1 year later

 So sort of reflecting on the past year... the year of Covid. 

The past few weeks have been a big struggle of trying to stay on track and focused. Apathy has set in and depression is dogging me like hounds on the scent. I'm doubting myself on everything and falling in to old bad habits of being unproductive.

Suicidal thoughts have creeped back as well and trying to get rid of those is a chore in itself when I'm already at this state.

I find myself doubting and being uncertain about the future, myself, my skills, moving past shit and changing.

I never feel like I'll be able to accomplish anything... I shut down once things go south and I can't function like this, hence the apathy and everything else.

There was a job I had at Boeing once, part of said job was to "program VBA" on some spreadsheets but I couldn't do it. Faked that job for the whole time I was there and I remember the times that I would mentally breakdown because I couldn't do it. As soon as I approached it my brain went blank and no amount of staring at it would change or help.

Having some real issues with past events that will haunt me for my life that I can't deal with. Events that I'll never speak of.. events I wished never happened.

Honestly I'd rather not be existing, and I think there are a number of things that I've resigned to that keep me in this rinse repeat cycle... in spite of me knowing better more or less. 

I'm just in a pity mode that I can't seem to get out at the moment and it's not helping when I look around and see that it's all really pointless... (thanks philosophy... somewhat)...

I need to focus on something to get me outta of my head.. but that's the thing.. I have something... just not wanting to do it.. because I hit roadblocks on my abilities to do it so I give up... which then in turns gets me depressed... rinse repeat..

dunning kruger realizations don't help.