Dark Thoughts

So from time to time I'll read a "slice of life" post on Reddit.

- In a bad relationship
- Home life is abusive
- Etc...

The latest one is where a woman is in an abusive marriage with a cop, they have 2 young children.

My first thought is kill the motherfucker. Seriously.. even thinking that I'd PM the individual and offer to kill him for her.

Yeah.. so not fit for public service. In reading some of the responses, i just want to sigh and go.. nope you need to kill this fucker.

Restraining orders against cops rarely do shit... other cops cover for the corrupt motherfucker. UGH.. so dysfunctional is our system to help those in these situations.

This pervasive veneer of bullshit that society paints over everything.

Film continuity....

Watching the latest Tarantino flick... there a scene where they drive past a purple and orange building called Pandora's Box. Though in the film they say it's 1969... however the building was torn down in 1967.


Weird shit like that... I saw the building in a movie.. it piqued my interest as I'm vaguely familiar with the area... so I google it and find out it shouldn't be in the movie...

Attempt #?

So had a couple of weak ass attempts this week... ending ones life should be easier.

I'm still not in a good place.. (mentally that is).


I'm conflicted on a number of things...

working.. being the first. I was about to write how I need a job and while technically there may be some truth to this.. I honestly don't want to go back to that lifestyle. I actually hate working in that industry.. I hate having to deal with a job that doesn't utilize my full spectrum of skills. I need to find something else... I'm not sure if being unemployed at the moment is a step (push) towards something new.

This depression and whatever else I may or maynot have really is doing a number on me.

If it's normal to not feel normal... (again whatever "normal" is) is beyond what I can bear. The constant sisyphus like experience of seeming to come to grips with something only to have a situation demolish it all. Whether it's my own actions or an event beyond my control or some combination of things.

[Hōjicha - should be more readily available in the States. Cold tea is my go to at the moment.]

My anxiety, that seems to be my Godzilla I have to deal with at the moment.

I'm constantly on the verge of tears or a breakdown or something.

I don't know what to do....

I just know I'm writing this today.

week 2?

So here we are.. week 2...

I have not motivation to do shit.. let alone look for work... I do.. somewhat.. just not on the rabid approach that I do all the other times.. I prolonging things.. to what end I don't know..

I know if I wanted to end things they would have ended already... but I really don't see a way out.

in ability to communicate

Ok another one for MJ...

So was talking about cigarette coupons or the lack of on the backs of cigarette packs... P was complaining about wanting a coupon on the back of the pack vs the damn downloaded app.. that was a discussion on marketing in a capitalist world and how apps only track and collect meta data to be sold off or pieced together from other companies to then sell to other companies.. apps are of the devil. The internet is nothing but one big tracking machine and people are fairly dumb about to what extent this goes despite years of the government abuses and news reports about such. The evidence is there in plain site.. Patriot Act.. being one beacon of how the fuck did you think they were going to start this.. and and... there is no current legislation in place that forces a company or corporation to explain itself as long as it can HIDE behind "prudent legal measures". Seriously people need to get a fucking education. We are the dumbest motherfuckers around... You have those who are generally in power.. evil controlling mother fuckers... the ones who do run it all from banks and corporations... their puppets in their pocket writing the laws to make them richer.

Only to have a very small percentage realize that we have to play a long game.. otherwise if we don't..

Sisyphus.. all of a sudden I'm reminded of Sisyphus... perpetual work with never an accomplishment. His only break in being to go back to push it up the hill again. However I give you this.. the rock never goes back down.. he always sees the top of the hill, but it's never in reach.

So thin in turn went growing up around smokers and how it used to be readily available. Oh and me tying to educate P that she is no longer the target demographic and/or they went with a different marketing strategy and/or marketing budget cuts... all of which could be a result in the waning popularity of smoking over all. Anywho.. so smoking was popular and they once were a huge part of American culture with the 70's/80's being a death knell for it.

Then the demise of marketing for smoking in the 90's(? Joe Camel).

They had less money, need to keep targeting their supporters.

So any any who..

Made a comment about how I quit, one of the reasons was the flavor of cigarettes had changed over the years... I was recalling the Mad Men show and one of the characteristics made mention about Lucky Strike was that it was toasted... and it got me to think that yeah that was a flavor that seemed to be missing after all these years... I quit before moving out to NC.. had a few hits , attempts at a cigarette here and there, aside from the 4 pack stint while jobless in NC. That's been it.. nothing since.

I was wondering if tobacco companies flavor has changed over the years...

all of this got me to something that I forgot what the actual catalyst was for writing all of this.. damn food timer! and MJ..

Maybe it had something to do with how I read the situation again.. all this information collected over the years... and how it boils down... how I connect everything together..

oh.. this is what it was...

So smoking is a typical fuck you to parents and authorities... because you tell me why I can't do it...  and why you do it..

the in ability for a parent to adequately express to their child what the decisions are that go into this whole process.. the child rebels because he see a hypocrisy being put forth.. with no adequate explanation as from what usually is "because I said so"...  this is the worst answer ever.

It basically says to the child don't question me on this, despite the saying I'm sure quite a few parents give. You can come to me about ANYTHING, once we put a limit on this we start telling the children that they can't come to you about anything and they become selective about what they say to you.

Now I wonder why that is... how does the brain get to the end of that process... when it decides if something is selective (a secretive thought?)  or isn't.  Fight or flight! Friend or foe! Good outcome or Bad outcome! We tend to share things worth being shared and not others... why is that? What are the parameters around this? Is this part of a larger system of interconnected attributes?


Now I'm beginning to see what "forms" could possibly be about.. maybe possibly.. need to compare notes.


So yeah.. the inability to communicate through tobacco and how it affects our children.

This also gives us an inclination about why we prefer binary questions... boy/girl... black/white... yes/no... up/down... and so on.

The brain hates to compute things... laziness is inherent in us... look at animals.. they only do what they have to to survive... we're the only fucks mucking it up.

The trickiest trickster of all

I hurt myself today... to see if I still bleed...


The biggest issue that i find myself at is this roller coaster of uncertainty that drives my decisions or emotions. My thoughts... my thoughts that become whores to drunken sailors in any port or in this case, the whims of how I feel when i close my eyes vs the morning.

They range from sensual memorable moments to violent memorable moments. The trickster plays the part of is that really so.... Doubt. This is how cults get started... you have to trust something besides yourself... you will fuck yourself every time trying to "align" things. You are most especially fucked if you are not exposed to different cultures. You don't have anything to compare it to or to even get a historical reference to different peoples or places. Exposure can vary but it must be constant throughout ones life. Exposure must be fair, too much of one or the other distorts the true picture.

Avoid falling into the trap of groups.

I think this was one if not the biggest thing that impacts us all on this desire to belong. The sociology experiments on this are amazing, and it ranges across different species not just humans.

We like to be in groups... for example. The first group you are a part of is family. This is an immediate group so to speak, your tribe.

Next you may have some extended family (aunts/uncles/cousins/friends/etc) that are a part of this immediate group, grandparents especially. You are constantly reinforced with what is "common sense" from these main influences. These are cultural customs, norms, accepted and not accepted behaviors.

- How marriages are viewed
- Sibling relationships
- Religion or lack of (customs will vary by religion as well, can be differing regional customs in same religion as well)
- Interpersonal relationship dynamics
- I'm sure there are more but this is just a few... suggest you research customs. Start with your own, country, then ethnicity, then see what the differences are with other peoples.

But the mind... the mind wants you to doubt.. constantly.. I want to fight it.. I want to fight it... I need to fight it...

I get a slight ego boost from thinking fanciful thoughts... and immediately the doubt smacks it down.

I can't sit still... I can't hold back any more... I've had enough... I scoff at myself.. I get the impression I've said these words before... I'm inclined to believe.


Doubt... what makes this time different?

I don't know... I think I'm ready.. somehow I think I'm ready...but barely. I think I need to exercise more.. this brain.. these skills..

Writing... is this it.. is this what I have wandered on to? After years of looking.. looking for I didn't know what. I had tried so many things... so many curiosities to explore.. questions to answer... tastes to discover... thought to entertain... and entertainment to fancy... all I know is I've gone down a unique path.. just like everyone else... so how is this not a simulation?

I know that my experience is the same as anyone else's....

All the world's a stage...

This is the testing parameters...  timeline/timeframe...

Each cycle/phase has a certain amount of expected test scenarios...  these have a transition set between the next cycle/phase as well...

The software is calibrating after birth... you kick of a bunch of essential systems to start building a database.... these systems are essentially the ones you've more or less been taught about. Those that are voluntary and those that are involuntary. Your senses being the bulk of your proprietary OS.

You can look at the expected growth cycles/patterns for humans and all the various things we all go through at various ages/stages of our lives.

We all have a basic set of parameters, but all go through an infinitesimal variation change to the grand scheme of things.

Evolution is a self replicating virus... That is able to think about itself... what the fuck is consciousness?

Young vs old

So there comes a point in time when the youth try to establish an identity and the old push back against it. with the back in my day schtick and that not how we did it and ad nauseam..

The old are set in their ways not budging to change or feel threatened by this new thing that is counter to some ideology. The youth are asking why it's wrong and the old have no answer.. and rebel against the established norms. Each generation goes through it... each generation clings to the remnants of something old with integrating something new.


Religion must go... followed in hand with corruption. Only then can we see... maybe... see our way into a future that does away with ignorant thought and actions. That takes a real stance for life and not some grotesque bastardized pseudo excuse of one. Looking at pro lifer's on this...

President's Council on Future Initiatives

A publicly elected position in each state that corresponds to the national election. Each state representative, works with publicly generated ideas on how to improve things in the country. These ideas are generated by the public and voted on by the public, it is the responsibility of the public to provide them. These ideas must correspond in the following way:


- All ideas must be evidenced based, can clearly be tested, and demonstrated.
- Ideas can range from short term to long term objectives.
- Ideas must clearly show that they benefit the greater good, survival, and/or benevolence towards the general public.


Ideas generated in the state are voted on yearly, (June) and national voting occurs in Dec. That is all ideas voted up by the state goes to a national vote by the representatives. This is weighted voting (1/2/3), top 3 ideas go before the President for him to pick one by Jan the following year. He randomly picks one.

Realized I hadn't finished this thought... distracted by classical music video..

The purpose of this, is to have ideas put forth by the people, to be allowed to be acted out on a small scale to provide further evidence of which direction the country should go. The people were a part of it and it went through the "proper" means.

looking in the mirror

Researching self reflection and why some people avoid the whole thing.

And realizing that I' feel like i'm on a time schedule that I can't fix correct and the train is roaring down the tracks going faster and faster... getting closer to a final destination.

It's a bit unnerving.

Here I am wanting to expand on my knowledge and learn more about myself and everything around me... only to be troubled with notions of having to do other things outside of this.

Lack of motivation on other things and distractions constantly at my finger tips.

The journey of life...  it's a perilous adventure and not for the faint of heart.

So many aspects about life that I need to learn...

rinse...repeat...

The cycle seems to be at an interesting point... or has it been so long that I've forgotten this place.

Wanting to bring some order to the chaos... some structure... and I know inside I'm freaking out.

About it all...

what to read
to study
to discipline myself towards..


but the brain never stops.. always looking for something new.. another shiny object.

I want to learn.. I want to study.. but here I'm writing this.



I'm curious as the to the notion why we lie to children... and found some interesting tidbits.

Found that it's not a new concept... surprise.

but it's just another piece added to the pile... this jumbled up pile of half facts and partial information. This trash can of knowledge so to speak.. all the freshest junk on top... who knows what's festering beneath it.

it has to do with how the brain processes information... and at what age.

Apparently if we don't train things properly it's a bit of work to get them into something manageable.

Concentration.. thinking...

to push out the garbage... the things that don't matter... but at what expense... do I lose a part of myself? is it inevitable? Growth means more than just a transition of mass... there are things that can and will change... should you be adventurous enough.

Growth mentally... and all the trials and tribulations that it will incur.