if anything..

I have to continue to blog...

so.. yeah.. on my brain.. and I know I'm done. With marriage.... I'm bored with it. Bored with family... and I know that probably sounds reaaaaaaal shitty. but go fuck yourself and your forced upon cultural conformities.

Serious. Again.. It's a spectrum.

You know damn well what a trainwreck I was before you got into it... I was no surprise.. I'm a result of kids raising kids, and the band plays on... ball of confusion..

It's not confusing though, once you can piece how you fit into the world.. and the world fits into you.

It's a never ending journey.... I'm not pleading innocence here, I'm pleading not guilty by total and complete ignorance.

Have you not met my family?

Hell.. I recognize my complete and utter failure as a parent. I had NO FUCKING BUSINESS deluding myself that I would be a better parent.. I had no fucking clue.

Now while I am responsible for my actions, there are a number of mitigating circumstances. And if you are not familiar I'd say 2 semesters worth of the subject, go then... away.. just shooo away.

If you're not going to be objective, then you have sold yourself short of any possible way to get an answer. You will have plenty of evidence, which you'll have to follow up on.

Facts about my parents...

Both came from broken homes...
My mother's history.. summarized best as what I know.

- The black sheep of the family, I'm guessing. Not sure what the specifics were, but highly suspect abuse of MULTI types occurred with her, non the least sexual. Ranway around 15/16.... Fuzzy about what happened after that and my parents getting married. Rumors are she was involved in Black American culture, jazz music was popular with her (Manhattan Transfer, 70's, David Sanborn, etc.. George Benson. These are some examples.). The James Brown groupie rumor.

I do have a half brother name Michael Fitzsimmons.. I think. I actually have all that info here somewhere in a photo album. Pictures, a business card with info on it about him.

She was married... something about having to go to South America to get an abortion. Not sure about the timing on this.. before her first marriage or during?

Who knows... 

(Note - I'm actually having a bit of an emotional reaction to this..  knowing full well what I have gone through. My childhood (not saying apples to apples) had it's own story. Knowing the science about things that I do now (very poco) and how this ties into the brain (but do I know of any information that may in fact contradict this information... aka ignorance).


I do know, that's more than what I know about my pops.

I know where they were both born, I know what year, month, and day... mostly. 29th... I think.

(gee isn't self reflection fun)

I know I was told that I was the miracle baby, due to the abortion making her supposedly sterile.

My parents met in Key West.... knowing what I know... they partied and fucked.


I believe she thought she would be able to do whatever forever... the self discipline that was a part of my Father could nowhere near compete with the mental illness my Mother had suppressed for so long. That is up until I came along.

I wonder if postpartum had a role in it? A catalyst, to the soul crushing inability to function.

Great I have my Father's logic and my Mother's mental issues.


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This is where I take pause to reflect on my emotions... I loath them.. because I have to rely on them in some fashion to exist. They drive me in all directions...  because there is not just one path.

Apparently there are absolutes..or not.. or is..  No square circles and that sorta thing...