PSYCHEDELIC FURS : Pretty in pink (HD)

This song is for one person and one person alone..

MLK... lol Melissa L Kohler.

 

---

 

So let's talk..  Missy.. Melissa was my first and probably only love and I hate to think about it like that considering I was married to someone else for over 25 years, yet this is what I feel. I first saw M when I was at Newport Harbor Hospital on my first stint down in EAP, she was in LAP and this would have been around 1987 (got out around March then back in around July for another 9 months - that was a fun one). Didn't know who she was wasn't really interested in her either, I may have been seeing Michelle then or Meredith. What the fuck is with these M named girlfriends. Just noticed that... facepalm.

 

Melissa would haunt me for most of my days and at 47 I'm apparently still thinking of her, but only when 1 of a 1000 songs pops on or some other nostalgic trigger.... which happens more than I'd care to admit.

 So I was making an edit about time frames up above and it only got me thinking about back then. So when I was back at NHH for the 2nd time I started up on the hill in the ICU/locked unit (toilet pumpkin/almost escape/Debbie - et al/Pink Floyd/Beetlejuice/Freddy Krueger) and eventually got back down the hill.... my attitude had completely changed from the last time I was there. I was a teenage dipshit... though those few months down the hill in that fantasy teenage romance that I had with M was fucking amazing. Sneaking around the campus to smoke, sneaking into her room... I'll never forget that and now I want to cry.

Now I don't know what this is about... there is a bit of regret in there.. and longing for that moment.. that moment. I want that moment and that moment and that moment... and as I sit and think about all of this.. I also thinking about the underlying triggers that cause me to feel like this..

what is it in my memory that triggers the sad/happy, the tears, the longing... what am I comparing this to seemingly that I should be crying.. sad/happy...  why are memories bittersweet?

What is it.. is it the regrets.. the joy.. the elation... the firsts.... the once and only's...the emotions of the moment that I miss or something?? 

Why her.. why not any of the others.. well Laura...and Liz.. maybe... Meredith... that was purely carnal though and I have a bad habit of being able to separate good times from better options..

Have been thinking more.. challenging beliefs... I'm noticing my leg shaking has come back... and I think my anxiety level is also up... I'm noticing... I'm finding that I want things to move a bit faster and that may have me a bit more on edge... impatient...

Now Walk On The Wild Side is playing.. which I had on a tape from Tom from NHH soooooo yeah.. thinking about M again. I really want to cry.. and I don't know why... because NO FUCKING WAY would I date 49 yr old M today... really on the verge of tears and I'd love to have a good cry to have a good cry to release this tension I feel in my shoulders... the only stress I have is that which I create.. I can handle this.. everything is going.. and we are as up to date as we can be... sooooooo, what what?

 I'm finding uncertainty being on the radar these days when it didn't used to be... yeah for being aware! LOL