Funny

 What I find humorous....

instant replay

Having a beer before tacos... At some point before I get home I'm having tacos... 

Why am I here listening to music drinking a beer... Because I want to be out... Or so I think. I just wonder if this is truly the reason. I get this impression that I don't know... I was about to say something in regards to yes... But I'm torn on this notion that might skew things about it all... Convoluted as fuck ...

That is... At what point does an action become voluntary and conscious acted upon versus some unknown force or physiological response? 

At the moment I'm even wondering this. I'd like to think that my thoughts are something that I have actually conjured (free will?) But I don't subscribe to that notion... As there are way too many similarities in this reality that are just too programmed... Life is an illusion live is the dream...

But I do firmly believe this... That my programming responds to the environment I am in. That is my biological processes act accordingly and that the experiences and knowledge I have accumulated are what they are... Infantismal and incomplete... 

Which I want to question also... There's something about being ignorant about reality and using the science I do know as a means to establish a foundation... I don't trust it... That is me... This body... This reality... In spite of what I am currently in the process of.. documenting it.

I feel like..(that's a sciencey aspect) I'm being duped...

Baba O'Reilly.... Thank you Tom for that tape..

Desire

 I'm multitasking in my thoughts at the moment.

I was watching some TV, then decided to look up gardening/agriculture crap here in LA. Master Gardner program, etc... then looked for a job.. then as i'm going between that, I'm thinking about how there are those statements about some of the positions at these companies where they say you should "love this work" and I'm like, fuck that shit.. however I have to be honest and say it's because of that work I found the work I want to do. Agriculture... hobbyist.. Is that a fantasy from the silver screen? I keep coming across this idea or premise or what the fuck it is called I do not know at the moment.. an archetype?

This "mantra" of be who you want to be or if you believe it long enough it comes true.. a bit more realistic version of the positive manifestation type bullshit ideology. The will it into existence crap.

I think that you can unwittingly shape yourself in a distorted view of an overall all prototype of a re imagined person, even if you have made attempts to prevent such distortions. We are always making assumptions on imperfect data or more precisely incomplete data. Always having to make course corrections so to speak... and we don't know what we don't know, just as we can't see what we can't see.

Change is a constant, as each second passes we have moved location in the universe. Despite us sitting here and typing this out and not moving from this location. HA! That's the rub about reality, IT IS AN ILLUSION.

The ambiguity of life is a reality, as is humanity's incessant drive towards certainty to calm our anxiety about the ambiguity! Cycles, rhythms, frequencies, waves, particles, seasons, hues.... the spectrum of life.

I heard something on that podcast about binary thinking that has me going.. yeah I'm back to walking again.. fuck it's a vicious cycle.. that depression trap.. and how we as a species feed off one another on that shit...

physical aliments be damned!

Desire... I desire to be able to make enough doing minimal work that I feel rewarded in my labors... fuck hierarchical structures of no thought...

Sinead

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajXJkcy35MI

 

 

I'm trying not to let this get to me.. honestly I question the sincerity of these feelings.. this loss.. but the loss for me is not just her voice but a part of my youth... is what I am assuming on my part.

 

My late teens... this is my late teens... and that time is long gone..

 

why am I having this moment..

 

why do I have tears down my face?

 

I was 16...  well probably.. 15 when I heard Mandinka.. it was played at Helter.. why do some people want to forget that... (context - for years.. yeaaaars... of going to clubs, I would on occasion reminisce about the early years of Helter with others and would talk about how the music has/had changed... and how they would play certain songs.. Mandika.. and Games with Frontiers were the other non gothy songs played... umm.. Groove is in the Heart... Charlie Says... there were a handful or so. A certain DJ did not recall that about Mandinka... ) ((side note - why do we as humans retain these scenarios of our past?))

Sinead is Mere... this album especially... but more in a she introduced me to SO vs bf/gf attachments that were typical of the day. 

There's this emotional familiarity that kills me at the moment.... when I think of those 14 - 18 (BP days) years. Especially the 14-16 years.. god damn that time is... 

fuck.. It's difficult to pinpoint shit.. because there's this Schrodinger's aspect I feel (so objective) about it all.. that is when I try to analyze the past.. I find that I'm feeling sorry more so for my current state.. that I have not had anything worthwhile to compare to those days and that reflecting on that makes me sad.. but it's not that I'm sad for the past.. it's that I'm sad for today.. for now. As now is no where near worthwhile as it seemed back then in my ignorance and obliviousness.... 

I was just beginning to be a complete fuck up.. 

I feel you my Iranian bus top friend for a moment..... tears are always at the ready these days.

 

 

if I was half the father...

https://old.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/156dfie/a_fathers_love/

This tears me up... To ba able to what I assume if an amazing father-daughter relationship that I get from this .. my jealousy is paramount in my feelings. Knowing as well how miserable if one I had with my own daughter....

ok cool ..

These are usually precursor words to bad decisions...

Someone exiting their car heading to a club...

achievement

Again.. here at bar.. watching women's world cup in NZ....

NZ scored an amazing goal against Nor

Why does that matter?

Or why am I asking this .. in grand scheme... Not to belittle achievement... But if it's temporary what's the point.. or is that the point..

Enjoy the temporary?

Adjusting to reality is no small effort...

escape

Metallica

Escape

One with my mind

This is my early teens... So much confusion... So much anger.. angst... No need to hear the things that they say...

My glory days?? No.. but foundational..

human behavior

So I'm at this point after having had a few hallucinogenic experiences.. distracted with my Paul Revere song..

I feel this is some blizzard world existence... Why do we do this activities that we do.. what is the end result if it all?

Again.. one too many? Experiences..

This repetition... These cycles... The ying yang of the universe... Ther is no one answer aside from evolution.. the four.. five forces... The ??? Totality of existence... It is all an illusion... The behaviors of humanity driven by unseen forces.. physiology... Biology... Ignorance .. 

Humanity is its own worst enemy...

I know I'm lacking... I'm here in a bar altered at a good rate of THC and alcohol...

Write my at the moment thoughts in a fixed realm... A closed environment... My infantismal experience...

This is not for the faint of heart...

I'm drawn here.. to the out.. to people.. but I want nothing to do with them... Somewhat... N this is the rub... Where is this coming from.. as I know there are people here who thia us what they are here for.. to varying degrees... Fuck I got2 piss..

roses

Missing those old days...

Those fucking neurotic fucked up manic days of mental instability chasing my dopamine rushes...

And being around people.. and feeling younger... Damn... Sooo old ATM..

promises promises

I really need to put together a music list with commentary...

Music of my life sorta BS and what not...

Foreigner - Cold as Ice

That's a foundational song of my preteen hospital stay at Crossroads... Oh the mellow drama of teens... The pretension is off the charts!

pros cons

Was thinking of a question scenario for ask reddit or similar... Where you specify that the response must be in the positive position and no negative comments... Then post the counter question and state the same. Then pull the questions or replies that seem to enhance or counter each other . See how that list looks..

I like to believe that my view is this... That I am programmed to operate in this environment and can only work with in those parameters... That's a a lot of fucking ambiguity... That's life .. that's reality. Luck is a belief in that chance.. that chance that we can subvert reality, those that have talent and the rest that have to work for it.

Work is required either way . Even with talent you have to hone the blade... Cultivate the field ..  mise en place... Measure twice cut once... Plan.. make the needs investments.. consult.. fail.. and keep trying..

Everybody's working for the weekend...

 Why are some of us wired this way... well.. I have a thought or two around this.. but I wanted to talk more about the chasing dopamine part however.. the getting excited beforehand aspect.. (fyi - there is science behind this). So I "decided" I needed to see what the prices are atm for weed. Not gonna lie- I know these are precursor signals for getting my daily fix..  that said.. I got even a bit more excited knowing that I have a few extras that I get to splurge on for this weekend...  that tiny bit of excitement before the excitement.. there's science behind it..

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/dopamine

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsgBpsNPQ50

constant moving

So Im glad I came out... It was the universe calling it something u didn't even flip a coin in it ...

Constantly moving was no bueno and possibly a big reason as to why I have this aversion to relationships ... Possibly...

I am entertaining it as the more popular theory atm... Until further evidence presents itself...

That seems a bit too passive though...

I hate this veganesque diet...

 High cholesterol fucking sucks.. but I'd rather be alive I guess.

So needless to say I get this ideas or thoughts in my head about why does the vegan alternatives just suck... 90% there just doesn't cut it.

So I found this article...

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20220127-the-reason-some-vegan-alternatives-dont-taste-like-meat

And this particular line had me rolling...

Imagine the difference between a sausage boiled to 100C and one lightly charred on a hot grill. Both would be safe to eat, but only one is really appealing.

I guess, but then again.. as this is a BBC article they are probably talking about a "proper sausage"
 vs boiled hot dogs.

Which I'll take a beer steamed Chicago Dog any time. I miss those... Portillo's why must you be so far away.. probably because I'd go way to often when I shouldn't. Just like the pizza I've had the past few weeks.... ugh.. fuck stress.

I hate this point in time... I feel so fucking crippled at the moment with my mental bullshit. Knowing that I'm the only one who can change.. and still feeling like I'm not changing.. this ambiguity of reality.

David what's his face..

So btw in some chocolate for the evening... Really helped to make it a very Twin Peaks flavored evening .. dash o Burton .. Bay.

Music does it once again...

 why is my anguish over my aging...

and everything seems to trigger it these days.... New Order however...

Jr High... and every essesntial memory and moment created during this time... NO was foundational...

Starting it all off with REM.. Radio Free Europe...

Why do I keep going? Why do we as a society do the activities that we do as a society? Cmpr. Animal/Human Behaviors studies.

Apparently Black Celebration is icing on the cake...  why is the remembrance of my past so traumatizing to me?

DM was a from 85 on.. they were integral to my relationships and musical choices for quite some time...

why does the distance of time afflict me so.. (tiny violin)

What is the memory of the song and the historical context o it so effecting... 

Swamp Thing... FUCKING CREAM CHEESE FROSTING!!!

is this self inflicted? yeeessssss???

I was enchanted

A woman 20 yrs older.. in front .. with ice cream Van Halen.. I was enchanted.. Red.

ideassssza

So being out gives me a bit of inspiration.. will not hide that and I will not hide that Is also intentional.. will explain.. well I hope I can.. tbc..thooon!

And I lost it.. some trigger.. lyrics about self.. the killers  not bright side.. with all these things that I've done... And you can't hold on...

Very emotional atm and unsure as to y... But the thing is I KNOW legit as to why.. but I can completely recall.. ATM..

Let freedom ring.. let the watcher see.. barf..

I cannot fucking sing with this one ..

That sing has been hijacked.. if you view it with this context..

The book store off Sherman Way.. near Owensmouth ..

What is this existence

I'm sitting here in a bar writing this.. it's a Sunday night.. karaoke is my drug of choice topped off with the smallest wafer thin chocolate..  👀

Of a mycelium enhanced flavor..

Sitting here drinking.. crappy beer at five bucks a bottle.. I remember buying this shit at fresh n easy. Or something like that.. a local socal market that wast around in the 20teens.. fresh n go..

Any way

. They had these "local" brew offerings... This crap tastes worse that that shit 

So.. yeah.. why do are we as a species driven to do these things that we do??

I'm really enjoying the perspective that I can if I wanted.. do something... And that scares me .

But not tonight.m because I'm having fun.. one más beer.. then the llaves por Yennifer

I'm going be in for a ride.. I ate.. have snacks.. 

phased in reverberations

Thinking writing a song about nostalgia being a drug..