Interpretations of this existence. Exploring what reality has to offer and how little we actually know through a lens of self reflection, science, and philosophy.
One size does not fit all, objects in mirror are figments of your imagination, and results will vary.
So I'm going to stop smoking weed and document this journey during new job and freshly starting school with a full load to see how I can cope with my anxiety and behaviors then to compare them to the next semester where I'll be smoking again but at prescribed times.
Yeah no controls at all so not very scientific.. but it'll help me gather data about myself on this and hopefully make a "permanent" decision at some future point?
Love/Hate it.. I don't like this idea of being attached to something if I don't necessarily have to but it's due to a habit.. I don't know.. I know I have struggled with this for a bit now.. I like that it does a lot of amazing things for me.. but I also wonder do I really need it?
This song is for one person and one person alone..
MLK... lol Melissa L Kohler.
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So let's talk.. Missy.. Melissa was my first and probably only love and I hate to think about it like that considering I was married to someone else for over 25 years, yet this is what I feel. I first saw M when I was at Newport Harbor Hospital on my first stint down in EAP, she was in LAP and this would have been around 1987 (got out around March then back in around July for another 9 months - that was a fun one). Didn't know who she was wasn't really interested in her either, I may have been seeing Michelle then or Meredith. What the fuck is with these M named girlfriends. Just noticed that... facepalm.
Melissa would haunt me for most of my days and at 47 I'm apparently still thinking of her, but only when 1 of a 1000 songs pops on or some other nostalgic trigger.... which happens more than I'd care to admit.
So I was making an edit about time frames up above and it only got me thinking about back then. So when I was back at NHH for the 2nd time I started up on the hill in the ICU/locked unit (toilet pumpkin/almost escape/Debbie - et al/Pink Floyd/Beetlejuice/Freddy Krueger) and eventually got back down the hill.... my attitude had completely changed from the last time I was there. I was a teenage dipshit... though those few months down the hill in that fantasy teenage romance that I had with M was fucking amazing. Sneaking around the campus to smoke, sneaking into her room... I'll never forget that and now I want to cry.
Now I don't know what this is about... there is a bit of regret in there.. and longing for that moment.. that moment. I want that moment and that moment and that moment... and as I sit and think about all of this.. I also thinking about the underlying triggers that cause me to feel like this..
what is it in my memory that triggers the sad/happy, the tears, the longing... what am I comparing this to seemingly that I should be crying.. sad/happy... why are memories bittersweet?
What is it.. is it the regrets.. the joy.. the elation... the firsts.... the once and only's...the emotions of the moment that I miss or something??
Why her.. why not any of the others.. well Laura...and Liz.. maybe... Meredith... that was purely carnal though and I have a bad habit of being able to separate good times from better options..
Have been thinking more.. challenging beliefs... I'm noticing my leg shaking has come back... and I think my anxiety level is also up... I'm noticing... I'm finding that I want things to move a bit faster and that may have me a bit more on edge... impatient...
Now Walk On The Wild Side is playing.. which I had on a tape from Tom from NHH soooooo yeah.. thinking about M again. I really want to cry.. and I don't know why... because NO FUCKING WAY would I date 49 yr old M today... really on the verge of tears and I'd love to have a good cry to have a good cry to release this tension I feel in my shoulders... the only stress I have is that which I create.. I can handle this.. everything is going.. and we are as up to date as we can be... sooooooo, what what?
I'm finding uncertainty being on the radar these days when it didn't used to be... yeah for being aware! LOL
Now honestly I don't know how to comment on the title aside from this is probably the least gay thing I've done.
So I'm on this underwear kick at the moment. It's a bit of a fetish at the moment.I've changed my style a bit.. from boxer briefs to trunks.. and the support is a bit arousing to say the least. I think all my old stuff was just that.... old. No support.. nada.. so yeah.
Though on a different note I've been looking for certain bars in the area..closest one is off Reseda...
So in light of all the good events that have occurred as of late, I do find myself having a difficult time to enjoy the time at hand as I'm waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop and end this joyous moment.
New job, enrolled in school, divorce is pending default judgement here soon.
So as far as 2021 being a turning point is to say the least... I'm eager for the future.
I'm about to fall asleep and wanted to write something about how super awesome I've been feeling as of late. It's unfuckingbeliveable at just how optimistic and motivated I've been since the job. It's like I have all this pent up energy, however I don't want to get all excited just as yet. We've not even begun the work... Let alone leave town for this journey, we barely just got financed. Now to make sure the well don't dry up.
This fucking overly optimistic bullshit feeling I have going on in my head at the moment. I seriously can't seem to get over this urge to want to do cartwheels and cry. Tears, because I want to cry about really feeling this serenity that I never thought I could ever feel. This peace of mind knowing it's my mind playing tricks on me and how to be aware and over come them.
I get that there's always going to be a big motherfucking black hole of ignorance there and that working towards a better me.. more educated, being as physically fit as possible, and changing with the times/adapting to the situation/be the water to your vessel of torment.
Knowing that I can overcome these things, allows me to move forward even when it seems like I'm not at times...
My motherfucking schedule... it's frustrating but remember you are but nothing to the universe not even a speck but yet here you are. Don't set your time tables in stone.. be as flexible as you need/have to be..
I truly feel as if I have emerged from the proverbial cocoon... but I still am not at the adult stage.
Essential 80's and my childhood... There comes a point in time when you really do get tired of hearing something or seeing something or reading something over and over again and again... Why I can't watch most TV or hear most music these days.. it doesn't speak to me. I get that it does for millions.. but I got tired of hearing the same stuff over again and again just in some repackage bullshit wrapper.. It's one generation after the next trying to regurgitate either follow the old ways or don't follow the old ways and they both come clashing at one point or another.
Van Halen was essential to my childhood, it was right around my parents divorce. I was just a budding juvenile delinquent at this time. Living in So Cal - Huntington Beach of all places Van Halen was well known.
Especially when it's part of the soundtrack to "living dangerously" like I did... I should have been put down back then.
So I'm always trying to process these triggers, that get me bawling...
I think this one is just because of the timestamp.. Early 80's.. I was just budding in my terrorism as a child, plus I think it was at some weird point in my life that things were falling apart and already being stunted in my childhood development my parents divorce gave me free range as a latch key kid for days on end so it seemed. Lucky I had a father would gave a shit, even if I didn't know it then.
10 years old? Trying to remember when yeah.. 10. My parents were getting divorced and my Dad was living in those apartments in HB on Edwards/Warner - Sea Breeze, the ones next to the mobile home/trailer park.
That was a time for a lot of firsts... kissing a 16 year old, smoking weed, getting plastered drunk or was that 9? I think 9, because that's when we still lived at the house. Shoplifting D&D stuff.. damn there's a nerd criminal for yeah. Spencer's Gifts when it was upstairs in the Westminster Mall and the food court was in the middle of the mall.
This album.. holy shit I had almost forgotten just how big it was for me, I more or less memorized it all back then, can barely remember AITUK these days. Punk was huge for me at 10 - the big early bands I learned were the Vandals, DK, Black Flag, Sex Pistols, & the Toy Dolls... then in psych it was subhumans, more of the LA punk sound, Subhumans, my album buying trips at Peer Records in the Valley - Moby Disc - Tower and OC - Music market, Peer Records, Tower, Vinyl Solution and LA - Bleeker Bob's, Vinyl Fetish, Record Surplus, and I'm not even counting Licorice Pizza or Sam Goody or the Wherehouse or Music Plus or the dozens of others that are gone and no longer here...
KROQ was instrumental in the LA punk exposure... My first Germs tape was Rock n Rule from the Tower records in El Toro.. or when it was. Near Rack n Ruin.. when that was there also. The early proto days of independently owned unique sub cultures stores that littered LA/OC back in the days..
Zac Attack
The Electric Chair
Gamma Gamma
Restyle Too
Ipso Facto (I think is still open in Fullerton)
Nana's
That one place that was on 2nd in Santa Monica in the 80's.
