disassociation

 discombobulated

 

woke up this morning not wanting to feel alive... tired of the day to day maintenance of living.. yet I did my friday shit and about to go do my other needed activities to maintain this fucking existence.. 

days I feel excited, other days i question all this reality and why do i bother... but it's funny how there's this societal normalcy of what is and should be vs what is "bad". That survival is essential, that existing is preferred, that questioning the absurdity of reality is something to be frowned upon. Accepting one's lot in life... that it is insanity to argue against it. The physiological, psychological, communal needs of humanity that exist being the absurdity of it all... the totality of existence of what we must do to survive...

I was thinking about the book Conquest of Bread and the authors arguments against competition had me thinking about the evolutionary aspects of competition and what the dis/connect may be. The aspects of humanity that document and write about these injustices that humanity inflicts upon itself, of how some try to argue for the ability of humanity to use logic and reason, but such notions seem to be the outlier. That even in the worst of situations even the most moral may be forced to do unspeakable acts.

 

Am I questioning my sanity, what does knowing things even mean - that is does it just create a never ending cycle of discovery with no perceptible action. analysis paralysis...

 

These illusions always and ever present... those who see things differently...  yet how has humanity actually changed? We continue to oppress ourselves, always changing the words and the means, always behind ignorance and fear, power unrelenting..

The chemicals I take in to achieve a sense of humanity that then throw the natural state into imbalance.. yet I'm always doubting everything, and falling victim to my own whims by my own dysfunctional rhythms...