currently struggling with existence at the moment...
I've come to this existential aspect in my life that the anhedonia is just winning at this point.. when I find that I need to alter my reality to enjoy things or think that these things help enjoy events or situations even more. I have nothing going on at the moment, no prospects of any kind and my drive to do things is being squashed due to me not giving a fuck in some if not most aspects of daily living... this is where I struggle, there are things I go out of my way to accomplish in the day.. the little bit of cleaning, or self maintenance or other things I feel compelled to do. I see the struggle that is around me, that I must participate in and say no. This is not something I want, I don't want to be subjugated to other people's bullshit. To other people's ignorance, to their greed, to their oppression for their own sake.
Yet this seems to be a cycle that is inescapable... or so this is what history seems to tell me. I get this impression that humanity can never do what is right for humanity. That any instance becomes corrupted and adulterated by conspiring influences.. a few bad apples.
Are fictional stories of hope pipe dreams? Am I so cynical and jaded to my own past that it is all I can see in this world? You are what you eat... and yet there is this bit of hope in me... yet even I question that as I question this reality that is filled with nothing but what seems to be illusions...
this living hell.
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