once again

How in the fuck is my default blog changing...

Going to post and finding my blog of choice not my blog of choice .. harumphf

Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables

 When I was about11 maybe 10, my brother had a cassette with the following bands on it; Dead Kennedy's, Suicidal Tendencies, and I can't remember if it was the Vandals or Black Flag as well. Thing is punk was everywhere even in the suburbs back then. Hell Vandals are an OC band...

I used to have the military jacket the army type, canvas, solid green. The ones you'd see in most war films... I know that doesn't help.

Anywho... I remember being a kid and writing band names on it, I had this skull with a spiked hawk on it I think.. sooooo long ago. There was a hat I had in 6th grade that I wrote band names on as well. Flock of Seagulls.. and BT's... which stood for bong tokes. The funny thing is I don't think I had smoked just yet when I wrote this on the hat. Though it certainly got the older kids (my bro's age) giggling.

1983... I want to say that's the time frame so it would be 10.. but more likely 84.. thing is I think I was in Fullerton at this time..just before El Toro..

I would come back to writing band names on a jacket when I was 17/18...  that black fleece lined levi jacket i had... japanese Bauhaus.. sister's logo.. xymox? and don't know what else the cure maybe.. soooo long ago.. things I recall but just vaguely..

DK was a staple on KROQ... Holiday in Cambodia was played.. California Uber Alles... Viva Las Vegas..

11:01 on a Sunday night...

 I was thinking of what I needed to do for tomorrow. Grocery bullshit mostly, and then thought of how I did ok (maybe better than ok - I suck at positive self assessments) with this bit o'melancholia as of late... 

- side note.. I've noticed I get a bit worked up around the big lotto jackpots.. I know there are a lot of biological-synaptic occurrences going on as they relate to the "anticipation of things" and despite knowing this still get a big despondent that I have to work like the rest of the prole.. FUFUFUCCCKKK

so there's that. Needless to say I had to medicate myself in multiple ways.. which I'm not really a fan of. I don't like long recovery times these days... shrooms is a day or two.. alcohol I can usually pace myself not to be belligerent drunk hungover as all hell the next day. Not to say I won't drink that night, I just know how to pace myself.. more or less. Other recreational items as they come... or are available.. not nearly as fun these days.

Weed is the current things that helps to keep me sane atm.. but again I will question this till the cows come home. I firmly believe (until proven otherwise) that there's the combo of nature and nurture, genetics & environment - but most importantly the lack of a stable structural foundation needed for ones live.

The thing is... I see the current world for what it is.. the totality of human evolution to date.. I have the big picture (is that an illusion?) from what I can tell science provides.. 

The WILD careless recklessness of humanity's self discovery through the ages must be domesticated, and until that happens you will not have any lasting meaningful change. Then again I also think this is a simulation of a sort.. that we are programmed to fulfill our programming.

That's the Eastern philosophy/culture influence (my guess) around destiny and fate and chance and luck. Coupled with modern science thought as well...

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/are-we-living-in-a-computer-simulation/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Simulation_hypothesis

And a quick skim tells me I need to read more on this... part of me wants to go "FUCK THAT if Elon likes it!"

What I miss...

 When movies and television were bereft of cgi.

on a side note...

I'm trying to remember this cheesy movie from the 90's, it was this cult flick about a young couple and there zany young couple adventure. Filled with sex, drugs, and rock & roll. I think it had the word blue in the title.. but I can't find it on the internet atm.

are our times what we need

So you'd have to be very unaware and or disconnected from reality for the 99% of us who do the actual work that makes this planet run..

Started with every country outside developed ones, because well that's where the developed countries have set up shop. We just finalize end products.

I'm no fan of our current societal systems that put a stranglehold on humanity actually being free instead of surviving in this dystopian hell scape because, well... We've built it up to here, continuously fighting against the corruption that is humanity.  

So there's this concept in evolutionary thought called punctuated equilibrium.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Punctuated_equilibrium

I have this running idea that just as we are bound by the constraints of evolution so to is what we do in life. Long periods of stasis disrupted by sudden change.. how we adapt is another story.

took me long enough

 So this is something that I think is where I'm at... that is to say have you asked yourself what do i want to do, what is it that drives me to want to do things...

I like to help.. why the fuck do I like to help.. I liked volunteering... some places were a bit more gratifying than others but all in all volunteering was what helped me mentally...

but that's volunteering.. running a business is not volunteering... however i think there are some related correlations that could be enough to qualify for me to want to do it more than the other shit I have been doing...

how the fuck

Tried to post something and it went to a diff blog..

not that word

So it "bothers" me that I have to do drastic shit to effect change.. but I think that's reality..

Feeling like shit and really want to die...

And resorting to alcohol to change mood somewhat... But figure I'm going out.. clubbing that is!

Good choices yet again...

Pace yo'self! Hydrate! Think of the pain tomorrow brings.. plan!

a doctor and cancer

 2 stories..

I'm really wanting to find better descriptors for this moron from the bar last night who I'm just unable to process that shit for.. I mean I get it.. I get the HEAR ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY OPINION...

 

Just absolutely cannot deal with those people...

 

and today reading about an oncology doctor killing her baby and herself...

 

I'm thinking what level of fucked up you get to where that's your choice... I'm talking about look at all the bullshit you had to get through to get to being a doctor in NYC...  that's a one of those ones that makes you empathize/sympathize with on how they got to that choice.

fomo keeps me alive

I was mentally jerking into the ether about my unconscious conscious efforts at psycho analyzing Pam's short comings once again... why do I continue to look at that ... What is it about my inferiority that I dwell on her as I do...

Is it some fakatka cursed reverse tsundere situation? I'm not attracted or again is it this "life's an illusion" bullshit that I'm contending with...

So I was saying fomo keeps me alive... Because the more I look at it - life that is (is reason a coping mechanism) and see the illusions that are forced upon this reality, it's a feature not a bug. The evolutionary forces to survive... Why. Considering the bittersweet actuality as it is.

Coping mechanisms...  Considering the 4 Fs... What are the supporting behaviors?? Are there pre cursor behaviors... I know the brain starts well ahead of when we think we are aware...

Road map... It's always a reaction to the environment...  I should finish that Tolle book.. but I'm a bit turned off at it atm... 

Thinking hard... Not wanting to be an echo chamber... I need to develop my people skills... I dislike people in general... 

Baby lizard 🦎

change

I was thinking about the stress as of late... The number of changes .. and then it sorta hit me..

When I've been in these situations before.. and had a job I weathered it out... Not working.. declining health..

Any change these days seems to set me off... Fuck anything sets me off or could... Sets me off.. mentally in a spiral...

The fact I need to change PCPs has me upset ...

But it's ever present... Trying to ignore shit is getting difficult...  I hate these aspects of my particular humanity... The want to be near and away people at the same time... I don't know how to relax around others... What does one do in the company of people they'd rather not be around but sorta maybe I don't know...

Soo many topics...

So I needed that little walk...

I first wanted to lament my problems and was struggling on how insignificant that was... The got on this other thought about if there exists a perfect answer is there also a perfect imperfect answer . Which lead to extremes and polarized topics of thoughts... So that lead me to ask a Google question and now I'm here in Xenia paradox and the one of dichotomy...

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zeno%27s_paradoxes

Is reality just that... Evolution is this mechanism in which we suffer for no discernable reason or one that is readily available... Let alone one that is comprehensible.  

So are we in some sort of I'm trying to fix the light bulb lois situation?

Reality is what you make it... 

Though you are a product of genetics and environment... But is that part of the broader program aka reality. The trauma we experience and mete out on others... I regret my actions... It's not something I am proud of at all.. I struggle with seeing the value in myself let alone others... I am not a cheerleader so to speak.. I do not have a nurturing aspect... But I have gone out of my way to help others.. though I know I keep others at bay.. constantly... I don't do interpersonal relationships... I get too neurotic..

is that why old people don't go out..

That every old song reminds me them of a moment, so if you don't want to be triggered then don't go out...

Holy shit... I have to think if songs NOT TO PLAY otherwise it's an absolute trigger... But still 2000 songs really are a minefield.. I find myself being too drunk to make a salient comment..

3 plus un

That should be 3 plus in ..

I'm here try to relieve a long gone moment and it hit me as I wrote this. .... 

The bars with Barb.. those earlier years... Holy shit.. really having and adjust moment atm..  

20 years reflective is a bitch...

I'm at this point that I can't write. This and look back and try not bawl my eyes out over the past.. but  I don't dont want to be a stereotypical drunk .. but that's proving difficult...

mere

Here is my plea...

DM aside from that one album is for Mere...

kristi

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/It%27s_Been_Awhile

Apparently this song reminds me of Kristi Daniels... I'm sorry that went south.. I was in love with her but kids was a red line.

monotony

I'm staring at my phone... The monotonous thoughts of how many times have I done this .. the constant notion of boredom and exhaustion and feeling done.

I feel the ailments voice there opposition at my being awake .. if it wasn't such a pain in the ass.. but this pain is something I think I endure in place of greater pain...

I don't fucking know... I'm tired. Grouchy depressed done..

Trying not to think of zero sum shit...