Earliest memories and who I am and what is in store for the future...

 So I started thinking I needed a ultraviolet lens so I can see what the hummingbirds see.. or something that will allow me to (record digitally) video tape* them and see. Which then got me thinking about needing sunglasses and thinking I needed to maybe look at Costco for glasses and then it dawned on me how I really was neglected as a child.

My earliest memories are of me getting into trouble. At 3 I'm setting the fish free that we had in the aquarium. At 4 I'm in the downstairs bathroom of the townhouse in Bollingbrook setting my Hot Wheels car case inserts on fire in the sink. I have nothing but memories of her just letting me free roam there after. Her depression was that bad, and adversely affected me as a result.

So the revelation is just additional historical time stamps to what I discovered previously. It was me looking at the evidence again and seeing the connections, in all these instances I was left to my own devices so to speak. My mother should never of had kids.

I have no desire to converse with my Brother, that's been a bit of a bitter pill to swallow. I guess I had already come to a point with others (family & friends) and dramatical bullshit of ones own choosing. That is when you decide to throw a fit because know is home when you show up unannounced then cut everyone off as if it was there fault. So yeah. I've reached a point in my life that I don't have energy for energy vampires and people who can't get over the past. Who have to make mention of the horrible childhood they had again and again and again. I don't have time to live there, I moved on and as painful as it was let go of a good majority of what anchors me and keep working towards... or so I keep bullshitting myself into thinking.

I need to be able to keep this job as long as I can. That is so open ended... as long as I can? I need to keep this job as long as the contract is for. ??? 

I can't make the contract last longer than it is... I don't believe in the notion that one can make themselves indispensable. (My brain is questioning this belief at the moment)

I need to be in 2 positions in 5 years...

BA degree

Property in Boulder Creek

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I have a handful of surgeries I would like...

vasectomy $600

lasik $5k

blepharoplasty $3.2k

rhinoplasty? $10k guesstimate

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Trip to Japan - Summer trip - timing with school

Travel in general

Motorcycle $10k

Truck $30k

Furniture ???

Room decor ????

Bills paid off.. everyone paid off... $40k? guesstimate

So I need to stay focused on keeping job and keeping sane and chiselling away at this list.