The trickiest trickster of all

I hurt myself today... to see if I still bleed...


The biggest issue that i find myself at is this roller coaster of uncertainty that drives my decisions or emotions. My thoughts... my thoughts that become whores to drunken sailors in any port or in this case, the whims of how I feel when i close my eyes vs the morning.

They range from sensual memorable moments to violent memorable moments. The trickster plays the part of is that really so.... Doubt. This is how cults get started... you have to trust something besides yourself... you will fuck yourself every time trying to "align" things. You are most especially fucked if you are not exposed to different cultures. You don't have anything to compare it to or to even get a historical reference to different peoples or places. Exposure can vary but it must be constant throughout ones life. Exposure must be fair, too much of one or the other distorts the true picture.

Avoid falling into the trap of groups.

I think this was one if not the biggest thing that impacts us all on this desire to belong. The sociology experiments on this are amazing, and it ranges across different species not just humans.

We like to be in groups... for example. The first group you are a part of is family. This is an immediate group so to speak, your tribe.

Next you may have some extended family (aunts/uncles/cousins/friends/etc) that are a part of this immediate group, grandparents especially. You are constantly reinforced with what is "common sense" from these main influences. These are cultural customs, norms, accepted and not accepted behaviors.

- How marriages are viewed
- Sibling relationships
- Religion or lack of (customs will vary by religion as well, can be differing regional customs in same religion as well)
- Interpersonal relationship dynamics
- I'm sure there are more but this is just a few... suggest you research customs. Start with your own, country, then ethnicity, then see what the differences are with other peoples.

But the mind... the mind wants you to doubt.. constantly.. I want to fight it.. I want to fight it... I need to fight it...

I get a slight ego boost from thinking fanciful thoughts... and immediately the doubt smacks it down.

I can't sit still... I can't hold back any more... I've had enough... I scoff at myself.. I get the impression I've said these words before... I'm inclined to believe.


Doubt... what makes this time different?

I don't know... I think I'm ready.. somehow I think I'm ready...but barely. I think I need to exercise more.. this brain.. these skills..

Writing... is this it.. is this what I have wandered on to? After years of looking.. looking for I didn't know what. I had tried so many things... so many curiosities to explore.. questions to answer... tastes to discover... thought to entertain... and entertainment to fancy... all I know is I've gone down a unique path.. just like everyone else... so how is this not a simulation?

I know that my experience is the same as anyone else's....

All the world's a stage...

This is the testing parameters...  timeline/timeframe...

Each cycle/phase has a certain amount of expected test scenarios...  these have a transition set between the next cycle/phase as well...

The software is calibrating after birth... you kick of a bunch of essential systems to start building a database.... these systems are essentially the ones you've more or less been taught about. Those that are voluntary and those that are involuntary. Your senses being the bulk of your proprietary OS.

You can look at the expected growth cycles/patterns for humans and all the various things we all go through at various ages/stages of our lives.

We all have a basic set of parameters, but all go through an infinitesimal variation change to the grand scheme of things.

Evolution is a self replicating virus... That is able to think about itself... what the fuck is consciousness?