don't wanna

 I'm in a mental tailspin atm...

triggered?? in fact my mind is so convoluted atm that I'm really at a loss for words over my meltdown over a kids party..

well specifically.. my g son's.. which I find I'm having a hard time with.

I'm finding I have a hard time with the g kids.. as in I guess accepting them... accepting that I have 5 g kids..

which then leads me to go .. YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT.

which then makes me feel even worse.. and the fact that I continue to be self centered on this is just more icing on this shit show of how I feel.

i really should have been euthanized as a child...

I'm contemplated not going.. the day before... 

or was I triggered in the knowing what a shit show my fam dynamics is and that I'll be there for a few days... enduring said shit show...

 

 

 

 

free will?

 not really sure how to title this.. as it's more about the receptors in our brain that drive us towards a specific chemical need.

Rat City or better known as behavioral sink. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Behavioral_sink

 

So what's the purpose of having these drives? Survival? But for what? What's the end game of evolution? that's the stoner part of this inquiry but not what I want to focus on.

 

The chemicals that drive us, the gut brain that drives us, the systems beyond our control. Or are they... so I'm definitely on this path of continued self discovery and one thing I definitely discovered the other day is how excited I get about things I get excited about. So things in the past that I would gush over or get enamored or start a new hobby or interest usually has a cooling off period. So anything I typically gush over these days piques my interest as into "why this", what's special about this time?

I'm probably full of shit because well, what the fuck do I know. Yeah.. really stoned.. what a meandering shit stew of gibberish.

what's the word...

 when your laughing at your stoned self about being reminded of who you are..

GenXers were (and, arguably, are) pessimistic, over it, bleak.

 

More or less what my last therapist told me... I'm a Gen X.. I'm cynical.

 

I'm laughing because I want to argue how I'm not, I'm some bastardization that sees there is some joy here to be found, though it is fleeting. Does that make Shakespeare cynical? Though I will admit that I refrain from seeking out relationships. Which weirdly enough I heard Tony Shaloub utter my feelings on the matter... in an early episode of The Marvelous Mrs Maisel, he's lamenting about the struggles one goes through life and touches on the subject of picking the right friends.

Which is how I feel. I know the struggles people go through, being aware of my own, I'm just trying to find the "right amount" of less dysfunctionality. Is that asking too much... I'm not unaware of the psychology of humans and their behaviors. Though this time around I am feeling my age and my disability a bit more acutely than I have ever felt. Which as turned up the fear quotient a bit.

Add family drama.. and EVERYTHING else.

HAHAHAHA

 Have been posting in the wrong journal...

holy crap that other journal of mine.. I'm sure this is cringey as well but damn that.