Washington & Alaska

So weird thought came flying through my head....

Should Bernie win the presidency... (one can only hope) and the tea baggers/conspiracy preppers/racist rednecks should go all crazy that would be something.  Not necessarily is that a good or bad thing... it is just something. How things play out in the long run is what is important. I hope it is Bernie... if there is anything i have learned in the past few years is that the best changes in history have always from from the left or liberal side. Only the conservatives are the ones who want to oppress and hold people back.

Read your history.. especially your scientific history. It's all there... those that questioned and used reason and logic have always been persecuted.  Socrates.. Galileo... and others. Those that opposed the yoke of oppression have always been on the more beneficial side of history.

I'm not saying things will be better over night... but it is the course correction that is sorely needed. I must admit since I have come to embrace science and follow it with what it proclaims. To discover the world around us and through observation of the natural surroundings here on Earth determine what is provable through logic and reason.By means of science have we come to where we are and if you actually stop to ponder the nature of humanity and what is possible.

That really is amazing and inspiring. What I do today here and now can make my name last on forever. Though I think through the ages of time I am just but a quark among the infinite of quarks.

In some ways I'm fully convinced this is some sort of computer simulation and the games I play are but a glimpse into said idea. It is frightening... so frightening.. and I feel like there is a thin membrane that separates me from sheer terror on the subject. I've never felt as freaked out about something as I think I am when considering the topic of just being a simulation. It's not like I'm about to piss my pants or something.. it's the frighteningly haunting shadow in the dark corners of my mind that vanish when you pay it attention.

I remember my weed od that one time... where I was convinced Pam was one of them... and a lizard person.. or something to that effect.

There was a moment that I felt like I couldn't move. That I was being held against my will. This was terrifying to me single handed one of the most terrifying moments of my life. To be restrained... not bueno. Not a fan of it.

So this freaks me out from time to time and while it's fanciful idea... it's just that.. an idea, until something comes along and proves it or not.

Answers... always looking for answers

Socrates is thought to have started it all... then with Plato.. Aristotle... to the scientific revolution and to today.

We have come from living in an age of hearsay, superstition and non nonsensical explanation for the world around us.

Sadly for me it took till I was in my late 30's to start on that path. I almost want to laugh about it at times if it wasn't so maddeningly frustrating that life really is a matter of discovering for one's own self. So many catchy phrases run through my mind about being shown to the water so to speak. How no matter how much you read or know about something it will always have a different impact on you depending on where you are in your life experiences. 

How far my thoughts have changed since my 20's/30's... stuck in that irrational thought system of religion and it's inability to accurately portray reality for what it is.

Though I must say that even in my current state (just now getting back on meds) that life is what it is.

That everyone's individual experiences are unique to a point but there are so many physiological similarities that is makes being unique difficult to say the least. None of which isn't already exacerbated by the fact of how we grow as humans and the phases we all go through at the bio chemical level.

I've always wondered about why the target demographics for a lot of things (Goods/Services) are always 18 - 45 (ish). Only recently have I come to the answer that you get to a point in your life where none of that crap really matters. You become more wizened in your day to day life of what you accept and what you don't.

Currently I'm stressed beyond my usually capacity... I can feel my body getting more tired as the days go on. To that I hope things get moving and can change for the better. Granted I'm at a loss for what is going to happen should they not... let alone if they should.

This unknown... I'm intrigued and distressed at the same time. It's something that I know I need to move forward on but the unanswered and unasked questions remain.

Never the less I know that I have more answers now then I every did. I never had a single answer from religion... and I now I never will.

All I know is that why after 40 do things start to click? Is it the years of experience or just that I'm reintroducing myself to things I had forgotten? Did I forget them or do they now hold my attention that I want to devour them in one go.

I've been spending a bit of time on not doing as much as I think or would like to. I still find myself stuck in a rut... (being off meds?)

All I know is that I need to change things.. myself especially...

I find that I read/watch things about special unique people and it does inspire me... though it also makes me wonder if I'm being a bit of a weirdo, self absorbed, snowflakey?

I know I day dream a lot... and start things without finishing them... (gate cough cough)

I don't know.... I mean.. I know who I am.. (for the most part - still have a question from time to time)

but it's the other things that get to me.

Mental health is a bitch.. and having mental health issues is a bigger pain in the ass.

Logic... Reason... Critical thinking... this is the cornerstone of modern society. Too often does the human race cherry pick what is needed for the moment vs. the long term of things. C'est la vie

Yeah... need to get back on the meds and back on track. I hate being hear where I am... but then again.

I wonder about a lot of things... lately it has been me and how I deal with others, relationships, etc.

Who I talk to... who I want to talk to.. etc.

I honestly feel like I'm disconnected from everyone... like what I'm thinking is what they are thinking or are capable of thinking... I'm not going to say it's a smart thing.. that's not it.. it's an elevated thinking.. enlightened thinking..

Though I don't want to be pretentious despite that is probably how it comes across...

I've rediscovered my love of all things science... and my thirst for knowledge in all the scientific arenas is still plugging away.

I do know however that I have a number of habits I need to change... and that is going to be a slow boat to china at this time. 

I've been reflecting on my anxiety as of late and how uncharacteristic it is of me in my 20's.... nothing bugged me. Then again I was clueless about things as well....

That was silly.. and other news.

I've noticed I say silly in referring to my "episodes" which is another disingenuous term to say another panic attack filled moment fueled by depression making me want to kill myself. Bi polar.. is another term i may want to include, all of which can only be attributed to my not being on meds any more and the firm clear conclusion that I need to me on them. Which doesn't help knowing that I HAVE to be on meds. Just reinforces this broken mentality I have, even when I'm trying not to. I guess what a hypothesis on the whole experience could be as such...

things were better when i was on meds.. despite me not really knowing how to judge my feelings. Were they a legitimate feeling, chemically induced, or other.

Knowing now what I know... I have to resign to being on meds. Sadly I view this as a defeat at the moment a large part of me was hoping that I would not have to go back on meds. I'm at a point in my thoughts... where I may have to quit other things. At which I throw up the excuse of why should I.. and then I remember things over the past few years and having a hard time with a lot of things.

Though I don't rally want to go into it at the moment.. and besides that... I completely forgot what I was going to say the other news was.

So stressed out at the moment though... Still not where I need to be and I hope things can get better sooner vs. later.... fuck not having insurance.. and what the scam it is today.

Fin

Bullshit

I'm glad I'm high at the moment...

so today I took off early.. left an email and swung by to say I was leaving but no one home.

I get a text about texting before leaving from now on. Then I got a call... what a load of shit.

He really does have control issues...

Fuck that.

It hit me in the past few years.... I no longer think like I once did.

Let me just say that I hit a point in my life where nothing made sense...  and only till recently have I come to a point in my life where I've come to understand who I am... and it was the most awakening experience I have ever had.

And no one knows about it it... well for the most part.

I did tell my brother at one point during one of our talks about how I know who I am and said I was more or less an atheist at that point.

He's about the only one that might have an idea but I don't think he'll be able to convey the more true intentions and reasons behind it.

This link I found lays out more or less what I've gone through to a point... some I've still yet to go through.

Below I have listed 20 signs that prove you have evolved as a person:

1. The Foundation: You know who you are

According to psychological identity theory, there are four stages of identity development. At stage one, you have no identity. You blindly accept whatever ideology or values system was taught by your parents or family members.

At stage two, you begin expanding your social circle, but you passively go with the flow of society without questioning. You lack authenticity and obsess over fitting in and pleasing others. Like stage one: no true identity.

At stage three, you begin to experience an identity crisis. You realize you’ve been faking, copying, and blindly following your entire life. You begin to question your choices and values. This leads you to explore new lifestyles, belief systems, choices, friends, and cultures.

However, at this stage there is little commitment and depth. Instead, it is endless searching for the next thing. Most people are stuck in a perpetual identity crisis. They have no clue who they really are.

At stage four, you have courageously voyaged through your identity crisis and autonomously committed to a particular identity (i.e., ideology, occupation, relational values, etc.). You continue to explore. However, this exploration is grounded on foundational beliefs and a clear sense of who you are and what your direction is in life.

Moving forward, I will define an evolved person as someone who has achieved their identity.

2. You know what you want

As an evolved person, you commit to a certain path in life. You know what you want in life. You have direction. One of Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is—Begin with the end in mind. In all things, there are two creations: The mental creation and the physical creation.

You can design your ideal destiny and consistently move toward it without getting thrown off course—because you’re committed. Endless exploration is over. You’re ready to go deep and far.

3. You feel like you’re where you’re supposed to be

As an evolved person, you feel a higher sense of purpose in your life, like you’ve been guided. You are in the right place and on the right path. This is more than a mere belief—but a spiritual confirmation. You are aligned with your highest self and manifesting the life you were meant to live.

4. You believe you are in control of the outcomes in your life

As an evolved person, you have what psychologist call an internal locus of control. You, not external factors, control your life. You believe you are responsible, and thus have power to create whatever future you want.

5. Your life is set up on your own terms

As an evolved person, you are no longer reactive to other people’s agendas. Every moment of each day is spent doing what you want to do. You are doing the work you love. You are spending time with people you want to be with. You are making the amount of money you want. You are in control of your schedule. Your schedule doesn’t govern you.

6. Your life is more simple

As an evolved person, you have simplified your life. There is an art in slowing down and smelling the flowers. You’re not racing through life. You’re present. You prefer experiences over stuff. You’ve removed everything from your life that distracts you from your highest purpose. Everything in your life makes sense being there. It’s purposeful.


7. Your goals become manifest quickly after you set them

As an evolved person, you are connected to your higher source. You’ve learned how to create the results you want quickly—often instantaneously. You believe it, and quickly you see it. As Ralph Waldo Emerson has said, “Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.”

8. You attract the right people into your life

As an evolved person, you attract the right people into your life. You are moving toward a huge vision and the needed connections and mentors always seem to show up right when you need them. As Buddha has said, “When the student is ready the teacher will appear.”

9. You expect luck/miracles to happen often

As an evolved person, you expect luck and miracles to happen in your life. This is your natural state of mind. Things will work out. Rare opportunities will present themselves. You expect it, believe it, and see it. In fact, from an evolved perspective, miracles are the norm. To not experience miracles frequently in your life shows you’re disconnected from yourself and your higher source.

10. You set aside time every day to ponder and meditate

As an evolved person, you go out of your way to be alone. For example, Sara Blakey, CEO of Spanx, only lives five minutes from her office. However, she purposefully drives an extended 45 minute commute to work simply to provide the time and space to think. This is the same for tons of creatives. They chunk out time every day to ponder, meditate, pray, and reflect. This is where inspiration and breakthroughs happen.

11. You’re highly selective with your time

As an evolved person, you say “No,” to most invitations and opportunities. As Jim Collins has explained in Good to Great, you realize that one-in-a-million opportunities happen every day. You’re not seduced by these distractions. Your time is only spent on things that truly matter to you.

12. You do things everyday to create the future you desire

As an evolved person, you don’t procrastinate action. You’ve moved from dreamer to doer. Every single day is spent actually building the future you want to live in.

13. You feel a gap between yourself and those you used to associate

As an evolved person, you feel a gaping chasm between yourself and the people you used to spend time with. This is perhaps one of the saddest parts of becoming evolved, and one of the hardest. At some point in every evolved person’s journey, they had to disband themselves from people who pulled them down. However, once they did, it wasn’t long before they were nothing like their old friends.

14. You seek change constantly

As an evolved person, you embrace and seek change constantly. You love transformation. You love having your paradigm shattered. You love cultivating new habits. You love engaging in new things that challenge you because you love growth.

15. You find joy in taking risks

As an evolved person, you feel alive when taking leaps of faith. You love that moment when you’re about to do something that utterly terrifies you. You know that you’re attempting something that most people would never consider.


16. You notice truth hidden in everything

As an evolved person, you notice subtle truth and connections in everything, while watching movies, having conversations, driving in your car. Life is your teacher. You are deeply connected to the universe and are sensitive to even the smallest connections and lessons.

17. You’re conscious about what you eat

As an evolved person, you see yourself as a holistic being. Every aspect of your life impacts the whole. Consequently, you are aware that the food in your body impacts your mind, emotions, spirit, relationships, and everything else.

18. You care more about other people—but less about what they think of you

As an evolved person, you care intensely about other people’s wellbeing. However, you no longer care what other people think about you. Other people’s perceptions no longer govern you. As Martha Graham has said, “What people in the world think of you is really none of your business.”

19. You no longer compare yourself with others

As an evolved person, you no longer compare yourself or compete with others. Having a sense of unique identity, you realize that no one else can do the work you are intended to do. You have your own unique mission in life that only you can do. So there’s no reason to copy other people. There is no competition. You are an innovator.

20. You Genuinely want the best for others

As an evolved person, you are happy when other people succeed and sad when other people fail. The success of others is seen as the success of the whole. You genuinely want what’s best for everyone—even those you would consider your enemies. You only have love for every person on earth. No hatred, envy, or guile.

Crazy idea

Well not so much an idea as in a fanciful wondering...

I was really impressed with what Elizabeth Warren said recently in describing the current political climate concerning the GOP.

The country is pretty divided and the right has been drinking heavily from the teat of insanity that is the tea party for awhile now.

With the charged political climate I wonder if one side or the other is ready to start something. Let alone attempt something with the candidates even into the presidency of who ever may win.

Question.. If the idea that the corporation's and or the powers behind said corporation's is what they are portrayed as should we not be concerned?
If nothing happens does that mean it's a false premise?

However I think history would side with the premise.

New appt

So my first appt is slated for 4/18... i'm apprehensive about it.. I know what will be entailed.

Not 100%.. mostly on board.. just not 100% about it.

But let's see..

I'm my own person...

It really is a different mindset...

I don't know how to explain it.... but those that shape the world do so by going their own path.

It's not necessarily about fighting against the system but exploiting it for what it is.

By knowing how people and situations work and taking advantage of that.

It's been pretty bad lately.. the emotional roller coaster of mental bullshit.

It looks like it is going to come back down to needing meds... I don't approve of it.. but know that I have seen enough of the drama I'm done...

conversely.. the more I read and think.. the more that I'm wanting to go my own way.

It really is a do or die moment... but how do I do this?

and that's the pisser... she won't accept any answer.

Why I'll never identify with an ethnic group...

The more things change... they really do just stay the same. I'm twenty years past my youthful days of being idealistic and naive about the world. Though I'm probably still idealistic, my naivety has been tempered into cynicism and reality by years of life' interactions with our fellow man.

I'm at a loss the more I read about how fucking moronic the non-white voters are, but I have to attempt to constrain those initial thoughts with the premise of "what I know others may not and vise-versa".

Though my interaction with others should solidify that though on more ways than one. I don't claim any prodigy like abilities unless self deprecation is something to be lauded. I suffer from depression and I use the term suffer to only highlight the fact of what a shit it has been this past week, but that's not the topic I want to discuss.

I could qualify as a American with Latin origins. My father having been born in El Paso, Tx from which our roots stem from Chihuahua Mx. Supposedly our roots trace all the way to Basque origins in Spain.

I don't speak Spanish so for all intents and purposes I have always identified as white, be what it may.
I grew up in Southern California. I went to suburban schools with mostly white kids, granted my location in Huntington Beach has a small influence of Asians, hispanics, etc...

School was not something I excelled at but wasn't something that I failed miserably at either. As most of my teachers would pen on my report cards, "Has potential", I did manage to score straight A's one semester as a personal challenge, but my "do things my own way" attitude made sure that only happened once. School for me in my mid teens was about "why am I here", despite the somewhat existential tone, it was primarily reflecting on why be in school. I knew school was needed but I always have fought against the powers that be or the establishment if you will.

So when I first heard of Bernie Sanders running for President I was beyond excited after reading about his proposals and how he wanted to make the changes to this country that are sorely needed.

Though as I continue to read about minorities continue to vote for the cunt I'm flabbergasted at the level of stupidity that is rampant within those demographics.

That's where I'm at a loss... and I just have to rack it up to a level of moronic stupidity that just rings true to the idiom on how dumb Americans truly are.