Helter Skelter

Illusions

Correlation?

grandparent

 So is this my job... Because holy shit.. I'm so fucking excited and scared at the same time.. happy cry.. holy shit..

Another smaller brain zap moment.. epiphany.

Is this a turtle 🐢?

 seriously a flood of multiple emotions at once... It's a trip.. 

Very slap you awake type feeling... My brain is 

Is a breakdown a good thing... I heard this or read this somewhere, YT maybe. How it can result in positive breakthroughs but not everyone is capable. Are this mini breakdown moments?

what we call evolution is just life...

 I'm sure there's got to be someone smarter than my db ass stating this.

Life is essential evolution.. and vice versa.

The biological growth, and the societal one as well. Personal growth is there as well, growth in skills...

We truely are plagued by ignorance. The feeble methods of communication that we have are just modern day grunts still. We used to mimic nature, now we just rape it.

I've lost something... I've been embracing the "shadow" of late..

Yeah shit has changed... My back.

I seriously can stand or sit for long periods without moving around to get comfy.

Horizontal is thee most comfortable, my car 2nd.

Meditation.. and that schedule.. I need to draft something.. other things are in my periphery as well..focus without focusing.. be like water.

CBT exercises

Appreciation

Scatterbrained

I feel happy...

Sex & Violence

Chitlins

Hime Nala the derpy husky

 This is fucking hard..

This fucking sucks... 

This is some really fucked up emotions, this heart wrenching pain can go.. why is greif a part of the genetic makeup.. as it's prone to irrational behavior and thoughts.

Oh you damn derpy dog who barks like a clubbed seal.. or a stragled dolphin..

Damn you husky for making me cry so much. You were perfect for Bear and the family. Sorry we didn't get you sooner.. 

Why does this sound like it was written by a third grader.  My greiving is causing hunger pangs which means I should ignore them. Damn you Nala... Your damn infectious bark. Your princess attitude about almost every thing.. your arguing like a four year old.

I won't miss the messes.. but I'll miss the messee..

Bueno no bueno

So I love my kids..

It's a race to the end of the universe simulation?

Case #20020819

Unexpected Surprises

Da 5 Bloods

 Ok.. I had a rant in here complaining about this movie...

It's 15thousand movies and stories in one.. and yes that is a bit of hyperbole, and I really wanted to like this movie but seriously.. it's all over the fucking place..

It's war movie.. it's a buddy movie.. it's black solidarity.. it's a hot mess..

I'm in one moment to the next of an roller coaster ride..

I want to like it.. but I can't.. there's at least three separate stories in here..

Don't get me started on the US war propaganda bits.. (Vietnam was a CF to say the least that the US had no business getting involved.. but hey Cold War ya know).

The cinematography was meh and with an occasional scene that seems to flow into the next.

MIYAMOTO MUSASHI 宮本武蔵. Dokkodo. The way of walking alone. 21 LIFE PRINCI...

There's a number of things here I would have latched onto when I was younger. The last one I have some issues with... has it takes a hard stance, though this is something that I want to explore.



I don't believe in absolutes (is that an absolute?)... to remain open and objective when presented with new evidence is what i would like to strive for. I knw O fail at a lot.. and daily I fail at being a human.. I guess.. Is it failure or merely things not worth mentioning..



I can't be cognizant of everything all the time and well.. I'm tired right now.. and my back hurts.. and sorta wanting to go to sleep and I have a nagging sense about something.. but mostly tired.. stayed up to late.. no more caffeine.

Why do I have possible happy thoughts about a move...

Psychedelic & Stoner Rock Compilation

Psychedelic & Stoner Rock Compilation

How books can open your mind | Lisa Bu

Charles Bukowski | THE MIND, GO ALL THE WAY ᴴᴰ | Motivational Poem

self awareness... self actualization

 So... I'm in this weird place at the moment.. it's a present here Zen, where I'm being influenced by my environment at the moment. Being in the moment.. 

Now I Wanna Be Your Dog...

I can enjoy this.. 

I'm making coffee, enjoying today..

I've found a hope.. and I want to share.. but I'm not ready.. I have to organize.. I have to document.. this is the only way.

Imaginary conversations with relatives

That we dare not wish for...

Self informaing verbal edition

Coleman Hawkins - Night Hawk (Full Album)

Coleman Hawkins - Night Hawk 1961 FULL ALBUM

FUD

Is that it? Weed n me...

Worry Anxiety

Grave of the Fireflies

https://apnews.com/bc312a80589e9ad0eb6e4189af329c89

Cognitive science

Okily Dokily?

Not quite right

Posterity

assumptions

 I assume most people are idiots...

So there's that already, fuck this is annoying.

I'm trying to get as centered/balanced mentally as possible.. because I know if I don't.. no bueno.

Soo many thoughts.. unrestrained..tired.. literally my head hurts right now... Blood pressure?? Seriously.. something else?!?!?

I do want to cry out of frustration, out of the fucking lunacy it is to be a human and for what??

I guess that's another one to catalog..

This phone sucks...

prison of consciousness

 Fuck I hate this..

My head hurts at the moment, this fucking POS phone is pissing me off to no end... Little fucking things are getting on my every never... It's this too small of landscape to fucking type properly...

 And I'm tired of feeling prisoner to mind and this body. 

I need to figure more shit out.. and it's getting frustrating because of this fucked up ego that is fucked up.

and no donate

 Fuck this is hard....

My emotions are right there and waiting to go off...

Reasoning gets one so far and it's painfully obvious to me that in this occasion lot of people lack it.

Simple questions....  My brain seizes up, I get this fight or flight reaction when in a stressful situation, that really isn't worth it.

Though I findyself wanting an outlet something to release whatever this is.. this notion of expectations not being met, when they usually are.

I do want to cry... And not also.. I think I need to as a stress release.

I am panicking.. I know it... The place I was at.. is it temporary well it would have to be.. generally it is.. as nothing is perm.

The exception that comes to mind are those who have an imbalance and function off a single emotion.

 

And I'm here again.. this languishing pit.. and it not where I want to be... I hate this feeling... 

 

The arguing with the litterer didn't help.

 Tuning out the noise is a pain.. it's everywhere... Fuck this existence.. seriously, I get.. do I?? Do I get it?

 I think I need a cry.. the back thing and the job loss and how knows what.. yeah very weak, am I.

 

I want to talk to myself to validate my thoughts and that's not how it works.. I need to find someone or something that works as it should.

 

I don't have a lot of stock in shrinks this day n age.. though I guess if I found one well versed in phil & self aware.

 I wonder is that possible..

Am I deluding myself.. another anxiety to add.

I get that there is no cure for humanity, aside from death.

I mean, I don't but I doubt I'll see anything remotely close in my lifetime.

My expectations.. are they extravagent? Things to operate as intended. 

Yes the human element, yet that's for human interaction expectations. I'm talking inanimate objects. Which are designed and used by people.

So there probably is something there.. I don't know..

I want to cry and sleep and get over this shit.. I hate being out of sorts..

lack of focus

 So I'm sitting in the lobby for plasma... Wanting to read Conquest of Bread, but I look up and the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly are on. Which I then watched for a hot minute, then thought about a D&D campaign where this would make a good adventure.

I was trying to read, got distracted and decided to write that.

I'm wanting to implode or explode... 

There's something there.. thoughts/emotions that are nebulous and ethereal for me at the moment.

I want to cry and scream and yell and whine and complain about it all but what will that do. Do I need a release? I think I do... Hopefully the dry spell (MJ) will end today and help to realign..

I don't like this bit... I don't like having my internal having to be dictated by that.

low

 My emotional energy is gone or depleted at this moment.

I'm tired and a bit agitated, I'm guessing my back scenario  is the cause.

I want to breakdown at the moment, my body wants to quit.. mentally.

I feel the melancholy knocking on the door.

 

But also a bit of wanting to go back to obliviousness.. 

 Maybe just sleep then..

with out net

 I feel depressed this morning. My lower back hurts which is different from usual.

Tired... Anxious...take a breath. Needing to process. What's making me react this way.

anxiety

 That's what it is.... I have something I think can help them and become a bit obsessive in said desire.

back redux

 So sitting, sun is setting and it warms my face. And has I fumble with this keyboard and hit the wrong area..

I do feel weird... Grumpy?? Off.. but what..

The job isn't it.. I'm guessing my back.. 

So that what this was about...

All exercise is on hold till Dr visit.. which I don't want to do.. but oh well.. I think the opioids are fucking my mellow.

As I sense the fud...  I feel sad?? Tired.. discomboobulated.. this phone is shit.. it's the size dif.. my fingers are discovering.. Nexus was wider.

Hungry.. not hungry.. guilty?? Why?? Not going to wreck my health for a job.

I can't talk to my kids.. I don't have that skill.. i can't bullshit about things when I know things are no bueno.. I want to fix.. and I can't and they need to initiate..

I think we are here

Hello darkness

really

 Just for the riot.

It really has become a Pandora's box.. I'm thinking of everything at the moment I see how things connect I see the actual correlation.

Trying to read Conquest of Bread. Brain keeps losing focus.. so many things flooding. Probably not bueno.. but enjoying the hell out of it.

Still skeptical and happy..

Oh and to the 21 yr olds, learning all this makes me to want to show off also.

interconnected awareness

 I'm not sure if these two words connected as such exists..

Quick Google search and it doesn't appear, but there may be a phase that exists.

For me interconnected awareness is the insight that I have in a given topic. That said I can begin to see an interconnected relationship, "awareness", with a specific subject or topic. I can piece historical, current events, history, culture, science, etc. The greatest thing about this is how I just continue to train me n this aspect by my continuing pursuit of knowledge and skills building.

Education of the mind being paramount, coupled with exercise of the body, and being cognizant of my emotional state and bringing myself to focus on the here and now. I can only do what I am capable of and what's in my control.

There is no race, it's a journey. We are the only ones who can affect change with ourselves. There is no one else. Baby steps. Walking and stretching... Both body and mind.

Take a quick personal assessment.

Write down the first question that comes to mind.

Now ask yourself  why does this question matter to you.

Now ask yourself this. Have you ever felt that something special was to happen or could happen if only you were in the right place at the right time, yet feel anxious about it as if maybe you should do something to make it happen?

Has anxiety prevented you from doing things, talking to people, family, behaved on a job, see someone you'd rather avoid?

Now take a deep breath. Hold it to a count of six and slowly release to a count of twelve.

How do you feel, write down as many feelings needed to express. Be as descriptive as possible.

Do you feel or have you felt that your education was lacking or wondered what's the point of this?

Now to be upfront some of these questions are loaded or created to illicit a specific response.

So for the next three questions...

You write what your goals are...

opioids

 So after the back ER thing, flexoril and Norco prescriptions.

I like the temporary pain relief, but hate that passing out feeling.

Even sitting my back is going numb. Also I feel.. weird in the head.. not the lately happy.. very meh.. but not miserable meh... This is zombie not feeling meh.. the meh that you feel like a fog of miasma is floating in your head like soupy jello

the most emotional philosophical talk with my father

 I'm crying so much right now. I have had one of the most adult philosophical conversations with my father ever. On my birthday... I won't remember this.

That's a joke, because the chemical rush to the brain that this has triggered is so being remembered.

I'm just beginning... I'm crying because I'm happy..  I'm crying at the pain experienced... I'm crying for the hope I have... I'm crying because I feel joy... I'm crying because I have an amazing adventure before me and I am actually equipped (skill wise) to do what I want and I feel like I can do this. I am aware I am in a unique once in a lifetime situation. I am giddy as a school girl.

I'm also painfully aware of my back as well...

This has me concerned, but mindful of the moment. What is in my power. Tortoise / Hate.. what a strange trip is has been and I want to be ready for the rest.. remember be like water flow with the go and be healthy in all three aspects. Baby steps..

This was a call I think I've been waiting for since before time... Soooo fucking happy...

That rewarding feeling... Now feed me Seymour..

Stressing a bit about calls with kids tomorrow.. be calm.. mindful..

Hieronymus Bosch Butt Music

For some reason there are certain melancholy type songs, there's a sorrowfulness to them that I cannot escape. I'm on the ship with Odysseus and I hear the sirens.





There's a my mind cannot process that word.. there is a word of gladful happy sorrowfulness.. it's almost like the blanket of depression aka the chain of depression. I'm so scattered brained at the moment.. I have another post going on at the same time. Mindfulness.. moment.. here today.. balance.. I'm there... but here as well.. Again I tear up at the thought of "have I really found it?"... have I found that peace and contentment that I have been looking for. Through the absurdity of it all.. science has saved me. Educating myself on reality, history and the world around me. It has opened a Pandora's box of insatiable curiosity about the world around me... I love being alive for the first time I can think of in I don't know how long...



SKEPTICAL HAPPINESS!!

mental garbage

 So.. dumb brain thought.. dumping here..

I know... That all the crazy thoughts to an extent weren't crazy after all.  The real bizarre ones yes those.. but the feeling like something was off but not able to put your finger on it.. which doesn't make sense.. and isn't really verifiable.. I get that..

It's probably another human trait thing.. behavior.

 

How do I not lose this feeling of awareness, awakening, revelation, happiness, contentment. 

 

This is where I wonder how much knowledge is tied to experience?

 

 

Peter griffin

 I've come to find out that I laugh like Peter griffin and it amuses me more so I do it more and laugh..

and the detour begins..

 Back finally said f u

This really hurts.. nerve pinching pain throbbing.. ooh booty

School is not there for you to think

focus

 So waiting on plasma.. cash gig

Very out of sorts today. Yesterday I think I caught the downward crash of the happiness as of late.. however I've manage to keep it under control. This is the part that I tell myself not to bullshit myself.  I guess that is the trade off??? The anxiety of being on guard to not bs oneself.

 This is where I need to organize... My thoughts..

 

I have to do that.. I think there are many other posts spouting the same sentiment.

I am sinking

Listening to old 80's post mope Cure.. brain teaser that one.

It's a gorgeous Summer day... Life is good..

So I trick myself.. like everybody else..

I crouch in fear and wait..

Remember... Anything at all..

Sooo good.. I'm so fucking happy to be able to enjoy things again.. that's why I'm crying..

Plus this is some good weed.

Hotbox Wedding Cake

spilled water

So..I'm happy sad.. sad happy... I'm either coming down from a chem imbalance or second guessing my emotional states origins.. all of the above??

News example

Mental notes

tonight

I had shitty food and shitty alcohol all in the same

smooth lobed

So aggravating...

I mean I get it it... But the comedy is almost too much.

None of the devices rolled out have been tested, so it's hit n miss.. three phones not working.

thank you logic...

Seriously, developing a logical mind is the greatest thing I have done...

It helps to avoid bullshit.. and boring conversations.

Logical fallacies are the bane of human existence.

the news

So.. as a rule of thumb, I generally only read AP & Reuters as the main news sources.. A little foreign news here and there with an occasional YT leftist commentary along the line.

I generally just skim the headlines vary rarely do I delve into any story.. and it just dawned on me. I'm already up to speed on those countries mentioned.. sure a few gaps, but enough to gauge the situation properly.

Hmmm... Sorry but this is a huge ego boost.. aka confidence boost for me. True I'm not intimately versed on them and that varies by subject. However I am making attempts to remain humble and yet...

So this is something new...

I want to ignore the personal gratification but embrace the moment. That the personal unrealistic expectations need to be set to the way side. The moment gives me a mental boost, true there is ego involved, but also a shared, balanced skeptical perspective that seems to be more blissful than anything I have experienced.  Included the self deluded Christian ones... Oh boy.. so many.

This one is grounded in reality... I feel I have a grasp.. though that's a poor analogy.. Lao Tsu..

There's some Taoism in there.. the philosophy aspect..

It's not epiphany... It's clarity.

This is the bliss I am talking about.

Searching so long... I see a road that wasn't there before..

I have great taste in music...

This is one of the things I like best about myself.

I say that as one with a very broad and broadening taste in music.

I get the generational music tastes... And some are really good..  but I barely made the eara just for me.

p53

A gene that controls the mechanism to initiate DNA to self destruct... Apoptosis is the named process.

Little by little.. so I claim complete idiocy.. I gather bits and tid bits here and there of knowledge...  The gathering keeps me going...  For me I have a joy in my life once again... I thought I'd lost it all.. what a road..

Skeptically Happy.

And like that..

I've reasoned myself against the death penalty.

AP story byline flashed on the Boston Marathon bomber and the court overturning his sentence.

It's really frustratingly interesting how the reasoned can see the underlying factors and that's all it takes.

A straight forward reexamination of oneself. Now.. now... I know better that to get a head of myself and "rest my hat" here. For now this is where I'm at, untill I hear a more convincing argument.

Which is how you hold opinions.

There's a biological component or more tied into all of this as well.

The point being... You are more than the sum of your parts. You are what effort you put into. It's a journey.... Detach from the collective hive mentality, develop your individual sense of self. Use your talents for the collective good.

The greatest thing Christianity taught me...

Was how to teach my self out and see that there is a so much more in this world once I learned how to apply logic and reason properly within my life to filter out most of the noise and bullshit.

Reevaluating my education and challenging myself on foundational beliefs, truth should withstand scrutiny.

And the foundational one of them all, willing to change my mind based on new information. Breaking out of the shell, freeing oneself, of a miserable existence of normalcy and self denial. Keeping an open mind is the most fundamental key to all this, but don't confuse a mind that is incapable of filtering ideas with it. Logic and reason, deciphering logical fallacies that you come across in daily conversation. These are the blatant ones... Train.. train.. train.. education of the mind.

Vacation music

So I'm listening to HW3 - Not Everybody Likes Us.

He's singing about emotional situations and is rather obvious, and lamenting the outlaw country western music culture genre as being a pariah of sorts.

I agree to an extent.. I love this music.. granted some of its a bit.. not a 100% in line with my views.. but ces't le vie

Not everything you like will agree with you 100%.. aka Morrissey.. Smiths yes.. solo.. not so much.

I cringe on songs with god/spiritual references... Looking at you Reggae.

Edit - never explained Vacation Music.. hehehe

Bubblegum music, top 40, usually songs singing about selfish superficial bullshit. Those songs that do make it, in the top 40 are capitalized on and render useless.

I'm talking about songs that may have a specific meaning but have been dilluted for mass consption. Beatles.. John Lennon.. popular music..

But to each their own... It speaks nothing to me about my life...

Junior high.. Jayson McConnell's house... Hang the DJ is stuck in my head.. I wonder what was it.. the fucked up shit we did.. drinking.. computer games.. fort overlooking Lake Forest Dr. Sneaky teen shit..

Mere is tied to him... Threads.. I like to look at the threads..

Last time I saw him was that day he showed up drunk as a skunk at lunch at school.. a few contact attempts.. but the rehab he went to.. yikes..

Finally tracked him down via his sister, he apparently shuns former friends.. sister said he wasn't interested. Mere told me the same thing.

Hmmm...I m not under any pressure.. or at least there's things that I would perceive as pressure just not bugging.

Fucking Michael... Life is good. Just don't tell me your life story. Lol