Wednesday, June 30, 2021

What is fake?

 So this thought popped in my head the other day, there is often said that Los Angeles is considered "fake" as in personable relationships, people are only after one thing or another and your just going to get used.


Today I was thinking about this again and came to this conclusion that life is fake, just look around at nature and ALL THE DOCUMENTED EVIDENCE we have about animal behavior - this includes HUMANS. Yes we are all part of the animal kingdom though I know a majority would be classified as vegetables. On ACCOUNT THAT THEY CAN'T THINK, which again is documented!

I'm not writing some manifesto, the exaggerated comments are more in a Carlin style, true & funny.


Seriously, life is fake. The evidence is overwhelming, just like animals lie, steal, and cheat, so to do humans. However we've been endowed with this capacity to reason and to think beyond a level of our animal cousins, which leads me to believe that we too as humans are just another branch in the evolutionary tree. Though how long humanity or life on Earth will last is not written for us to know. We can just look at the evidence that we have accumulated over the years.

Monday, June 28, 2021

Feelings

 Hmmm...

So I'm on a quest to be better learner student at this language we call English. In fact I'm aiming for a degree in English only because I think it's the one thing I might be able to do something with. Minor in Philosophy/Literature. 

 I want to write with feeling but I struggle to find the words so I'm on a journey to get stronger... (and now I'm about to cry for making up this cliched manga/anime Shonen trope.)

I feel like I've unlocked something.. this feeling has been true since after my last attempt at suicide which was in NC. I laughed, laughed at how I was a miserable failure at attempting to kill myself. I think it was at that point I had accepted a lot of things I had obviously been struggling with up to that point and the light goes boom. I was struggling... I wanted to die or I should say I felt like I wanted to die. I tried like 3 times in 2 weeks. I'm sure they were all half baked attempts, but apparently 4 zip ties wasn't sufficient or appropriately applied?


I gave up.. I had come to a cross roads with myself.. shit or get off the pot. I think that was when the mental health issues weren't such an issue afterwards, I'd managed to cobble together something in my brain as a general understanding about life and myself the world around me. Based on world history, philosophy, cultures, human behavior, biology, Ancient Greece, Ancient Africa, Asia, the list goes on. Having a big enough view to see how things are, and who I am and where I fit.


It's unnerving, and frightening. The constant intermittent feeling of drowning, failing, falling. All gone...


Don't get me wrong I do have a bad day here and there, but they've pretty much completely disappeared. Which now brings me to this point about feelings....


What are the driving forces behind them? Why do I feel a certain way when I perform a certain task? I get the serotonin/endorphin connection and how we're merely creatures driven from one emotional drive to the next. What's the philosophical angle on this?

I think there was a larger evolutionary things behind this. in fact I know there is... my idea that is.

 

So.. Why do all living species follow a typically specific life cycle?? Yeah there's an epistemology question there.. hence why I want to take a minor in philosophy.


Priming the pumps??? I'd like to think..  (self note - priming the pumps.. my interest in philosophy has led me down this path and I'm beyond grateful for it. So now on to school... )


I have fears.. #1 job doesn't last.. that's the one I have to keep a constant eye on. I get paranoid about my behavior and start to lose my composure mentally... no bueno....


So the whole reason for going to school is to learn how I can effectively write emotion, because I don't really think I've read that from a lot of people. That and I probably haven't read enough.

To be understood... 

Neuroscience.. another field of interest that I need to read up on more.





Re evaluating

 So there comes a time and place when let's say you've elevated to a higher level of conscious self awareness, along with a healthy dose of history, science and a Trader Joe's type sampler variety of the humanities.


There really is this weird trap laid out or is it a puzzle? I guess if you step back and look at everything it really seems like a puzzle or sorts... existence that is... Cosmos.. big bang.. evolution... and a society that rinse's & repeats it's cycles because it's genetically engineered into us.


Am I drinking kool- aid here (actually flavor-aid but oh well).... why is it that some are more capable of reasoning than others or is this just an overall life education/experience/nature-nurture situation? Are genetics involved? Environmental conditions? etc..



Earliest memories and who I am and what is in store for the future...

 So I started thinking I needed a ultraviolet lens so I can see what the hummingbirds see.. or something that will allow me to (record digitally) video tape* them and see. Which then got me thinking about needing sunglasses and thinking I needed to maybe look at Costco for glasses and then it dawned on me how I really was neglected as a child.

My earliest memories are of me getting into trouble. At 3 I'm setting the fish free that we had in the aquarium. At 4 I'm in the downstairs bathroom of the townhouse in Bollingbrook setting my Hot Wheels car case inserts on fire in the sink. I have nothing but memories of her just letting me free roam there after. Her depression was that bad, and adversely affected me as a result.

So the revelation is just additional historical time stamps to what I discovered previously. It was me looking at the evidence again and seeing the connections, in all these instances I was left to my own devices so to speak. My mother should never of had kids.

I have no desire to converse with my Brother, that's been a bit of a bitter pill to swallow. I guess I had already come to a point with others (family & friends) and dramatical bullshit of ones own choosing. That is when you decide to throw a fit because know is home when you show up unannounced then cut everyone off as if it was there fault. So yeah. I've reached a point in my life that I don't have energy for energy vampires and people who can't get over the past. Who have to make mention of the horrible childhood they had again and again and again. I don't have time to live there, I moved on and as painful as it was let go of a good majority of what anchors me and keep working towards... or so I keep bullshitting myself into thinking.

I need to be able to keep this job as long as I can. That is so open ended... as long as I can? I need to keep this job as long as the contract is for. ??? 

I can't make the contract last longer than it is... I don't believe in the notion that one can make themselves indispensable. (My brain is questioning this belief at the moment)


I need to be in 2 positions in 5 years...

BA degree

Property in Boulder Creek

------------------------------------------------------

I have a handful of surgeries I would like...

vasectomy $600

lasik $5k

blepharoplasty $3.2k

rhinoplasty? $10k guesstimate

 ------------------

Trip to Japan - Summer trip - timing with school

Travel in general

Motorcycle $10k

Truck $30k

Furniture ???

Room decor ????

Bills paid off.. everyone paid off... $40k? guesstimate


So I need to stay focused on keeping job and keeping sane and chiselling away at this list.





Friday, June 11, 2021

Jack of all... master of none

 So I've known for a bit about this ADHD thing of mine.. but I don't think I ever have had a proper diagnosis because filling out a blank piece of paper with generic questions on it doesn't seem to be a real method of determining said illness.

I know I have a ton of interests and I'm always running from one to another. Though the skill trade seems to be something I have gravitated towards. Actually cooking is primary on that list, with all others being a runner up so to speak. 

I do question my drive or desires at times that push me in these directions. Self will.. ha.

The idea that one is the master of their own ship is a bit of a farce. I don't want to go into detail but is does require a substantial amount time/effort/education/experience before one can begin to fathom things. Yes the language is ambiguous for a reason as everyone's journey is different.


So I... that is a l/h relationship there. 

education.. I want to get a degree just for the purpose of maybe being able to relocate outta the states here at some point. Teach English? I have concerns about my wherewithal to be able to complete things in a satisfactory manner for myself. Keep a job till I finish school, and find something that I can make money without going crazy in the process. 


Wednesday, June 9, 2021

The Kinks - Come Dancing

Hardly heard this song... one of my favs.. that song that caught my ear.. I guess that what is more than anything else.. I think I had a comment earlier about songs and the effect they have on me and the emotions that are carried when I think about the songs and how it brings back a flood of memories.. good & bad.. which is maybe why it's overwhelming at times if I think too much about them.. the songs and the past..

Also I think today's a weird good day.. I feel the anxiety sorta kicking in from now having a job and the realization that I have maintain a sense of job eagerness and that this could be the nice little opportunity to build a nest egg scenario and explore.. and take care of chit.. so don't fuck.. this.. up!!

 

B 52's - Give Me Back My Man • TopPop

So here's another of those songs... Songs that just for some fucking reason -- fuck me up.. So I get all emotionally invested in this for WHO FUCKING KNOWS what reason. I have no emotional attachment to this song aside from it being background music to my childhood...

My guess is that there is some B52's generalization going on here... so for the most part I don't hate/like them... they were a band that I heard quite frequently on KROQ but never got into them. Sure I know most of the popular songs but never in a million years would I say they are in my list of go to bands... unless it's a dance party and they need songs.. then sure I can pull out the hits.

 But for whatever reason this song seems to be one of others for me that seems to hold this emotional trigger on something.. now that I think about it...

What is this nostalgia feeling.. or what I'm attributing to be nostalgia??!?!?!?!

Reconciling ones humanity and ones customs.. filtering out what is what. 

 

Getting sidetracked now.. off to percolate.