Saturday, November 28, 2020

all sorts of irritated

 Im beyond agitated at the moment...

Im guessing it's something with my situation... My kids.. and the world..

Depression is creeping in along with anger and apathy. Feeling powerlessness about everything... I wonder if being here in CM is having some sort of triggering effect..

Where I am compared to 30+ years ago.. fuck has it been that fucking long.

Sleep gave me fucked up dreams about P... Why do I feel so alone...and why do I seemingly want to have people around me and push them away at the same time..

It's been since last Mon since I smoked... One hit of acid left that I want to save.. but not sure if it's degrading or not.. 

Grumble grumble

Friday, November 27, 2020

positivism

 I've lived a life of negative bullshit based on my upbringing and sadly took longer than I'd have liked to get to where I am now.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gAYLKvUeWNo 

Wanting to be better and I'm so overwhelmed with a sense of encouragement from many voices I've heard these past few years.. past decade(?).


How long have I been searching for what I hear here... A honest discussion on life and how to be a better person.

Saturday, November 21, 2020

lack of choice!!

The sapiosensual boredom drives me..I want to do something.. but c'est la vie.


The fun that was there in craigslist is now gone.. the last remnants of what was once free.. or atleast for a brief time.


Question it all!?!?!



it's all a temporal circle jerk

 Seriously, this rinse repeat itirative bullshit.. that is evolution.. rinse repeat.. give an illusion to change.. but those who speak differently... Not some kook non sense.... 

Its not a are they reading my thoughts because they already know it, as we've been part of the biggest social experiment of all time.. life. The data as we type being calculated and percentagized... But the abstract thoughts are just bits and bytes..

 

Im only inside hear..here..her..er.

 

 

 

am I just an abstract thought..

 Am I just an abstract thought..


And this is why I do drugs kids..


LSD.. KSPC spinitron..

Spiderweb

 If you view learning as a spiderweb.


First the spider builds it's support foundation, then it continues it's journey of learning, building the rest of the web, about the topical foundations and their branch disciplines. All while being exposed to the elements, some times needing to rebuild.


Sometimes life gets in the way or throws a rock through your web. Review and rebuild foundations periodically as new information presents itself.

Thursday, November 19, 2020

conduct

 How one should do things...

 

Do you care how I vote?

Do you care how I line up in a line?

Do you care how I drive?

Do you care how I tie my shoes?

Do you care how I brush my teeth?

Wipe my ass?

 

Should there be a specific way one should do any of these? Why?



Wednesday, November 18, 2020

Eval

 So one of the things I need to develop or something.. is a evaluation mechanism of sorts.. process.. of said progress.. I need to develop actual skills at this point. I need to read more..

Lots of fucking reading do I have to do.. that's the only way to be engaged... 


Digest books... re read..


How do you know that you've addressed a question... ask.

I have to ask. 

I have to get engaged... hurdle. Fuck is that a hurdle..


Damn that soup was good tonight.. chicken & rice.. I think some smoked paprika.. that ginger one.. thai I think.. hhmmm.

Friday, November 13, 2020

GIGO

Garbage In

Garbage Out


Filter what comes in your life otherwise you'll have shit floating around in your brain.

Self discovery in music is fucking wierd....

 So I was looking for information on the Wavy Gravy The Conspiracy Stomp Benefit concert for the Chicago 8.


And stumbled on fucking shiny eye candy for me...


This album called Wavy Gravy... it's is nothing but delicious weirdness for my ears.. I LOVE IT!!


https://www.discogs.com/Various-Wavy-Gravy/release/387862


Only to discover that this album is probably the sample source for a majority of My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult. 


I'm on this really weird euphoric high at the moment.. I wasn't looking for this.. but this is one of those moments where I get to connect the dots so to speak to something that but all intents & purposes is absolutely useless overall.. but there is this "thing" about being able to connect something to another in ones life. 

 

There are a number of songs that I always get up and dance to...

Thrill Kill Kult and Gruesome Twosome being the ones in particular that have triggered this moment of.. HOLY SHIT.. this is where they got the samples for those songs that I like... so that's about it.. and it's fucking bizarro weird because I was not looking for this.

Honestly I generally don't have a fixation or fan interest in the explotation films from the past.. Even growing up with Elvira. I like the SFX but the stories were just meh, though the moron I was I watched most everything back then.


Thursday, November 12, 2020

American Civil Cold War

 So I'm thinking with the way things are currently, they will not be getting betting any time soon.


Even post Biden. It's been years decades generations that have brought us here today. Years of fleecing by corporate America, look at the history. I fully believe we are all slaves under a different system, one that doesn't allow for freedom or choice.

Capitalism requires the sacrifice of the worker, this is plain and simple to see, again look at history.

Yet the capitalist will say but look at the innovation, which is always through the efforts of the majority who reap little if any of the the true value. All assumed surplus goes to one or a few. Behavior studies tell us the outcome on this time and again.

The US is as corrupt if not more than any other nation. 


1 - By keeping the masses improperly educated. Lack of information prevents people from making properly informed decisions.

2 - Propaganda to divide. Propaganda alone is divided into numerous ways, either through groups that share a common ideology or set of tenets, media, etc. It becomes infectious and spreads through the common social structures of those people.


Centrists, centrists are probably the ones I have a hard time with, because they come across as seeming rational but are nothing more than sophists in my opinion.

 

(thoughts coming in.. not necessarily solid positions - more though experiments)

Freedom to ruin your life... no, because it's not just your life you are affecting.

What was the point of the enlightenment? Aside from something that I think Socrates and others before/after (before the Church age) had come to this point of self exploration via thought process alone.

Yet when you have a planet full of anxious apes...


anxious about a call with my daughter later.. so bad with words and putting my thoughts down, never seem to get it out in one fell swoop..


I get a point that I latch on to and then run off with that...






Tuesday, November 10, 2020

Japanese Whispers - The Cure

Gonna say this is probably one of my favorite albums from them....

Disintegration, Head On the Door, Kiss Me, The Top... most everything Bloodflowers and before.. but the more minimal sound is probably my fav..

Monday, November 9, 2020

beaten down

 The burden of anxiety and depression are like water eroding a mountain. Then the days when old foundations are no more.

I don't want to move forward... I feel like I'm here again.. like I've mentally fortified a position thinking I'm actually doing something...


Death is on my mind.. destruction... Imploding.. ceasing to exist... 


I feel like every thing about ve worked towards these past months was for naught.

I know this moment is not a permanent situation but I don't care.. I do care.. I don't care.. I do..

Sissyphus

What's the point if my mind requires something unobtainable... An answer that satisfies and helps me.

Rinse and repeat...

I'm barely hanging on at the moment.. 

It's not easy to push forward when your in a desolate swamp of misery.

Friday, November 6, 2020

Adversity

 This.. holy shit this.


I'm an avoider and I'd go so far to say that a good majority of people are as well. We don't want to deal with our own issues. We are lazy by nature and generally told taught to avoid danger or dangerous situations.


So how does the brain recognize a situational scenario with other people  involved that gets one to "avoid (fight/flight)" versus a subconscious one? How does the brain process this? 


what are the mechanisms or drivers behind generalized perception of avoiding or not being self aware emotions?


Societal conceptions.. based on region, sex/gender, religion, etc. Nature/Nurture impacts on the likely hood of behaviors...

Wednesday, November 4, 2020

Core fundamentals

 I need to come up with a fundamentals on life type thing.. starting with how one can using only their brain come to determine what is more truthful than not.


Training for a BS detector...

Anime Psychology/Philosophy

 weird thought...

there seems to be a disconnect in movies/anime/media about groups of people..

that is.. certain genres typically involving one where the protagonist is on a path of development and has a group of friends and/or enemies along the way.

Primarily in the sense that when they are about to face danger there's this moment where they question the motives and strengths of one or others or a group.. yet later on they abandon this principal (it's obvious gate-keeping and hypocrisy) of looking out for each other to satisfy individual needs and selfish goals.

 

Re-watching Hunter Hunter and damn Gon is a fucking fascist in green shorts, very Hugo Boss there Gon.

Parenting - Chores

 So I was thinking while I was washing dishes about chores and children and it dawned on me a kick ass way to bond with your kids... sadly I thought of this now after my children are well past that phase of listening to parents. Some are new parents...


So if you want to "give" your children responsibility it has to be built up, this is the bonding that all parents should do. Include you and yourself with the chore, for example this is the number one  thing that'll make you have a very long and open relationship with them and yourself... This is one of those things that I think will help with a healthy relationship especially on bonding..


Dishes. We all do them and we all hate it. 

As the parent you'll primarily be doing the dishes while your child assist's in some capacity, drying is a good one. Have them clear the table, however they need to clear the plates of food debris, and also wipe down (you should be sweeping). Keep their tasks minimal, gradually teaching them how to wash or sweep. Then at some point you let them do the majority or take turns as long as it's fair and reasonable.

Keep this up till they move out. You now have a great HALLMARK fucking moment... more than once.

Cleaning rooms, bathrooms, yard work, you ALL participate. Sadly this was not what was taught to me and only learned it now.


garbage

 Frustration Aggravation etc

I need to calm down.. focus on myself.. because I can't change society and this planet is hopeless..


Tuesday, November 3, 2020

Conformists & Non Conformists

 The easiest way for me to convey this...


Conformists are the majority of the world, it's the non conformist that is remembered as the pioneer of curiosity.


Religion being the main oppressor of non conformity, as shown throughout history. Freethought has always been oppressed by the masses, it's the biggest hypocrisy of the masses.

There are numerous examples, and a Sapolsky course will make it all clear... if you're science savvy.


I question the reported on stories about religion being a benefit but I must admit that is more than likely my bias and will continue to "attempt" to not let it influence me. I don't question the science about it, (or is that what I'm doing precisely??)

So religion is a human invention and one of many customs that we have carried forth for who knows how when?? I see the cultural and anthropological and human behavior aspects, and mesh that with today... I'm severely lacking in some areas more than likely, but I don't think I'm far from the target. This is not me pulling shit outta my ass... 


Religion was the first human custom! Tribal superstitious beliefs which is why it's so ingrained into us..

Monday, November 2, 2020

No cure for the troubled mind that is restless and fearful....

 aside from learning the age old practice of mindfulness and philosophical reasoning.


Had a therapy session today, not as exciting as I hoped it would be. In fact I found it useless in the sense that 90% of the response was what I had already had in mind.


Revisit the techniques and therapies that worked previously. Hmm.. I still would like to avoid a confirmation bias, but I think I already have it. Though she confirmed a majority of what I was saying what I thought where triggers or catalysts.


A few new therapies were suggested.... PMR progressive muscle relaxation seems promising.


Gonna pass on the aromatherapy... thanksgiving is around the corner and so is COOKING!!!