luddite

 I jest but maybe Ted had a point...

At first I was giddy af about tech, but now I fucking loath it... as I type this out on my pc.

All I see is the continuing commodification of humanity at every step. Every single instance of a person's life is being digitized and marketed to. We as a species are on a trajectory of destruction, and it's not slowing down.

 Capitalism, and ignorant traditions that are cancer to thought... these are some of the worst things.

But ultimately it's humanity... humanity is the cancer on this planet.

As I see it, there is the aggressive capitalist cancer of humanity, and the benign cancer that is humanity. Because reality, evolution, always gives us the choice of a Cain or Abel. As much as I loath religion, this is a good example. You will always have those that believe in humanity and those that want to oppress it.

misplaced frustrations

 so I'm going to write a bit about what I think about the human condition in how humans seek out needs...

I've been reflecting on this for a bit, (should read up on behavioral studies) the idea on this aspect of our human existence. Namely how we as a species just kind of are at the whims of the forces around us and the choices we make after.

I have no patience for others who appear to be incapable or too far broken to want to make their lives better. Even though I can reflect on my own dysfunctional broken life and where I am.

Or is that it, my inability to accept this reality, that is the current living situation that I find myself in. I hate having to be dependent upon others... thanks Dad!

I know my understanding of the world and of things is not the same for others. That my "normal operating parameters" are different from others... none the less I struggle with accepting the dysfunctionality of others. That is what I perceive as others dysfunctions.

Again... I was there.

I was in a dire strait... I accepted an "off the cuff" offer to stay in Ca... Now I need to get the fuck out of here. I can't live in these same fucking conditions as when I grew up. A person who sits on their ass all day long and does nothing. Just like my mother did. I'm over this. 

 

When other's sloven habits impact me I get irritated. I try to make it a point to not be a burden, try to make sure that others have opportunity, equal access, etc...

 

I get it... I'm over it.

chaos in practice

 so i was thinking about making syrniki.. and was thinking about how if I did, I don't really know what to judge them by, but then again I thought about it ans said well based on my experience I would have a good idea of whether or not it tasted "good or bad".  Which made me think of chaos theory (See Sapolsky lecture video YT or wikipedia article on it) and how that the noise in a signal is part of a signal in that so also when one learns a new skill there is the learning curve of noise and eventually even if you get to a particular skill level it's not that you don't make mistakes you just make them less frequently.. hence you've filtered out the noise by experience.. increased skill. fined tuned the signal so to speak.. and given it all that is needed to maintain said signal... the correct energy amounts... technique... adjustments... infrastructure... all that is needed to perform the skill or task at the highest level you are capable of of at the moment... because well.. chaos theory. that seems a bit circular...

and damn I really want to make syrniki...

correlation or similiarities in other things

 things.. fuck just means I can't figure out the word I need to go in there..

any who..

so i was thinking on similarities within in separate systems or groups or overall patterns that seems to have a similarity to them..

and now I can' fully go back on that train of thought...

this ties into my ideas about humanity and I think there is a problem here... so I keep looking at the liberal side of things.. science.. biology.. history and I keep coming up with a different conclusion...

the notion of progress... in ways it is a type of human propelled evolution but I have some lingering thoughts that I'm constantly dwelling on... that is the concepts of free will (currently I'm of the mind that we are in a simulation of sorts and "the program that is humanity" is severely diverting from the balance that was here prior to their total domination of the planet... humanity is humanity's worst problem.. the 900 lb gorilla in the room so to speak.. 

I don't think we can continue down a path that doesn't address the flagrant arrogance and presumptuousness that is indicative of our species...  more on this later...

 

but essentially I got to this line of thinking about conversing with others specifically in a work environment.. and if someone where to instantaneously change the topic without going off course on another it would generate as an error in a sense.. that then runs a query subroutine or something.. more of my nonsense thoughts about being in a simulation.. but I know it's not a lone thought. google that shit..

on a brighter note

Having actual interviews and jobs that I have applied for offer more of everything about the type of work I do has really been a boost to the mood ... Seriously depressed there after 12/5...

I need to move it..move it...have things I need.. want to do.. and a trabajo is required to get there...

Alice Practice - Crystal Castles

Love this song... Totally dancey shit..

that commercial is bull shit .. farmers dog.. 😭

Seriously... What's up with that crap... I want to laugh.   But here I am chopping onions...

what I want

So I'm writing this list as a means of clarity... Something that explains what my priorities are in any given situation... Trying to find a way to not just survive but thrive... And it seems to me that yes.. everything has been done... In the reality that I currently share... Without going on a long drawn out discussion... I want to be in a position that allows for me to not have to really work more than I have to...

On another note.. cake and eat it too... I just had a fictional conversation that showed that as an example.. if some one tells you to leave them alone.. and honor that request... But wait what if the meaning in their words are not the same as your meaning??? Hmmm.. which is why conversations are so fucking important...

I still don't have that list...

Working towards a means of self employment that allows me to do what I want... But what that is... Hmmm...

catching my breath

So today was the first day in a long time i could catch my breath... The stress of late seems to have abated enough I don't feel like jumping out of my skin.. i do need to finish up this damn game already... Focus...

everything

Seriously what's up... Very tired and want to go back to bed.. feeling a bit, why bother...

Have some errands to run... Things to do..

don't allow yourself

 self control...

that what it's all about.. do the hokey pokey...

I have a email saved about triggers and Ga and my mother... it got me thinking about the things I do .. the things I allow..

do I allow them?

I choose to engage in the thoughticide?

I know that (I think) life is about balance... but there's that part of us that wants the chaos... it thrives on it.. those little bits of evolutionary seasonings to ever push us further...

side note/idea - reality is hoping on a 1 in googleplex number of possibility of finding a solution, but it has to run through numerous permutations before arriving at the correct solution.

this also got me thinking about the chaos theory/noise is part of the reality.. of the signal.. it is the data..

Why is there no perfection in nature... because of all the possible permutations around the concept of a singular example... though I think with minerals we can get a 100% purity.. but I wonder?

there are numerous species of any given living organism here on earth.... so how do we determine which one is the 100% of it's species? Typically it's just a general representation... a baseline... all the variation within is the chaos.. the noise..