natural remedies

Trying to convince through reason and logic to those who oppress (politicians, CEOs, etc.) the masses is the equivalent of using homeopathy to treat cancer.

lack of empathy?

 I struggle accepting my own brokeness.. my faults i am aware of I can barely tolerate and yet there ones i am unaware of...

even being entertained by anime and manga and other juvenile-esque forms of story telling, there are certain characters I really can't stand... the dead weight useless characters or one's who are so beyond my ability to allow/accept whatever character flaws they have that are their basis... what makes them that character...

fuck gohan... and his whiney ass.

sucking in air

 currently struggling with existence at the moment...

I've come to this existential aspect in my life that the anhedonia is just winning at this point.. when I find that I need to alter my reality to enjoy things or think that these things help enjoy events or situations even more. I have nothing going on at the moment, no prospects of any kind and my drive to do things is being squashed due to me not giving a fuck in some if not most aspects of daily living... this is where I struggle, there are things I go out of my way to accomplish in the day.. the little bit of cleaning, or self maintenance or other things I feel compelled to do. I see the struggle that is around me, that I must participate in and say no. This is not something I want, I don't want to be subjugated to other people's bullshit. To other people's ignorance, to their greed, to their oppression for their own sake.

Yet this seems to be a cycle that is inescapable... or so this is what history seems to tell me. I get this impression that humanity can never do what is right for humanity. That any instance becomes corrupted and adulterated by conspiring influences.. a few bad apples.

Are fictional stories of hope pipe dreams? Am I so cynical and jaded to my own past that it is all I can see in this world? You are what you eat... and yet there is this bit of hope in me... yet even I question that as I question this reality that is filled with nothing but what seems to be illusions...

this living hell.

the war within

Are my desires of wanting to do or be more at odds with something I am not aware of or is it something I'm aware of but not wanting to confront?

My current despondent and depressed state of my reality, am I truly at the whims of the universe? Do I enable my dysfunctionality? Am I my own worst enemy? That last one was a bit rhetorical and moot. 

These months of lawlessness and freedom unrestrained and unfettered have me questioning my inabilities of myself. Do I make excuses? Do I prevent myself from my own wants? Do I need to let go of things that while comfortable and familiar are they beneficial? 

My adhedonia, does it fuel misanthropic thoughts? 

I find myself back at a familiar crossroads of shutting in and shutting out... This distaste I have for society and the machinations it does to itself in its various controlling and propagandist ways through all its means and most especially via social media. The unfettered destruction of humanity in the guise of choice and freedom and democracy all the while a handful of corporations own everything, pulling the strings from behind a miasmic veil of death and deciet. 

disassociation

 discombobulated

 

woke up this morning not wanting to feel alive... tired of the day to day maintenance of living.. yet I did my friday shit and about to go do my other needed activities to maintain this fucking existence.. 

days I feel excited, other days i question all this reality and why do i bother... but it's funny how there's this societal normalcy of what is and should be vs what is "bad". That survival is essential, that existing is preferred, that questioning the absurdity of reality is something to be frowned upon. Accepting one's lot in life... that it is insanity to argue against it. The physiological, psychological, communal needs of humanity that exist being the absurdity of it all... the totality of existence of what we must do to survive...

I was thinking about the book Conquest of Bread and the authors arguments against competition had me thinking about the evolutionary aspects of competition and what the dis/connect may be. The aspects of humanity that document and write about these injustices that humanity inflicts upon itself, of how some try to argue for the ability of humanity to use logic and reason, but such notions seem to be the outlier. That even in the worst of situations even the most moral may be forced to do unspeakable acts.

 

Am I questioning my sanity, what does knowing things even mean - that is does it just create a never ending cycle of discovery with no perceptible action. analysis paralysis...

 

These illusions always and ever present... those who see things differently...  yet how has humanity actually changed? We continue to oppress ourselves, always changing the words and the means, always behind ignorance and fear, power unrelenting..

The chemicals I take in to achieve a sense of humanity that then throw the natural state into imbalance.. yet I'm always doubting everything, and falling victim to my own whims by my own dysfunctional rhythms...

 

 

ringfinger

Aside from the NIN song

I used to roll my wedding band all the time... I still find myself doing that from time to time...

I wonder why... 

Over this land land... Over this wasteland... Hums in my ears currently.. here I go doing these things again that I have done many times before... These things of routine of knowing of comfort in some respects..

cleaned up and ready to have fun

Christian Death night... Ross tribute at Wenzday's

I have a bit of a story there.. but not really..

while I do have other stories around the music vs his Premature Ejaculation moment at Jet's...

I think that candy is kicking in.. also the alcohol.. 

I find myself in my SQUIRREL moment at present...

I was thinking about this supposed book I'm trying to write... how to actually start it off.. what is it about what is it not about...

it's about me and how I see things and my story.. it's everything and nothing..oh yeah I think this chocolate is kicking in..

I have that lsd taste in the back of my throat... that sorta metallic taste.. so tonight should be fun... not BAD!!!

even with nap i still feel tired... I'm feeling like this rinse repeat  day after day shit is getting a bit old.. but then again why do i feel like this?? what is that about humanity where some can do the day after day shit.. I get the survival aspect, but the monotony of it all... that what I can't deal with.. and I got that fucking moth that's been in my room... grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

 

I think I'm fairly hydrated but I could be wrong.. that's the other thing.. the dry mouth feeling.. and tummy issues... we'll see.. yep feels like hallucinogenics... 

storytelling

The minutiae that is used to propel the story along... The tide bits that make up the characteristics of the elements that drive it along... The trials... Tribulations.. 

The connections from part A to part B... These forced condensed elements that are just crap in my opinion.. which makes me ask why do I see it like this... Is it just the weakness of the medium..