Attempt #?

So had a couple of weak ass attempts this week... ending ones life should be easier.

I'm still not in a good place.. (mentally that is).


I'm conflicted on a number of things...

working.. being the first. I was about to write how I need a job and while technically there may be some truth to this.. I honestly don't want to go back to that lifestyle. I actually hate working in that industry.. I hate having to deal with a job that doesn't utilize my full spectrum of skills. I need to find something else... I'm not sure if being unemployed at the moment is a step (push) towards something new.

This depression and whatever else I may or maynot have really is doing a number on me.

If it's normal to not feel normal... (again whatever "normal" is) is beyond what I can bear. The constant sisyphus like experience of seeming to come to grips with something only to have a situation demolish it all. Whether it's my own actions or an event beyond my control or some combination of things.

[Hōjicha - should be more readily available in the States. Cold tea is my go to at the moment.]

My anxiety, that seems to be my Godzilla I have to deal with at the moment.

I'm constantly on the verge of tears or a breakdown or something.

I don't know what to do....

I just know I'm writing this today.