To be better

 I have a have million ways that I could start this.. encouraging, self-deprecating, introspective, expositionally there are a number, but I keep coming back to one.

Being better, not just for me but for others. To have finally come to this point in my life where I know... actually know what I want and that is to be better for not just myself, but more so for my family. Especially the grand kids, something my older self never would have dreamt of in a million years when I was younger.

------

I was going through some old stuff, well not that old, it was a intro writing of something I have no idea as to what it was but I think it was some of my best. In spite it only being 2 paragraphs.  Which reminds me...

Stress

 Weird day today... been feeling super tires as of late.

I think my social battery has been overloaded, g-kids. Which is something I wasn't expecting honestly. I love the bonding time I have with my g-kids, but holy shit I was unprepared in some respects. Now I need to step it up, as I see that there are a number of things that need to happen here. Structure most definitely, consistency the other..

I need to be better than yesterday...

Internet Archive

 Found this weird item of note... Stalking the Nightmare

Seems to be an Aussie thing from the 80's... sorta Night Flight-esque... clips and weird things, with bands, music...

Nostalgic Kick

 So I'm looking through the Internet Archive for clips to piece together for an intro video...

Stumbling on things old and familiar but strange as well. Familiarity with a time long gone and mostly forgotten save the walking dead pop culture icons that should have been buried long ago.

This weird feeling, tinged with this feeling I don't even know how to describe. Nostalgia, reminiscent of an era of ignorance and bliss due to my age...

 

So interesting.. this weird feeling.. indescribable.. nostalgic.. melancholic... there's something else.. a few others that I don't know how to describe.. educational, informative.. but those aren't really feelings..  this inquisitive drive to look at the past and compare.. review.. examine..

rehab

That was one of the most bizzaro dreams I have had in forever..

Somehow ended back in the psych hospital... And didn't want to leave. Then there were people there who shouldn't have been there and had to hide. Escaped down a very long elevator and ended up at an oligarch party of degenerates.

Naked people, old white people and too much coke. 

wrong place wrong time

Weird ass dream of being at a besos party w too many yt degenerates and too much snow... Where the greens?

always the fucking printer drivers

Printer.. scanner.. always a fucking issue w Linux..

Rage inducing at times.. but all's well atm..

Change cont...

 Entertained versus educated...

I firmly believe that most people have no clue as to what their best interest is, nor care to find out let alone have the skills to discern them.

Yet again this is that conundrum that I feel about illusions and what not, if reality is a social construct, and it seems we are led/governed by the worst of humanity. Then what hope is there?

Any serious attempt to wrestle away the power that is will be met with a "final solution" of sorts in my opinion. Power will not give in, it is the most debased and vile as there ever was. 

I'm tired today... felling outta sorts.. think I got sick again. just watching the shit show unfold atm.

Change

 So I've been thinking a bit on this following topic...

Radical change and the steps needed to achieve this.

Words are fucking cheap, fuck are they cheap. They are a dime a dozen from either left, right, or center. Which is also part of my reluctance, on top of laziness, of not seeing things thru. Things - action, impact, real substantive means to have others see the horrors that are here at our doors. Feeling not overwhelmed, but exasperated a bit.

This is one of those things I guess about this reality... about people and situations, their experiences and what motives them.. us.

My reality is not your reality & vice versa.. 

Time to clean house...

Ubuntu

 made the change.. we'll see if this goes or not..

Need a printer cable...

when the man comes around

Purposely using the Johnny Cash song as reference, despite my complete disdain for organized religion. There is this absurdist juxtaposition almost paradoxical aspect about it.

I feel this need to review the teachings of Jesus and look at it a bit more in depth. Counter to all that evangelical education I have experienced.

Maybe something secular about it all, a book or series of lectures.

Maybe even something from a more liberal religious view.

There's something in there I think. Something that can tie the sacred/secular together?? A snipe hunt for a theory of everything in a sense that unites them. Though a full reconciliation is not possible, something could be.

Reality confounds me, the reality of evolution and what is presented. That there is this spectrum for everything. That the in-between is the reality of it all. The mental gymnastics that our brain does to present this reality for us, that is enforced by our environmental experiences.  That drive to be ourself versus that drive to question it all.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=k9IfHDi-2EA&pp=ygUUbWFuY29tZXMgYXJvdW5kIGNhc2g%3D

humanity

So one of the things I have discovered about my humanity and developing my empathy and widening my area of view is understanding & being able to see myself in others. To see other humans and who they are and knowing that there is something that they know that I don't, regardless if I see eye to eye or not. I see myself in both the antagonist and protagonist... 

Though I will admit I struggle with this but in the sense that I know not all have the same experience. There are some who are polar opposites.

today is when it goes barrelling towards the end...

Having to be able to use words of this cumbersome language and knowing that I lack the needed skills to be able to use them effectively and efficiently. I'm not a writer but I need to write. I have to get these thoughts out of my head and on to some fucking medium.  As much as I despise technology I still use it. I have to, the methods of yesterday while still relevant and practical, are not always what one gravitates towards.

How much?

Skill?

Knowledge?

Experience?

Education?

What else am I missing?? 

Wisdom!

And yet while I feel I have and know the answer.. I fight it... 

This game of life that we have to participate in and have no understanding.

Violence rules this world... The most violent liars, murderers, and thieves control this world.

Yet that is what this world is... A spectrum of thoughts and ideas of our own making bound by the laws of nature and those laws are what we call science. The same science that is manipulated by the most violent to serve their needs. They use all of the means available to them, manipulating everything for their own needs.

sources

So I get a bit lazy in my readings, that is I have some internal bias at work where I use cheap sources for news... Primarily AP, NYT, BBC... I do look at DN and Guardian as well, but that's typically if I need a particular flavor to my story.

This one however from the BBC had my scratching my head in wonderer at just what garbage they are as a news source.

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/czj3d4pwlrjo

So I go and do a DDG search and pull up the Al Jezeera article... Soo much more information and a well written article filled with details. Though I am curious about where those materials end up on the market??

https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2024/11/18/south-african-miners-trapped-underground-what-you-need-to-know

MSM Western media is compromised. The notion that you can ride the fence in respect to humanity from a journalistic POV is fucking dumber than those who voted in the to be POS POTUS.

look for broken clocks

A broken clock is right twice a day...

For the longest time I just looked at this one way... That just because some one is right occasionally doesn't mean they should be a trusted source of information.

In my move in phase at the moment, getting over this flu and trying to not loose my shit by being unable to be productive as I'm roadblocked by others. Lack of resources is annoying af.

Watching that Bookie show... Charlie Sheen is giving marriage advice and that's what got me to think that even with all these questionable sources of "truth", it stills remains the truth and that these anomalies when categorized and grouped form a very powerful and unique subset of information that one can use.

For me it just points again... To these observations of life. Those patterns in life that you notice and wonder do others see it?

https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/a_stopped_clock_is_right_twice_a_day#English

dystopian nightmare

There are those so brainwashed that they'll fight to the death to stay enslaved in this capitalist dystopian nightmare.

fuck being sick

Impacting productivity... That is all.

nightmare

You've been sold a nightmare and told it's a dream.

privilege

Privilege is the ability or situation one is in that is significantly and fundamentally different life experience based on ones financial ability, or racial background, and or ones geographical birth place to experience life.

More financially affluent countries tend to have a better standard of living, with usually capitalistic focused democratic governments of a sort, and part of the anglosphere, and or allied with.

Education is a privilege based on availability and community or nation focus towards it. Countries with a high focus on education tend to spend more on it. Education is lesser developed nations have a limited budgets on education, with advanced or college type classes being out of reach for many. Socioeconomics come into play, which also aligns with ones privilege or lack of.

happy

Holy crap... I love being here in spite of the shit show it is...  Yes early.. yes honeymoon.. 

I know if a few things that will hinder all of this..

Food stamps

Physical health.. hip and shoulder issues... Giddy

Things that I can do.. things that are my focus and attention... 

This is what I was hoping to be for my kids... I can actually try it this time.. for the grandkids..

I don't think I can but think I can position.. I don't want to bs myself I know this is not going to be a cake walk.. in the least.. I'm playing against a stacked deck, loaded dice, and a trick wheel.

Life is a gamble one way or another...

The birds of a feather shit... I need to reinvent myself.. a new incarnation.. can I have a phoenix like moment?

Fucking imposter syndrome... I have something I think tho.. for real fo real...

I have to dev it and push it..  myself.. the balanced approach of life, left of center. 

Balancing chaos

What are the key moments that initiate change let alone a desire for change? The curious mind.

I love learning... I fucking hate school but I love learning.. 

How much of college equates or translates to actual degree related employment in said or related field?

Is college just entry level basics of reality and the skills needed to survive?  

The problem with education is that not enough people realize how important it is to survive and thrive cohabitating with a clear science based approach rooted in compassion and the the well being of humanity and seeing the numerous examples of how exploitation is a recipe for extinction.

That being said? Is humanity bound by the curse of evolutionary traits that are required but also detrimental to the whole if humanity. Yet humans rarely learn for lecture alone.. and notwithstanding personal painful experience of all that one does through life.

Education in philosophy, the ability how to think... Not what think are vital skills for all humans capable. To assume that all people can is nothing short of sisyphean. But any idea beyond the now is always sisyphean. 

If I can think it is it possible?

Flying purple pigs??

I will say yes. Just because they currently exist does not mean that in some evolutionary timeline they don't.

While not a part of mine is a reality to say they are not possible seems to violate something in me. Something is in me that seems to indicate that if I can think of it then it is possible in another reality irrespective if it violates this reality. Now here's something? Do the laws of physics apply the same in every other possible reality or do they vary as well? So whatever could be imagined could always have a bajillion different variations, again akin to the spectrum wave length... 

Do waves that we measure in the standard model are they subject to the wave function in quantum physics? Are they related and I am missing details?

How waves intersect... 

modern society

MSM portrays a skewed bastardized version of reality, in which it showcases the privileged their realities, which then becomes a distorted view only few can obtain.

only so much

Tit for tat

There is a line that will be crossed at some point...

commentary current events

I would say it seems irresponsible to ignore the rise in chatter on facist groups and the like.

Fascists groups which has existed as long as fear itself. As long as ignorance is rampant and unchecked.

I have no pretense or illusionment to think that what I say or do will make a fucking difference, no matter the effort. As we are in a fixed progression of time. The interests I have are a progression of instances and circumstances, only fueling themselves for us to be here today. Free will is an illusion, regardless I will "assume" to progress towards that flame like a moth.

The illusion that hate and love can conquer one or the other. Light, darkness ... Take your choice of whatever example paints that picture for you.

Reality is contrasts, one cannot exist without the other. Unless humanity is removed.

The aggressiveness of the violent right vs pacification of the capitulating left.

The eternal struggle... Those who want to fight for their existence are either light or dark.. ignorant or knowing..

reality

A series of progressive moments slowly changing realities and coming to term with them.

Choices along the way.. good.. bad.. indifferent?

Neither, they are choices that had to happen in the past for the present to be possible. How to change that?? Better yourself.

Identify. Analyze. Adjust.

Rinse. Repeat. Life is never ending.. know it, learn it, live it.. change is a constant and so should you be. Always adapting. Knowledge gets adapted over time by repeating the new information in manageable quantities and types.

Identify. Analyze. Adjust... Knowledge.. questioning if the new data helps, hinders, or other?? Identify. Analyze. Adjust. RnR.. life is a journey. Take your time.. or not. Your pace.

 It takes time to build a fire in the swamp. You have to figure out a lot.

2 big

To big to fail was the democrats trickle down reaganism.

There are rarely any good politicians. Who pays them?? Follow the money. Quid pro quo.

weird one

So here's a weird thought atm

I feel like capitalism started when civilization started. It required this false sense of hoarding resources would create stability, in some ways it does but I get the impression is another illusion.

Yes the words are a skewed again. Weird idea.

So the early thoughts of I'm too lazy to do anything outside of using violence are foundational for capitalism. Imo

Those early human groups getting tired of wandering around, same month after month, year after year wanderings finally culminating into civilization. Eventually enough civilizations take root around the globe.. the systems of violence are in our dna, it's how our ancestors survived. Eventually one learns tactics and strategies, either formally or informally, then again maybe they don't.

We are in present day where both direct forms of violence and informal forms of violence dictate the world. They are a fundamental.

So the question remains, the only way to curb violence is how? More violence? Love? What?

Is this a mathematical equation? Use the most extreme versions? What for your paranoid enemy to strike first?? Lie, cheat, & deceive??

So how does one know if they are being lied to? Deceived? Cheated?

Where was that class in school?

The propaganda used by the US for decades through non documented agreements on the media to pushed to the American public. Patriotism... Next to religion, one of the most insidious. Religion being the first and worst propaganda to have been birthed. A practice wired into our dna, to see signs and meanings through the faceted lens of ignorance, via our earliest bronze age myths & stories to subjugate one another. Continues to enslave and befuddle the masses, geographically locked in traditions and customs most likely unable to escape.

em

That rat faced knuckle dragging cum eating hairless monkey or is it ass haired monkey?

this is. the difficult observations

Chatty Cathy..

Fuck I can be a long winded sob

Which is why I am attempting to condense this shit.. not easy. There are a number of disciplines that one needs to look at are there not.. no one source.. book has the answer.. and even an encyclopedia is written in a manner.. not a deceitful one hopefully. With sources to follow up on.. that the treasure.. the treasure to sift and purify... What are the other contemporaries?

Don't rest on those sources alone.. continue to dig.. and dig.. to get a more complete picture. Each day is different from yesterday, no two are alike. Understanding evolution.. change is a constant and those most adaptable are more likely to survive... These are currently acceptable beliefs to form a foundation around.. looking for other beliefs that take a similar approach... Taosim... Be like water.. 

There's a line from a John Carpenter movie that is forever ingrained that even at 51 I'm using to reference. The bit about the Chinese buffett and how humanity picks and chooses.

That is essential in my summation of what science has demonstrated again and again with evidence supported around the world.  For me there's this confidence I haven't had in forever. A complete tear down and re evaluation of everything. Myself, what I assume to believe, reality. So why does this sound like an evangelical sermon? Street preaching... 

It's not that I'm not aware.. that's been a concern of mine for a while... That there are polarized sides to everything..

That is reality.. it takes a prescribed process to achieve certain results. Typically one that is time dependent.

There is no rushing the process.. 

philosophical adventure

An adventure of life 

Big moments in time are gateways to subversive thought and to critical thinking..

Music is a gateway to counter culture.. well counter culture type music.. pop/top 40 not so much.

Music that talks about the human struggle and the systems that make it so. Usually the capitalist system exposed.

The uninitiated and ignorant path of following the herd and it's futile struggle.

Continue to try remedy after remedy for answers...

The wisdom of the fool and the sage are one.