The history is written by the conquerors.

So this popped up on my FB feed.





I wonder if that's what Britain thought about the colonies?

I'm not putting them on equal footing, if anything it's complete horse shit on the militia's end. I do feel that we are on a precipice with the country, it's so fucking obvious. Reality is crashing on conservative traditions on all fronts aka fundamental religious extremists that have been fed a continuous line of paranoid delusional propaganda racist fox news. I really do believe there could be a nice critique of numerous length about the parasitical cancer that pretends to be "informative news" that is anything but.

This plague upon humanity is the paramount tool of the disinformation to the ignorant masses of the right and those who support it and it's institutions. The only one that supplants this would be any religious texts that paints an alternate reality.

Life, Liberty, & death to Democracy

Democracy is nothing new, the greek were practicing way before a little podunk part of North America got this idea about self governance. 200 plus years later, we seem to have painted ourselves into a corner, at least from what I can see.

Democracy seems to be the rallying cry for all things liberty and or freedom. Well at least here in the West.

I may be able to relate to Socrates (I think it was him), who also shared misgivings about the practice.

While people should be able to do what they want to do, there is one thing that sets us above the rest of life here on this planet. That is the ability to reason, but due to the HUGE levels of ignorance that exists here I don't see how it benefits society. It seems to be used like any other invention of man primarily for evil. Evil in the sense of the priority of the individual versus the group.

People should have rights, but they end when it impacts society as a whole. This goes down the line of almost all of society and what it touches.

Religion while not being banned needs to be put in its place.

Sensible gun control

Extending schooling to all and in all forms, from an evidenced based curriculum.

Civil service and/or Military service, the military is there to protect the US. We need to cut back our world policing. Wars are a last resort.

We are the species on the planet that effects it the most, we need to stop being so destructive to it and ourselves. This means giving up presupposed ideas about what liberty and freedom mean. It needs to be brought into modern thought and what we've learned since 1776.

conflicting ideals

I hate people... I'm stuck on an island with 7 billion of them so i have to make the most.

I know that it's in my best interest to be ... not hospitable.. not compliant.. not agreeable.. I can't think of the word.. cooperative?

At times I like some people... but overall not a whole lot. I know that I benefit with sharing knowledge and skills and etc... what etc is I can't think of at the moment. I hate depression... I hate this bottomless hole of emotional despair... not being able to enjoy things.

I know.. that I know nothing. And that really doesn't help...

I hate that my emotions get in the way of my thoughts... as they prevent me from acting in a more beneficial manner. Not just for myself.. but others.

Fuck depression

Its not something i want... Its not a trivial opponent..

Getting older sucks, getting more emotional.. over nothing... So tired of it.

Tired of the way things are and feeling powerless to do a thing about it. It the things beyond my control... The need to have done everything before only to be at a spot of recognizing it.

My head hurts, my mind is numb...

To find tranquility and stability in my being is no easy task.

if anything..

I have to continue to blog...

so.. yeah.. on my brain.. and I know I'm done. With marriage.... I'm bored with it. Bored with family... and I know that probably sounds reaaaaaaal shitty. but go fuck yourself and your forced upon cultural conformities.

Serious. Again.. It's a spectrum.

You know damn well what a trainwreck I was before you got into it... I was no surprise.. I'm a result of kids raising kids, and the band plays on... ball of confusion..

It's not confusing though, once you can piece how you fit into the world.. and the world fits into you.

It's a never ending journey.... I'm not pleading innocence here, I'm pleading not guilty by total and complete ignorance.

Have you not met my family?

Hell.. I recognize my complete and utter failure as a parent. I had NO FUCKING BUSINESS deluding myself that I would be a better parent.. I had no fucking clue.

Now while I am responsible for my actions, there are a number of mitigating circumstances. And if you are not familiar I'd say 2 semesters worth of the subject, go then... away.. just shooo away.

If you're not going to be objective, then you have sold yourself short of any possible way to get an answer. You will have plenty of evidence, which you'll have to follow up on.

Facts about my parents...

Both came from broken homes...
My mother's history.. summarized best as what I know.

- The black sheep of the family, I'm guessing. Not sure what the specifics were, but highly suspect abuse of MULTI types occurred with her, non the least sexual. Ranway around 15/16.... Fuzzy about what happened after that and my parents getting married. Rumors are she was involved in Black American culture, jazz music was popular with her (Manhattan Transfer, 70's, David Sanborn, etc.. George Benson. These are some examples.). The James Brown groupie rumor.

I do have a half brother name Michael Fitzsimmons.. I think. I actually have all that info here somewhere in a photo album. Pictures, a business card with info on it about him.

She was married... something about having to go to South America to get an abortion. Not sure about the timing on this.. before her first marriage or during?

Who knows... 

(Note - I'm actually having a bit of an emotional reaction to this..  knowing full well what I have gone through. My childhood (not saying apples to apples) had it's own story. Knowing the science about things that I do now (very poco) and how this ties into the brain (but do I know of any information that may in fact contradict this information... aka ignorance).


I do know, that's more than what I know about my pops.

I know where they were both born, I know what year, month, and day... mostly. 29th... I think.

(gee isn't self reflection fun)

I know I was told that I was the miracle baby, due to the abortion making her supposedly sterile.

My parents met in Key West.... knowing what I know... they partied and fucked.


I believe she thought she would be able to do whatever forever... the self discipline that was a part of my Father could nowhere near compete with the mental illness my Mother had suppressed for so long. That is up until I came along.

I wonder if postpartum had a role in it? A catalyst, to the soul crushing inability to function.

Great I have my Father's logic and my Mother's mental issues.


-----



This is where I take pause to reflect on my emotions... I loath them.. because I have to rely on them in some fashion to exist. They drive me in all directions...  because there is not just one path.

Apparently there are absolutes..or not.. or is..  No square circles and that sorta thing...

The poison of failure

I know im prone to mistakes just like anyone, but a why are they so impacting on my emotional and mental state?

Why do I go to extremes. Why is it so "black and white" for me?

Im at a conundrum... Fud... Its always fud.

I hate not knowing.

I feel like my expectations... (Something to look into) are fairly low in regards to everything and everyone. Are they still to high?

Pets and kids

I think I've come to the notion, that kids & pets are similar. Neither of them are deserved, and most people, read majority, of people shouldn't  have them either.

Animals are mostly neglected, and children aren't fared much better.

Here again?

Day 4? Of no meds..

Not sure where I'm at at the moment... Dull headache.. and a general unwell feeling. A bit disconcerted multiple low grade feelings about.. life, family, people, and situations of dealing with uninformed or unaware people.

Maybe a sense of overwhelming... For what though not sure..

Is my depression genetics or just a uninformed mind.. I know I'll continue to wrestle with this.. not having to be dependent on medication would be awesome.

Today feels like a grey day. My brain is a bit cranky at the moment... Fuzzy and unsure.

Routine

Routine.... the day in day out of repeating the same thing you did the day before.... just slightly different.

I've been continuing in my exploration of philosophy.... getting a little more hear and there... Recently watched a video on the History of western Philosophy and have expanded my interests in to Camus now. The absurdity of it.

So now... I've noticed something else.. this drive towards a self assessment.. and I think I've come to an untraveled road... untraveled in the sense that only individuals can make their own road?

I'm feeling anxious again.. like usual.. feeling depressed again.. in spite of feeling like on top of the world the other day.

Is this normal? Is it a constant war of emotions. The feelings of doubt being crippling at times and more often than not preventing progress in most avenues.

I have an idea... an idea on what I'd like to do.. the only issue I have is knowing... and I know that there is no black/white answer and that also frustrates me.

Confused

Right now emotions are in a state of confusion... And apparently rule number one is to no rely on emotions when being emotional.


I need to do that self assessment I keep talking about. I think there is something missing....

Examine even the things you agree to or with and things you think are settled.

That's what I get

So had a phrase slip by yet again...

What will protect me if the whole world is a gun.


I think that's it.

If you want to expand your knowledge and experience never thought of frontiers.

Reading is one of the better choices.

How the pendulum swings...

So just like that the anxiety kicks in.. all due to work.

Here's the approved marketing art and design. We don't have a real marketing dept so you'll have to do. Finished product is not what we wanted, what the hell?

Did you think it was going to look different from what was approved?

Ugh... this is the part where I just want to crawl into a hole away from everyone.. Went from a few awesome days to now this..

Don't think like that.. just meditate.. get it out of mind.. try this.. try that..

Again what do I know...

New direction

So the ocean of life has been a terrible teacher, and I say damn you adversity for painting a new set of directions.

Naught Socrates was a fleeting moment of an attempt at being clever. I make attempts quite frequently, but this was to be, the my view of philosophy as I learned it. Though I think the format shall be focused on the human experience and what if any does.... philosophy..

And here we have the wheels spinning in yet another new direction. Needing to define objectives... Ok.. structure is good. How we know what we know. What is the scope of the project? How many phases? Money revenue.

Make it a documentary about reality today here and now. What does science say about the human condition?

Tbd....