to cry... Just because..

Not happy about the situation.. despite knowing... Knowing I know better??

Is is cyclical... Is it something in my control?? 

I can't escape from my thoughts.. from knowing the futility of everything... I find myself reasking why.. despite having been here before and answered myself.. 

Why... I'm mean I can give a decent explanation.. but not caring about that at the moment..

I find myself once again not wanting to go on.. sigh...47... WTF.. exasperation...tires.. so tired.. 

And I hate having to talk myself off the ledge so to speak.. again.. and again.. and again..

Chemical Discrepancies

Mentally a rough day...

I dropped my rpg game for the day..

video time with g-kids was lack luster...

I know things are sorta crappy.. crappy.. I hate to put a label on something that really is a matter of perspective.

Eating to feel better but not feeling better when I eat... or drink... or smoke..

and I know those things won't truly make me feel better...

what is it that is bugging me aside from the usual... I don't think I'd be any better if I did have $$$$ to burn.. but then again... no it wouldn't because $$$ won't fix the shit in people's heads... 

 

why is there such a big disconnect with things.. physical/mental.
 

I'm tired today... tired of feeling like crap(?).... feeling like it's all a rinse and repeat or rinse and repeat till it's forces you to change how you rinse and repeat..

 

I learned to adapt with the change in my life... but I feel like this constant change is maybe driving me insane.. but constant change is life.. change is life.

I had some disconcerting thoughts earlier... thoughts that I wished hadn't popped in my head. 

Today was an off day...expectations.. personal expectations about what I can and cannot control..

I'm tired.. If I had a choice I wouldn't wake up and I'd sleep forever.

The energy and motivation to do things is just not there today.

 

a big part of me today just doesn't fucking care.... and that bugs me.

 

I want to cry right now...  I'm tired of this constant struggle to want to live.. this constant struggle just to live.. 

Even trying to think of good things make me not feel good. Never seeing any fucking end to things... the work.. the day to day mundacity of living... 

I find myself arguing with myself about things that I can't even write down at the moment.. because I don't feel like... 

Spend more money on weed.. not spend more money on weed. I'm over it.. so over it.. 

tired.. I want to sleep.. even though I did a decent amount of sleeping already today..

 

and tv isn't cutting it anymore.. books?

Trudging on...

 adversity is always there even when you think things are good... it's just waiting for the moment. The stings and pricks that life throws... the bumps.. bruises.. cuts.. scrapes.. broken bones... heartache.. again and again... and it seems to get worse as you get older... or am I the only one for that.. I doubt it.

Talked with X today.... it's didn't end well and I'm not doing to well from it... 

I'm trying to wade through the... it's completely beyond my control to why can't I control any of this motion... I

I'm struggling with the idea... how much do I take this personally.. how much do I "fret" over the call.. I wasn't happy.. I noticed myself talking for most of it and realizing that he's not answering questions to satisfaction. Generalizations... generalizations will get me asking questions.. not being specific.. he was heading in that direction.. 

I kept pressing.. he got flustered.. I don't relate well to others.. i have poor communications skills.. 

I'm finding myself wanting to hide... depression came screaming in for a bit.. and it's been a bit of a hassle to contend with.

The Killing Jar

Siouxsie

1983.. 1984.. Happy House & Christine were the first songs I heard...

1985... The Cure.. Bauhaus... and more enter the picture...

This song though... this song is fucking nostalgic heroin... this whole album... 1988...

 

Warehouse Records...

 

Cringe Hinge

 Talk about wanting to die and crawl under a rock.. damn Becky those posts were cringey. My old ones that I'd just perused over from other blogs...

Huevos con tamales

 so quick snack/brunch?

Did the eggs shirred... or cottage style.. sorta G Ramsey style... 

too much Hvy cream forced me down that road... bueno none the less.. very rich... even with the guacasalsa... 

Is that stress in the corner of my mouth I sense?

mayhaps...

hmm.. Dwell.. what do I dwell on.. things outside of my control? Things in my control? What's in my control? How do I know I'm in control of those things? From what I know I'm a chemically driven meat sack dominated by biological conditions and meeting them.

want to smack myself... frequently

 So I wonder if the good mood is part getting back into working out mood or the possible Japan trip I have forming in my mind...

I was also thinking about the issue of poverty.. it's not just a individual aspect of poverty but the country aspect or nation that subverts it's government for capitalism. Now look at what we have..  instead of reaching for peace, we reach for weapons....  The only way we can have any sort of better world seems to violate our biology