Feelings

 Hmmm...

So I'm on a quest to be better learner student at this language we call English. In fact I'm aiming for a degree in English only because I think it's the one thing I might be able to do something with. Minor in Philosophy/Literature. 

 I want to write with feeling but I struggle to find the words so I'm on a journey to get stronger... (and now I'm about to cry for making up this cliched manga/anime Shonen trope.)

I feel like I've unlocked something.. this feeling has been true since after my last attempt at suicide which was in NC. I laughed, laughed at how I was a miserable failure at attempting to kill myself. I think it was at that point I had accepted a lot of things I had obviously been struggling with up to that point and the light goes boom. I was struggling... I wanted to die or I should say I felt like I wanted to die. I tried like 3 times in 2 weeks. I'm sure they were all half baked attempts, but apparently 4 zip ties wasn't sufficient or appropriately applied?

I gave up.. I had come to a cross roads with myself.. shit or get off the pot. I think that was when the mental health issues weren't such an issue afterwards, I'd managed to cobble together something in my brain as a general understanding about life and myself the world around me. Based on world history, philosophy, cultures, human behavior, biology, Ancient Greece, Ancient Africa, Asia, the list goes on. Having a big enough view to see how things are, and who I am and where I fit.

It's unnerving, and frightening. The constant intermittent feeling of drowning, failing, falling. All gone...

Don't get me wrong I do have a bad day here and there, but they've pretty much completely disappeared. Which now brings me to this point about feelings....

What are the driving forces behind them? Why do I feel a certain way when I perform a certain task? I get the serotonin/endorphin connection and how we're merely creatures driven from one emotional drive to the next. What's the philosophical angle on this?

I think there was a larger evolutionary things behind this. in fact I know there is... my idea that is.

 

So.. Why do all living species follow a typically specific life cycle?? Yeah there's an epistemology question there.. hence why I want to take a minor in philosophy.

Priming the pumps??? I'd like to think..  (self note - priming the pumps.. my interest in philosophy has led me down this path and I'm beyond grateful for it. So now on to school... )

I have fears.. #1 job doesn't last.. that's the one I have to keep a constant eye on. I get paranoid about my behavior and start to lose my composure mentally... no bueno....

So the whole reason for going to school is to learn how I can effectively write emotion, because I don't really think I've read that from a lot of people. That and I probably haven't read enough.

To be understood... 

Neuroscience.. another field of interest that I need to read up on more.